petit garcon

2007-11-17T09:06:00.001+07:00

the title is un homme et une femme, will be published by Gramedia Pustaka Utama, hitting the book stores - Gramedia this early december, which is a great month, and a nice Christmas present for me this year, considering that last two Christmas was completely dull and boring...hahaha.

the story?
two sided love journey of men with their own tangled plot and surprises...premise? check it out yer self...hahaha...

2007-11-14T19:11:00.000+07:00

hey lads,
been ages since my last post...hahaha.
when internet connection was just a reach of an elbow...hahah, i posted to this blog almost everyday, and then things changed, my life is turning up side down, down side up...seriously, many things change, some dreams need to be left...yet, some other things came up, and thats how, if you are wondering, i spend the days...
many things had happened, surely, within months, which was 6 months ago since my last post...
eventually i need to follow my headstrong father's will to become a government slave..i still disgust the idea that i work in such a corrupt system, a system so called giving a life time warranty to your lack of ...what you call it...self determination...sure do, cause your life is stirred by the government rules...which is so un-cool...fu**...
i almost lost my mind, again, during such a long waiting...it proves that waiting is sickening, so many things to wait that you almost puke your heart out...jump from the balcony and thought that misery will be over, hgahahahaha...only losers do that...hahahaha.
actually i have set of pictures to share with you guys, and i dont know whether there are still people reading and dropping by to this blog....ghehehehe...many things did happen to my this past few months...and those things were just fun, strangely to say...
i had the time to visit kuching, in north kalimantan,
i had the time to work in a land opening ceremony in deep forest of kalimantan, meeting native people who speak ibanese...farway from the city, where electricity is such an exclusive stuff, where TV is hard to get...and the only entertainment is the sound of the river, chanting of bugs, and raindrops, literaly speaking...in the end i just feel so small and considered that my headstrong idealism to become an established director was an arrogant and emotionally driven goals of some young selfish narrow minded 20 something guy..
gee...i want to stop writing now, and think of all the stuffs again....i meant to upload some images for you to enjoy, yet apparently those images cant be uploaded...so, see ya later...hahaha.

please visit http://masyarakatfilmindonesia.wordpress.com/about/ to support Masyarakat Film Indonesia, changes are needed, fast!

2007-05-22T10:08:00.001+07:00

another set of images made by Motorola L6.

2007-05-22T09:22:00.001+07:00

i have images of my last trip to jogja for you guys. they dont show any particular landmark of jogja though. haha. just me and some of my friends hanging out and having the best of youth. daa..

2007-04-04T10:51:00.000+07:00

during my dull time, i also made some sketches, not exactly a sketches. as they actually finished up to be some clothing design that i fantasized. i dont only fantasized of naked person FYI. haha. anyway, anyone of you can help me to make this designs to be worn by somebody and let us have it on the runway by Irina or Gema Ward? haha.
yeah, its been sometimes that i think i would do some designing of clothes. its not a fancy stuffs, but imagining that someone would wear it in the actual time its just intriguing, just like sex. haha.

2007-04-04T10:35:00.000+07:00

its been a while huh? hehe. yeah its been so damn long. not quite grabbing the idea of what to write. but here are some of pictures taken during my so called boredom moments.

2006-11-10T18:11:00.000+07:00

These days cartoon shows are rulling back most of TV stations. withi nothing to do in the morning, and restless mind that one have, they should have noticed that any lunatic cartoons on TV are actually not that simple. there are uephemistic message in particular episodes, if you do put your eyes on those series. any couch potatoes like me would do such a thing. once you did not really put attention to any lunatic episodes they aired, but then when you are dumbstruck it comes to your mind that several episodes of those mischieved characters gave you de javu.
for several months before work, i have realy loads of times to get dumb with TVs. usually i dont have any favorite cartoons on TV, but now i can mention some of the series that really captured my attention, due to their stories, unimaginable characters or how disfunctional they are. some of them are: Jimmy Neutron, ChalkZone, Dora the explorer, the angry beaver, spongebob, and catdogs.
believe me, i used to think that Spongebob was not worthy of my attention. but now, shamefuly i have to change that opinion.

somehow i love the disfunctional relationship among the characters. they are so unbelieveably insane from the first place which makes them just loveable. and some episodes do memorable.

yesterday i watch one where Squidward- the cynical squid- wish that he would vanish from Bikini bottom- that unbelieveable city under the sea- and would never see Spongebob, Patrick, and anyone from that stressfull city. and guess what, he had his wish come true.

in a struck of a lightning he sat himself inside this time machine that brought him to several destinations. well, actually he manage to hidehimself in the huge freezer inside Crabby Patty's restaurant and found that freezer was actually a time travelling machine. which is cool.

Squidward was sent to 2000 years after that, where he met Spongetron, if i am not mistaken. then he went back to age before time where he met this stone aged Spongebob and Patrick who still could not talk any language and afraid of jelly fish. one thing led to another, and Squidward showed them how to catch jellyfish.

and the last destination was my most favorite, where Squidward was sent to a place of nothingness. which was empty, fully white space, and just some blocks of colors hanging on the unidentified white roof. which was a homage to 2001 space oddysey by Kubrick. i think so.

it was a briliant episodes. isolation that brought to extreme response of antisocial function.

i guess i'll try to watch another episode. and get dumb.

2006-11-08T19:21:00.000+07:00

my uncle lent me a book. it was called 'the secret of thinking big.' or something else sound like that. for me, any book exposing such title is just any self help book written by some smart ass who think that they know ones problem better than that person himself. and i put away such books cause no one will ever reckon my problem better than myself. and i wont let other people tell me what to do considering my problems, meaning...mmm, i am one smart ass myself. gag.
and actually with such blocked life that i have, i need those kinda books. yeah right...
my father gave me such book, cause he thinks i should put my dream of becoming a writer and a director into the deepest ground. i found that very undemocratic, less likely to be called fatherhood, and insulting. i didnt care, and i threw his book away from my sight.
i actually tried to avoid any possible conversation with him since he kept me from going to Jakarta.

that darn book was called 'secret of thinking big' or something else like that.

what you are thinking will form or defy the person you are. and if you juggling around or inside a less creative comunity or people you will be uncreative yourself. thinking big means you have a certain goal you want to achieve within the next 5 or 10 or 20 years by thinking big.

lets start with the quote.

how my life would be in the next 5 years?

"i want to become a professional writer, writing debatable, absurd stuff almost likely uncapable of being considered by simple mind. i have written several award winning books, and some cheap sleazy love story dedicated to my loveless persona.

because i am a professional writer, i manage to buy land and houses in Jakarta, Bali, and Singapore-some of the cities where i want to live.

all those houses are simple, modern, and functional related to my personality. they have works of several famous artists ever lived. to mention a few, Andy warhol and Dali. i want to have a house just like Kanye wants his house.

i would travel from one of those houses to another house whenever i needed a boost of ideas. i would comeback at dawn from wild parties to rest inside those houses and feeling glad cause i still have places to go back home even though there's no one waiting for me there.

during my leisure time of writing i would direct music videos of some notable artists out there. if there is any asian Mike Romanek or Samuel Bayer, that would be me.

i dont need cars, cause i like to take public transportations. and if i do need car, i would by a VW.

i would be single by this age, cause i still think that being alone is the best way to sleep with anyone i want, despite of sex, wherever i want within those houses i mentioned before.

i would dress just like weezer vocalists, and i would have the same glasses as his.

i would be noted as prolific writer and director stands within his idealistic absurd and sex life.

i would be running away from my tyrant father and never would have to go back home fullfilling his wants towards me.

i would mingle among models, notable directors, and wild people as i do, and live our own bubble. despite any criticism towards us. cause life is a form of creativity for us.

i would let my siblings to become whoever whatever they wanted to be.

i am still 29 this time. and i still havent considered of marrying somebody."

thats what happen if i think BIG.

2006-11-07T18:09:00.000+07:00

this morning i went to the police HQ to make license A, the driving license that allows you to drive cars in Indonesia. i stucked there from 8 something in the morning and it ended up 3 in the afternoon. i hate to wait and i hate to make people wait for me. yet, today that kind of thing is just unavoidable. anyway, there were steps to follow:
*you have to take a theory test, which examine whether you really know the rules on the road, and whether you are proper enough to drive on wheels.
*you will take picture of yourself, and usually a self picture on a driving license is always bad. my last year's license (type C) had this picture of mine that looked like a terrible drag queen coming back from a late night show and still had some make up spilled on his tired face. and my type A license is a bit luckier. my picture on this one looked like 4 years older than last year's picture. i looked like someone, my tyrant father- whom i hate down to the bone-well, not that much.but I HATE HIM, yes.

and after taking that odd picture with one odd pose you should put yourself in a queue. to take that license. i joined those people queuing. my stomache growling cause i havent eat since the morning. i sat on this white wood bench. smoking. thinking that i would kill someone just to get out of there and get my license. but i would be caught for murder if i do that, and i wont get any license, so i decided not to do it. in front of me sat two young women. malayan. obviously. talking proudly, hecticly in their mother tounge-which for me just sounded noisy. i hate malayan. dont know why. it banged my ears and the tone just not nice.
then came this middle aged man. dressed in red shirt. a tidy and well prepared one. his left eye was red. he was short. wearing this officer pants and one pair of nice leather shoes. the shoes were black. this middle aged man sat next to both women i described before. at first he was silence. he was busy with his Nokia N-91. text-ing someone. i dont care.

then, he talked to the girl with white pressed shirt that exposing her blossoming breast. those breast and their owner seem so proud of any euphoria coming out of that situation.
that old man talked in a very low tone, as if he was wanting to talk just to that woman in white, not with her friend (in black, next to her, and not as attractive as the girl in black).
one sentences led to another. and my naughty ears, and obnoxious nasty mind just urging to hear more and becoming prejudice. hahaha.

that old man said (from my super ears' observation): working?

girl in white with nice boobs: still looking...

that old man: where did you work?

girl in white with nice blossoming breast: i worked at this store, but i quit...

that old man: mmmm....mmmm...(unclear)...i had this office near X road...we are still looking for employers...

girl in white with nice boobs, and blossoming...: really?

that old man: can i have your number? who knows if we still have that position, i can offer it 2 u..

girl in white.....blossoming boobs: (thinking for a while)...here is my number...

and so on...

and so on...

and both these people continue talking. the girl in white (seemed to me) started to feel agitated. she talked to her unattractive friend. and laughed a little- very little- just for themselves. then both of these women walked away from that old man.

that old man is a land crocodile---buaya darat---sexual predator.

says who?

said I. period.

2006-11-05T11:58:00.000+07:00

i called Lusi last night, from a glimpse of a burning will to hear her voice again...
not that dramatic though. hahahaha. so many things to catch up between us. she wanted to
hear my side of story , and likewise. and mostly she's the one who gave me much amusement.
she wanted to quit her job and find another challenging ones...well, she is one drama queen...
just like me, is there any drama queer term? gag.
she dumped her plump lover- no offense to that- and started a new love career with one
fourthy year old man- which is a shock. yeah, she's going down for old meat now...hahaha.
never pass in my mind that she would start such a thing. hell yeahh..
we talked, we talked, we talked...since the college years we do talk and discuss a load. just about anything.she's one argue loving woman i have ever known. no offense for that.
she unlocked some of secrets that i cannot share here...she told me the latest of my coleague,
and we talked like for an hour...hell, i dunno how much i would pay this month just for
phone bills only...darn.
and eventually i got so tired, almost deciding to sleep my exhausted mine when one drama king
text me, just out of the blue, revealing secrets he was not trying to reveal for me- thats what
he said the previous day- but i guess he could not resist not telling it to me. gegegegege.
we texted each other like for an hour or more. it ended at 2 in the morning when i eventually
fell asleep after reading (again) 'Embroidery'...which is funny...funny...funny...

been there, done that.
and i read this thing-down there- this morning. i got it from mas enda (see the link on the right side of this page). one reading that sucks you within and makes u gulp thousand times.

REQUEST FOR URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP

FIRST, I MUST SOLICIT YOUR STRICTEST CONFIDENCE IN THIS TRANSACTION. WE ARE TOP OFFICIAL OF THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT CONTRACT REVIEW PANEL WHO ARE INTERESTED IN IMPORATION OF GOODS INTO OUR COUNTRY WITH FUNDS WHICH ARE PRESENTLY TRAPPED IN NIGERIA….. HE HE HE, KIDDING!

Bolehkan saya untuk memulai lagi. Ehm, ehm.

Di bawah ini adalah cerita tentang dunia tempat saya tinggal dengan segala isinya. Sebuah planet dalam jaringan alam semesta yang tidak jauh berbeda dengan tempat tinggal kamu yang kamu sebut planet bumi.

Kita tidak pernah berhubungan sebelum ini, kamu belum bisa melihat dan berkomunikasi dengan kami. Dan kami belum perlu untuk menghubungi kamu (selain email ini). Tapi selain jarak yang memisahkan kita ratusan juta tahun cahaya, rupanya kita tidak jauh berbeda.

Di bawah ini adalah cerita tentang kami.

Di tahun 3021, peradaban manusia (supaya mudah saya akan menggunakan istilah manusia juga) di dunia kami sudah berlangsung dan berkembang cukup lama. Populasi manusia sudah cukup banyak dan kami tinggal berkumpul di kota-kota besar yang melayang di atas tanah.

Teknologi, ekonomi dan kebudayaan kami cukup maju dan masalah lingkungan belum ada. Keluarga, bapak, ibu, anak hidup berdampingan dalam hubungan sosial yang dekat satu sama lain di dalam rumah-rumah pribadi.

Atmosphere planet cukup hangat untuk hidup tanpa alat pemanas dan cukup sejuk untuk ditinggali. Singkatnya kehidupan kami cukup menyenangkan dan tidak jauh berbeda dengan kehidupan di planet bumi dengan satu pengecualian, dunia kami hanya terdiri dari dua warna: HITAM dan PUTIH.

Untuk waktu yang lama tidak ada yang merasa hal ini aneh. Sepanjang yang kami tahu beginilah kondisi semua kehidupan di dalam dan diluar alam semesta, HITAM dan PUTIH, hingga suatu hari.

Di tahun 3368, di satu kota di belahan utara planet kami ditemukanlah sebuah warna KUNING. Tidak ada yang tahu dari mana warna KUNING ini berasal seolah-olah dia jatuh dari langit dikirimkan oleh sebuah kekuatan kebaikan untuk kami.

Penemuan ajaib dan supernatural! Orang berbondong-bondong untuk datang, karena tidak ada yang pernah melihat warna KUNING pada saat itu, dunia kami hanya hitam dan putih. KUNING terlihat seperti sesuatu yang luar biasa, hampir-hampir agung.

Tidak lama orang-orang yang sudah melihat warna kuning ini dengan mata kepala sendiri mulai merasakan pengaruhnya pada diri mereka. Mereka percaya bahwa KUNING dikirimkan untuk mereka dan ada maksud kenapa mereka yang menerima warna KUNING tersebut.

Kota itu pun menjadi terkenal sebagai warna KUNING, dan orang-orang yang tertarik pada warna KUNING berkumpul disitu untuk belajar dan mengenal apa sebenarnya arti dari warna tersebut. Sebagian menjadi sangat ahli tentang KUNING dan menjadi sumber rujukan bagi mereka yang ingin tahu. Sebagian lagi menyatakan diri percaya bahwa KUNING ditakdirkan datang pada mereka dan menjadi bagian dari hidup mereka.

Dua puluh tahun setelah itu, di tahun 3388, di tempat yang tidak jauh. Ditemukan sebuah warna lain lagi. Warna HIJAU.

Kembali orang berbondong-bondong untuk melihat warna baru ini. Ya kita sudah memiliki HITAM, PUTIH dan KUNING, tapi ini baru! Ini warna HIJAU!

Apa artinya warna yang baru ini? Apa pengirim HIJAU ini sama dengan pengirim KUNING? Kenapa dia ditemukan disini?

Kembali pertanyaan-pertanyaan memenuhi kepala mereka yang hadir disitu. Antusiasme dan keingintahuan untuk mempelajari warna ini pun hadir kembali. Orang berkumpul, belajar, menganalisa apa arti dari HIJAU.

Tidak lama orang-orang pun mulai membandingkan KUNING dengan HIJAU. Apa perbedaan antara mereka? Mana yang lebih bagus? Apa arti dari masing-masing warna?

Para ahli KUNING kurang senang dengan keadaan ini, waktu mereka dan keahlian mereka telah mapan di bidang KUNING. Dengan hadirnya HIJAU maka tingkat sosial mereka pun terancam, dan mereka mulai menunjukkan kelebihan-kelebihan KUNING di banding HIJAU.

KUNING lebih terang, KUNING adalah cahaya, KUNING adalah pencerahan, kata mereka pada para pengikutnya. HIJAU mungkin bagus, tapi tidak sebaik dan sebenar KUNING. KUNING adalah yang terbaik.

Sementara itu mereka yang melihat HIJAU dan lebih menyukai HIJAU tentu beranggapan lain.

HIJAU itu sejuk, HIJAU membawa kedamaian, HIJAU adalah kehidupan dan alam menurut mereka. HIJAU lebih baik dari KUNING.

Perdebatan yang sengit kadang muncul diantara mereka yang percaya pada KUNING dan mereka yang percaya pada HIJAU, tapi sementara itu peristiwa lain lagi datang.

Pada tahun 3428, 40 tahun setelah HIJAU turun dan 60 tahun setelah KUNING turun, di sebuah daerah lain, ditemukan warna MERAH.

Pada tahap ini, para pengikut KUNING dan pengikut HIJAU telah masing-masing memisahkan diri satu sama lain.

Mereka hidup di kota yang berbeda, dan kalaupun mereka hidup di kota yang sama mereka menegaskan identitas mereka dengan menggunakan simbol-simbol dengan warna masing-masing di tubuh mereka.

Pengikut KUNING akan mengecat janggut dan rambut mereka dengan warna KUNING, sedang pengikut HIJAU akan menggunakan gelang, kalung dan tutup kepala berawarna HIJAU.

Ketika MERAH datang, kembali proses yang sama terjadi. Orang datang untuk melihat MERAH, mebawanya sedikit dan menyebarkannya ke teman dan keluarga mereka.

Kembali keingintahuan dan antusiasme orang untuk mempelajari MERAH hadir. Dalam waktu yang tidak lama MERAH pun telah memiliki pengikut yang cukup banyak.

MERAH menurut mereka, berarti berani, MERAH adalah darah, sungai di tubuh kita, MERAH adalah kehormatan dan keksatriaan. Merah adalah satu-satunya cara hidup yang terhormat di planet ini.

Dalam kurun waktu seratus tahun, dunia kami yang asalnya hanya berwarna HITAM dan PUTIH telah mendapat tiga tambahan warna lagi tanpa kami tahu siapa pengirimnya dan apa sebabnya warna-warna itu hadir sekarang, mereka hadir begitu saja.

Masing-masing warna KUNING, HIJAU dan MERAH sekarang telah memiliki orang-orang yang percaya pada warna-warna tersebut, telah ada pengikutnya masing-masing.

Arti dan makna dari masing-masing warna telah mulai diformalkan agar orang tidak lupa dan lebih gampang untuk mempelajarinya. Mereka yang memformalkan ini menjadi ahli tentang warna-warna tersebut.

Membandingkan warna yang satu dengan yang lain tidak terelakkan. Diskusi dan perdebatan tentang mana warna yang paling bagus kerap terjadi dengan masing-masing pengikut percaya bahwa warnanya yang paling bagus.

Sebagian beranggapan ada maksud didalam cara penyampaian warna-warna tersebut yang tidak sekaligus. Kenapa KUNING dulu, lalu HIJAU, lalu MERAH?

Pengikut KUNING beranggapan bahwa KUNING adalah yang terbaik karena KUNING diturunkan pertama. Pengikut MERAH tentu berpendapat lain, MERAH yang terbaik karena dia diturunkan belakangan artinya MERAH diturunkan untuk memperbaiki warna-warna yang datang sebelumnya.

Sedang HIJAU beranggapan bahwa urutan mana yang turun tidak penting, tapi nilai-nilai dan makna dari warna-warna itu yang harus dijadikan patokan.

KUNING, HIJAU dan MERAH menjadi bahan diskusi dan perdebatan yang hangat di dunia kami saat itu. Masing-masing pengikut menggunakan identitas warnanya sendiri, pengikut MERAH sekarang menggunakan pakaian dengan lambang bulat berwarna merah di dadanya.

Bukan hanya orang, tapi benda milik pengikut warna pun menggunakan simbol dan warna ini. Rumah orang KUNING, akan terlihat berwarna KUNING, sedang orang MERAH mungkin mencat pintunya menjadi MERAH dan sebagainya.

Ketika sebagian orang mulai mencampurkan warna diatas dan mengatakan bahwa mereka percaya pada semua warna KUNING, HIJAU dan MERAH, kemarahan para ahli warna tidak terelakan lagi.

Tidak mungkin percaya pada semua warna menurut mereka. Seseorang hanya bisa percaya pada satu warna dan tidak lebih. Warna adalah pilihan, tidak ada yang memaksa, tapi kamu hanya bisa memilih satu warna karena mencampuradukkan warna akan berakibat campur aduknya nilai dan makna dan ini tidak bagus. Bagiku warna aku dan bagimu warna kamu.

Sejak tahun itu beberapa warna lagi datang di dunia kami. ~~PUTIH~~ UNGU dan BIRU ditemukan oleh orang di belahan dunia lain dan mulai menyebar juga dengan reaksi yang kurang lebih sama.

Sejak saat itu juga, satu orang hanya boleh memiliki satu warna dan warna ini biasanya diturunkan pada anak-anak kami. Orang tua yang HIJAU akan mengajarkan agar anaknya menjadi HIJAU pula. Dan begitupun yang lainnya.

Sejak saat itu dunia kami pun mulai berwarna tidak lagi HITAM dan PUTIH.

Apa yang terjadi dengan dunia kami kemudian?

Bagaimana hubungan antara KUNING, HIJAU dan MERAH serta warna-warna lain?

Apakah akan terjadi kekerasan antara masing-masing warna?

2006-11-04T09:56:00.000+07:00

not much been done this week...

alone in my apartment...

calling some old loyal friends..

talking shits, stuffs, and dopes with Butar...until like 1 hour and a half...

calling tyo...and his "Street car named desire"...

calling bety...she sounded so tired...

calling budy...and his endless drama with his ex girl friend, plus an endless drama
of his own u.t. gwgwgwgwgaggwagagwgakakagag...

this morning called tatang and woke her up, shame on me....hehegegege...

last night got called by melly and i completely forgot what she said...ghagagag..

read a graphic novel entitled..'embroidery'...endless cunt drama of some fictional Iranian women..

and i had to take another driving course...

yawn.

2006-09-19T22:46:00.000+07:00

hi all..
been months ai?
i have nothing to tell,
though actually i want to speak tons..
i miss those days when i have loads of stories to share,
i guess i am in that 'writers block'...
please do wait...
till i can write again,
i do have stories to tell,
but i dont know whats the exact word to start everything...
i guess i am ill at the moment...

2006-06-10T09:27:00.000+07:00

after three months doing nothing
i felt so lame and destressfull, less creative, and i think much more of this
will blow my mind...sigh.
its been several motnhs, more than just three lame months, its more than that, i am telling you,
so i packed my bag and left to singapore. i just dont care about anything
probably i will write loads of things there...
so just wait what will i have for you...
da da da da...
anyway, mmm...nothing...

2006-04-23T19:19:00.000+07:00

the risks of being a government employee
1. no time for dugem
2. no time for being a devoted fashionista
3. no time buat ngopi ngopi lagi brat
4.possibly that i will lost some of my writing quality time
5.here comes big temptation buat korupsi
6.ngga ada jumat absen....ahhhh, tai tai
7.darn!!!!

2006-04-17T18:52:00.000+07:00

i am wondering around Pontianak at the moment
the city where i was born, and the place where i have spent the most of my life, well i dont know whcih city where i have spent the most of my life is since i move around all the time.
pontianak is in the middle of equator where heat is the main issue of the weather.
i have been trying to enjoy some net where they provide you with computers which already has XP but daaa...i only got 98.
i want to change the look of my fs
i want to send some mail to the publishers
and i just cant...
while my stomache is such a messed
and these days they dont sell norit anymore
which century am i living in now??

2006-03-28T08:20:00.000+07:00

we went to the old time favorite coffee shop between one of the infamous so called ditch in the centre of Jogjakarta. the crowd was different, totally changing people, and some old barista's are gone already. too bad i only have limited time to spent in Jogja that wherever i go, feel like being chased by time.
got a lot to catch with my two slutties sista's. been 4 months since i left the city and i got so many dramas spilled of in front of my pink floyd and two plates of french fries. so i was stuffed. but still i think i can take it.
going back to Jakarta today.
see you guys sometimes, in good mood, and all.

2006-03-26T20:35:00.000+07:00

hello everyone...
been four months since my last encounter with the cyber space
and now i feel like a dork, a complete dork
i lost the password to my FS account...
hhhhh....
anyway, surprise surprise...i am a PNS now!!!!
Pegawai Negeri Sipil.....sigh.
i tell you more about that later.....
life's been hard for me dude, it wont be enough to spill it in these tiny spaces....
it wrecked my mind, my state of being....
yurrrpppp.

2005-12-16T16:27:00.000+07:00

living without technology resulted to several effects. one, the reduction of the actual addiction to technology and the other one is probably the high effort of one's eagerness to seek for the point when one can get that technology. i happen to have the first one.

after the graduation i made this trip to my hometown in west borneo. ready or not i think everyone has to make that kind of trip. years one have been separated or departing themselves from the actual village-y sphere belongs to your pass and now its the time to take a look back, that there are still part of the past behind you and there are still relatives, your uncles and aunties and grand dads and grand moms. they wonder how you look like since for at least 8 years you have been gone from the hood. i have changed a lot, according to my relatives whom i have visited recently.

they noticed a load of things grown in and on me. its like many of those Hollywood movies where the main character would under go such trip and happen to expose something from their past, on that very place.

i always thought that i would despise such trip and always believing that i never belong to such path. but i guess everyone has to be there at one time in their life. i have to take mine. its like a love song for Bobby Long. well, i dont reveal secrets. just some bite of the usual things that happen to my family. my dad said that i have to go home. afterall, its been 8 years i am gone to study. he's right. i need to refresh my mind from the dusty, smoky Jogja. kalimantan always provides me with the sense of home. though Jogja is my other home. i wont discuss that.

i really enjoy this homeward trip. i manage to see hills, green hills, sawah's, farmers on their rice field, some very long narrow or even wide roads that take you to another hills. roads that pass forests, no people around. the usual roads that i go through when i was sooo sooo young.

i have been very busy studying and doing things for five years and those stuffs chased me all days. now its time for a big break, that includes this Christmas. its time for me to wake up each day at 7 and watching METRO this morning, then TRL, and then OPRAH, and then another DVD, and then lunch, and then another daily swimming session at the back of my new house, dinner, and then another session of sponge bob or those fairly odd parents, and then another DVD. and then bed. thats life at twenty something when you have become a bachelor of something and you still have nothing to do and you are waiting for job calls each day. sigh.

2005-11-29T17:57:00.002+07:00

image festive#2.

these are images made by theo aka tyo for his journalism final task due this december. i picked some of them, some which i consider worthy to be put in a magazine like writings [?]. well, meaning that the images fit the magazine like style. the models are amateur (friends in campus) and the images were also taken in campus. nice one. enjoy.

2005-11-28T12:08:00.000+07:00

the followings are some very limited image of the drum and bass historical journey in d-junction last saturday, my hero danes played some tunes and icham was there as well. these drum and bass series are only the beginning of my images festive for the end of november. enjoy yaw.

2005-11-21T20:25:00.000+07:00

i graduated. eventually. the feeling is unutterable. cant say any. but its there. i am relieved. i will keep it for myself, and for the future that awaits me.

2005-11-13T01:04:00.000+07:00

9 naga.
a film by Rudi Soedjarwo.
seems like a gangsta-hongkong-tsui hark wanna be movie. it has sequels. you call it dwilogy.

belahan jiwa.
a film by Sekar Ayu Asmara.
just see the casts here. i am drolling already. a rare case. why wont they put mariana renata all together. i will kill to see this one. nahh, kidding.

2005-11-10T12:11:00.000+07:00

Sometimes ago, i went to a place called sempu with sis ndute and ferlie and loko and the gethos. Well, his friends i mean. hehe.
We were, me, ndute, and ferlie, about to watch an asian horror movie called 'three' when ndute got this short message from loko asking her to join him and the hood to sempu. a small hill in bantul.
we left the movie and followed loko and his friends. i myself has a very rare chance to join this kinda action. you know, loko has this cute jeep car, which is old enough from its look, and we went to sempu with that car. The main mission was actually off-road-ing.
yeah, loko meant to drill his car on that hill, looking for a bite of adrenalin rush. i thought that this would be fun. Well, seldom have I been interested to go to such places with such people. not that i dont like any of these people but when you got really tired and movie is your addiction i used to refuse any kind of preposition to go out.usually, the very common preposition that i would accept are bookstores, antiques, record shops, or coffee. But i dare to take this challenge and has some out door fun.
anyway, beside me, ndute, ferlie and loko, there were also gerly, jimmy, gondes and londho. they are all loko's friends. the jeep was stuffed with the eight of us and it was just fun, cause the whole time we were laughing. and to be honest, i never been to that place, so i was curious.
sempu is located on the south east part of jogja, if i am not mistaken with the direction. i cannot really explain but if you are an outsiders, just ask where wirobrajan is and where the sugarcane company named 'madu kismo' is, then you can ask another direction to sempu.
sempu is somewhat a hill. quite cornered by the landscape. with a graveyard on its east part and some forrest surrounding it. from the look of that place i could see that its always used for off road competition. there were barriers and smaller hills that made by humans and machines and nature which can be drilled by such car like loko's.
when we got there, no one was there, but we could see the remaining objects from previous competition held there.
the first 20 minutes when we got there we tried those smaller hills and barriers, but when the barriers looked very tough some of us decided to jump out from the car and better to watch everything from outside of the car. Completely becoming spectators. hehe. it felt pretty different when you were in and outside of the car.
Well, loko's car was not in his prime status, the wheels were not good, so we decided not to force the car from its limit. Then we decided to take pictures of ourselves. hehe.
the place, i mean sempu, was nice in the afternoon. it has this strange sense of warm and shady clouds. Probably because of the rain the night before.
I could see also the remaining ashes from logs that people burned when they camped there. Well, I could not see the idea of camping there while having a sight of graveyard behind you. Daaa..
We went back around 6. Singing bryan adams along the way. It was a strange feeling for me since I could not really get their jokes. But I laughed because they did sound silly. Being silly is an important aspect of giving jokes right, unless you are…ummm..well, try to name a person that gives a joke while his face strain stressfully.
In the end, we finished the day by watching ‘three.’ It was not a nice composition of spending a day right…but hell…

2005-11-06T12:42:00.000+07:00

secara gw bentar lagi wisuda maka dr sekarang gua udah nyiap-nyiapin apa aja yang kudu gw siapin supaya bisa wisuda november ntar. bayaran-bayaran dari kampus sih udah beres, gw cuma perlu ngurus revisi skripsi gua, it wont take much time, cuma kalo gw males ngerjainnya kayaknya sama aja sih. jadi harus semangat. haha. tanggal 19 ini wisudanya. ga lama lagi tuh. gw denger-denger sih keluarga inti gua bakal datang. itu berarti bokap, nyokap, dan 3 prajurit kecil gw: fanny, ela, ma abel. secara gw udah lama ga ktmu mereka, kangen juga tuh ama wajah2 mereka yang imut2. penasaran udah sejauh apa mereka berubah. apalagi abel. adek gw yg satu ini saraf motoriknya agak lamban, jadi ngomongnya masih kacau. ah kasian sekali kamu. tapi tetep, dia jadi favorit keluarga. soalnya paling bontot, paling lucu lagi. dari gelagat-gelagatnya sih dia juga suka difoto. parah dah. kecil2 udah narsis.berita buruknya adalah di tiket pesawat. gw denger-denger tiket pesawat harganya ngelunjak. ga tau diri tuh pesawat. harga bahan bakar pesawt naik juga ya? ya iyalah harga minyak dunia melambung jack. wah, alamat ga aliat abel dan yang lainnya nih. kata bokap kalo tiketnya kemalahan adek2 gw ga bakalan diajak, jadi bokap gw doang yang bakal datang. kalo dipikir-pikir sih..mereka ga datang juga ga apa-apa. soalnya wisuda itu prosesnya lama, ribet, panas-panas, terus wisudaan tempat gw ngga enak. di lapangan bola yang berpasir itu. mana enak. siang-siang lagi. debunya pada naek. terus adek2 gw yg masih kecil-kecil itu bakal susah dikontrol kayaknya. jadi mikirin siang-siang gitu memburu mereka yang lari kesana-kesini kayaknya males banget. ahhh...bingung deh gua...tapi gw pengen juga sih mereka datang. udah lama banget ngga ktmu. 11 bulan. apa kabar ya...bentar lagi akhir tahun. udah mau natal lagi..uhh. natal tahun ini gimana ya...

eniwe, gw lg dengerin lagunya astrid, vokalis asal surabaya yang dulu sempat menggemparkan (ya ela..) dunia pervideoklipan indo dengan singlenya 'ratu cahaya' secara dia muncul ala bjork, thanks to dimas jay. sekarang dia balik lagi dengan album perdananya. gw penasaran banget. kualitas suaranya emang langka. pop yang ngga standar deh. astrid punya echo yang gw suka. suaranya tuh gabungan ballad, world music, pop iya, alternative oke..kalo ktmu produser yg handal, duh albumnya bisa laris bak kacang rebus. astrid punya range suara yang oke, dan improvisasi yang bagus. menurut gw sih. dan dia bisa membangun base fans yg ckup kuat. gw yg pertama deh.hehehehe.cukup, lagunya yg ini 'cinta itu'nongol di film 'mirror' nya nirina. filmnya sih so so ya..cenderung basi (tapi apa gw bisa bikin film kayak gitu)...ah, singlenya bagus deh..

ingin kuakui

cinta yang kauberi

ingin kuakhiri sepi

dan sendiri

siapa yang mengerti perih

dalam hati

ingin kuakhiri

pahit nya misteri

hasrat untuk tepiskan

semua kenyataan

dan seribu bayangan hilang

cinta itu

menjauhlah

tinggalkanlah aku sendiri

cinta itu musnahkanlah

karena kau satu2nya

cinta itu

menjauhlah..tinggalkanlah aku sendiri

cinta itu musnahkanlah

karena kau satu-satunyayang kucintai
siapa yang mengerti

perih dalam hati

ingin kuakhiri pahitnya misteri

hasrat untuk tepiskan semua kenyataan

dan seribu bayangan hilang

nyanyiin lagi refr. nya...
hidup astrid!! hehe.
ps: secara tiap lagu ada sejarahnya, gw ga punya sejarah aneh2 sih sama lagu ini. cuma gw pengen banget lagu ini ditujukan buat seseorang yang senyumnya pengen gw tonjok. kangen jack. kangen yang teriris-iris karena gw ga bisa ktmu lo walaupun jogja ini kecil. kangen yang semakin teriris karena lagu ini bikin gw pengen nampol lo. ah sudahlah. pathetic jack. udah denger lagunya shanti yang baru? tambah ancur deh.

2005-11-01T21:31:00.000+07:00

in the past few years i have been sick for several times. i have lived for almost 24 years and like any other normal people i fell sick. and this fall, like Lisa a friend of mine of maaaany years from junior high, i fell sick again. of a same sick again. this same illness knocked me down successfully and turned me lame and slow. like a snail. yet, do snail suffer from cold? yes dear, i got a terrible cold for 4 days.

Lisa got her cold because she could not bare the weather. i got sick cause a)well, i suppose the weather is changing somewhere in the city and the wind is cold, but i was not that weak speaking of the wind. when i was that fresh i took my motorcycle buzzing the city and socializing myself. enjoying my time as a fresh graduate bachelor of letters. a fresh label that hangs me in the middle of doubt. where should i step my feet. the education stuffs has finished. i am on my own. i have to set my own path. darn. b) i bought this silly mentol light cigarette. i burn and smoke some of them after i buzzed the city with my bike. i drank one cold cholocate and read some mags. i thought my body could not stand the shock. c)after those 2 i came home and immediately took my bath so that i can prepare myself for another night-wondering with some friends. darn. after the bath i felt different. i thought i was going to be sick.

and i fell sick. it took days for me to recover. the worst part was i usually do not feel such dizzinnes. but now i felt it. it was terrible. one hard step made by my feet would shake my head. everytime i passed the road bumps the same thing would happen.

everyone told me to take a bed rest. i just could not. the boarding house is all empty. everyone is going home for the hari raya lebaran. i wont stay there and (possibly) die on my own. i need to see people, even when i am sick. and there was I. i visited ndute's place and watched TV as usual. that went for 2 days and i still feel terrible. usually with just bottles of mineral water and some fruit i would survive and feel fresh immediately. anyway, that B would help me too. but this B****x did not quite help me now. so i turned my eyes to much more stronger medicine. the kind of medicine that made me scared when i saw the wrapper. the indication. the ingridients. and the contraindication. i wont take those pills, i said to myself. i dont need medicine that made me sleepless, palpitate, or having diarea. Jesus.

but then, one night-when i thought i just could not stand it, i took one of those dangerous medicine. i thought that i would turn to sleep immediately. but apparently not. i turned asleep cause i read the same lame magazine that i have. its my sleeping teraphy.

the next morning i woke up. i did not feel anything, beside a strange cram in my stomache and a weird feeling growing inside. darn, that was the contraindication. that medicine did not work dude. i still feel warm inside and outside. and that lame headache still remain. i wont take that dangerous medicines anymore.

eventually i was cured by... i did not know what did i take that i feel okay now. on sunday nights i just sweating all around in my sleep. i changed clothes twice. and the next morning i feel strangely okay. and i took my first bath in 3 days. disgusting. but thats true.

its weird that this cold always the sickness that easily beats me down everytime. in 2002, i suffer a terrible fever, and odd symptomps of body weakening. i did not quite remember, but i remember that it started with the same fever. i thought that i was going to die, cause it happened for a month or so. i was lame when i sick. i simply could not do things. well, afre there anyone that can do hard things when they're sick. i am strange.

but thats it. i need to discover WHY fever is my fear factor. for those who feel the same raise your ass!

2005-10-25T20:42:00.000+07:00

daripada ngga posting dan staggering banget pengen nulis i choose to write these things down here. ah, probably nothing much of these stuffs are important...but why blog anyway if u dont writer anything about ur current feelings, life, whatever...

1. my deepest hatred goes to Jusuf Kalla and all members of House of representatives for inquiring more money within their all ready too much monthly payment. screw them!

2. i notice some situations here but dont really know what actually happen, yeah its about something which probably my surroundings dont notice much.

3.i have been preparing things for my graduation. booking this, booking that... the whole brady bunch would be here. its going to be a big mess.

4. managing and preparing my moving to Jakarta. much awaited dreams lie in that old messy terrible and tangling city, whatever...can i compete with such strainfull town?

5.its about her. what should i do to her. i am on the edge of questioning my path of bla bla. i know i can do it myself but probably its better to have her with me? or should i leave it to the times and wait until its pretty clear whether i should have her around or not? who am i to chose?

6.what kind of job that a fresh graduate like me need to have? must have? to pay bills u need job. my boss in the current office told me to have another job to stay safe. its hard to join my present bussines. the wind is not always that good. sometimes its blowing hard and fruitfull sometimes its just dry.

7.lately i have been dreaming of keeping this blog in such a long long time that probably i would write until the day that i suppose to die...sigh. penasaran juga rasanya udah jadi bokap2 dan masih aja nulis blog, kayak mas enda. it is probably the coolest position ever. u know, anak lo bisa notice and watch that their parents are cool. ahahaha. ngga gatek gtl.

8. i am really interested to go to school again. but now the money comes from my own pocket. should i work first? the college in SF has sent me more catalogues this term. darn it.

9.another shounji is emerging...

a mind of a fresh graduate who is in the middle of verge gonna cracy. naaa. damn. questions about job, family, wife, kids, jobs...wife, family, kids...and more jobs. so lame.

anyway, Lisa kasih info soal panda panda lucu yg baru lahir di states sana. i dont really follow their birth actually, tapi mereka lagi lucu2nya sih jadi enak buat follow up pertumbuhan mereka. kamu bisa kunjungi official site mereka di sini. anyway mereka di san diego dudes. ada live cam yg memantau perkembangan mereka...ahhh, sampai tidur kalo kamu juga lagi online di mana aja bisa ngeliat. mereka punya beberapa cam yg bisa kamu pantau 24 jam. so cool. in the mean time liat foto nya aja kali ya....

2005-10-20T23:46:00.000+07:00

betty and me

Singkat aja ya. sebenarnya pengen nulis tentang ujian pendadaran gua kemaren. tapi ga ada mood...betty besok pagi pulang ke batam. gua dan yg lain bakal merindukan temen terbaik satu ini. ingat2 jogja dan kita2 ya jeng. ingat saat 3b kumpul2...ingat 5 tahun lebih kita kuliah bareng. hati2 di jalan. gua bakal kangen sekali sama semuanya.

TUHAN jaga dia besok di pesawat dan semua yang berangkat ke batam. she's one of my sweetest.

take care selalu ya my beth.

amen.

2005-10-15T19:38:00.000+07:00

seminggu udah lewat. minggu ini adalah minggu yang menggetarkan hati. buat gw. ngga tau kenapa. berasa kayak ending dari sebuah tv soap. its an ending of a fabulous series. kayak waktu gua sering nonton FRIENDS dan kemudian bersedih karena serial yang mantab nan mandraguna itu akhirnya benar-benar habis setelah 10 season membuat gua nagih. mungkin orang-orang yg pernah ada di posisi gua juga berasa demikian.

oke, gua buka rahasia nya. mungkin aja sampai baris ini tulisan gua masih ga bisa dimengerti. sip. (dengan suara drum...pam...pam...pam)...hari selasa nanti, gua akhirnya sidang aka pendadaran aka board exam-menurut istilah jurusan gua. akhirnya hari yang gua nanti-nantikan di mana knowledge yang udah gua serap-cieee serap...kayak sponge-bakal diuji...dan skripsi yang gua tulis akan gua defense di depan penguji. huehehehe.

nah seminggu menjelang sidang gua itu, gua semakin merasa aura perpisahan dan event-event yang mempertegas perasaan gua. sedih sih ngga, cuma berasa kayak di Tv soap td.

betty bakal balik ke batam dalam 2 minggu lagi. ngga tau kapan gua, temen2 gua, dan dia bisa bersua lagi...doh...bersua...hueheheheh...she's one kind of friend. pernah pahit dan manis lah sama sama dia. ngga kerasa aja dunia nyata udah memanggil gua dan dia. masing-masing emang harus menghadapi pilihan itu. dan betty memilih balik ke batam. dia bakal kerja katanya.ngga tau juga gua di mananya, dan dia bakal kerja apaan. wish the best lah buat dia. bakal kangen banget sama cewek ini. soalnya, udah sexy, orangnya baek lagi. huehehhahhaheheh...

beberapa temen gua juga bakal dan udah sidang minggu ini, dan kita bakal sama-sama wisuda november nanti. penantian lagi. dan wisuda kali ini bakalan sepi, ya maksud gua...temen2 gua yang bakal gua bagi kebahagiaan gua ini kayaknya udah tersebar kemana-mana.

gua juga ketemu lusi dan saras lagi. timing yang benar-benar aneh menurut gua. aneh dan kebetulan yang ngga tau gimana jelasinnya. saat gua mau sidang mereka berdua malah nongol.

lusi adalah ceweknya kakak angkat gua, si komang, dan saras adalah well...ghegege...she was my muse, my passion, i thought i had love for her. cuma ya, bukan begitu adanya menurut jalan kita.

lusi baru saja bertengkar hebat dengan kakak gua, dan seperti yang gua tebak, mereka balik lagi. ampai kapan mereka begitu. ampe mereka married kali ya? huehehhe. lusi bilang ke gua kalo dia mau quit secretary jobnya dan pindah ke batam (?) buat nyari enterpreneur. bingung juga gua liat cewek ini. gua juga bingung dengan kakak gua yang bisa pacaran dengan wanita kutu loncat ini. sementara itu, saras yang fs nya disabot orang malah akan mencoba move ke jakarta. kota yang ngga saras banget menurut pembicaraan kita di kantin waktu itu. wanita-wanita yng gua sayangi ini punya jalan mereka sendiri-sendiri. mulai nampak kah ending episode nya?

temen tersayang gua, bintang, juga muncul lagi. setelah sekian lama gua ga ketemu dia dan gua berusaha spare my time buat ke rumahnya dan nengokin anaknya, bram, yang menurut foto terakhir yang gua liat lucu banget. gugugugugu...gua ga tahan liat anak kecil, pengen jack..huehehuaheheh...kehadiran bintang minggu kemarin membuat perpisahan dengan chapter hidup gua yang ini menjadi lengkap. jangan salah tanggap ya, maksud gua gua bakal memulai chapter yang lain...

nah saat tanda-tanda perpisahan itu muncul, gw bakal pendadaran, gua mulai punya plan-plan di kepala gua...salah satu...eh dua nya adalah....pasangan hidup dan pekerjaan, masa depan...

tiga hari lagi sampai gua pendadaran. dan hari itu semua orang yang gua sayangin dan bertemu dengan gua selama 5 tahun lebih ini udah gua inform buat datang. kalo plan gua lancar gua pengen mereka semua take pictures bareng pas gua abis sidang...saat itulah gua rasa tv soap milik gua pribadi yang judulnya ' the love of life of me' bisa gw abadikan...dan season yang baru akan mulai, dengan pemain-pemain baru, memory lama, dan barangkali pemain lama yang bertahan di musim baru nanti.

2005-10-07T16:02:00.000+07:00

nice add, even though there are many similarities with makepoverty ads and the make trade fair ads. anyway, why use celebritities or public figure? some sort of informal and taste-icalic invitation and sugar, a sign of trendy sign?

2005-10-02T03:57:00.000+07:00

grieve.
bali. 1st october 2005. 7pm.
fuck you all bombers. laugh while you can cause hell awaits you.

2005-09-26T07:15:00.000+07:00

i wont brag that i am a writer. dedicated to my devotion and my passion in writing i guess i can consider that i am one. as usual, its not about me being a writer. there are types of writers. some of these writers, including me-but i am distance from this type i am writing about-writer for movies. they write scripts which later being produced and recorded into films, aka motion picture. related to films, there are films that deliver the issue of multiple identities. it does not have to be more than two. sometimes there are just two. do you believe that? or have u met some one who happens to develop multiple personality or identity?
it does not seem to be happen just like that, but recent movies in my list had been telling the stories about people with multiple identities. to name a few: fight club, identity, hide and seek,and that johny dept movie which i couldnt remember, and some others. i read that stalin had many names, well does that include in multiple identities? i guess one can skip that, stalin probably had more than many names, 106 names for exact, because he had to escape the killers looking at his head all the times. its hard for people like stallin, or hitler, or name any other stubborn politicians, their head has tags with prices and some people used these tags for their income. these people called as the assasins.
back to the issue, multiple identities.

from those movies, one would notice the pressure from the society that cause such deep reactional response on the person. the pressure leads to the wish or desire to escape. for some people the pressure is just too hard to handle and when they cannot really escape then one part of them has escaped, in form of someone probably they dont even know themselves. they unleash another person. lets see, edward norton is so damn bored with his life and he tries to escape then he unleashed brad pitt, his other personality he wished for. john cussack is another identity of a criminal, this one is probably developing in a very young age. i read somehwere that this split identity comes when one faces hard troubles. if those troubles come over again and again and again, then one would probably unleashed more than one personality. sounds freaky enough. and every 3 or 4 years a person has the tendency to unleash one personality. as they grow older the actual person would also develop a split character that grows mature like they do.
have u read the book about this girl who develops mmm 16 personalities? is it 16? skip that. but the issue is she has more than 1 personalities due to her desire of escapes. she wishes that she could be a 30 something woman who posseses this and that. then she unleashed this woman. her other personality. wow.
okay, in those movies the characters are undergoing such pressures. personally i havent witnessed such cases. none of my surroundings show the tendency.
ah suddenly it comes to mind, have u heard about the old woman announcer from Jakarta who has a guy personality within her and she managed to trap many beautiful women announcers in Jakarta? i guess thats an example. probably she is a lesbian but also developing a split identity. she tricked all those women with an image of a really cute guy, which i thought was cute too-laugh-, and she admitted to those women that she was he, i mean...that guy is her...how can u say it. well she said to those girls that the guy in the picture, which she gave to all her victims, is her. this old grandma planned to marry those announcers while they have not even met each other for real. freaky.
for some people the life probably has given them more than they could handdle, i thought so to, until my sanity brought me to the fact that there is no such thing like overweight burden. i realized that when it becomes so harder just left it to the God. God knows what to do. but again, i think God would help if we still sane. if we are insane then it returns to our own effort, we should be sane first,then we can think clearly. hahahaha.

ps: have anyone realized that this blog belongs to my other personality?

2005-09-16T20:34:00.000+07:00

the cold play's reinvention.
the year was 1999, or something like it, when i first caught the glimpse of the neurotic's yet snychronized and full of lurking eye sights of chris martin. he was..well skinny, his eyes were unfocused, he tried so hard to stay focus on the camera but he just could not and his body language was awkward. that was yellow. and i thought that well, this band will be swept away by times, one hit wonders, just like any other british act who try to perform any indie like act to the bussiness. i think it took me a year to forget that skinny chris martin and his neurotic eyes, until the year was 2000 when suddenly he gets back to my life.
one of my college mate has the parachute album on his room. suddenly i remember chris' awkward dance on that video. and still, probably the band had completely vanished and no one will ever hear things about them in the near future. no sights of neurotic eyes and skinny lead vocal on TV, again.
but i was damn wrong.
i dont know since when a rush of blood to the head brought a new meaning to british acts. literally, the sentence addresses the sudden sanity that comes to one's condition. the sudden sanity that comes to your body after you passed out. try to feel it. just twist your feet a bit. put them under restraining pose and hold it like 1o minutes. feel it already? release it. thats how it feels. thats what cold play's next album looked like. that was 2 years ago i suppose. in my place, cold play's first video from the album suddenly justify the new look of cold play for the fans and the music fans. they dont? or its just me?
well, i remember the moments when i would consider chris martin was just one drug addict with neurotic performance and way of singing, not to mention his eyes. he was just some college boy who could write a song and happened to be one of the recording artist from the recording company. one damn big recording company. he was using none of the sleek look in 'yellow' and suddenly he appeared like sleek blue collar people in UK when 'in my place' eventually came. not just him. the whole band did.
and i did notice that for that album chris was like...wearing suits all the time. i mean in most of their videos. years changed and i could not find that neurotic look again. i wonder where have they gone. but it amazed me. chris was more like...preparing himself to embrace adulthood, or probably he had entered years ago? anyway, chris reminds me of the flaming lips leading vocalist. but flamming lips' vocalist is more like one unshaved old hubby for me. and like any other leading man on any band, chris made it to justify himself as the leading man of the band. he appears frequently on most of the videos. sometimes just himself. sometimes other members would appear to but still chris made it to steal most of the scenes. and his justification is completely a winning one because up to this very moment i write this post down i dont know the names of the other members of cold play. cold play means chris martin for me.
a rush of blood to the head created a massive media exposure for the band, and they are every where. i mean everywhere. but its not the beginning of it yet. for me. i am not a big fan of this band, i mean...i was not a big fan of this band, and now i am. therefore, i did not really put attention to what happened to chris and his other band mates. but when i heard he started to date gwyneth paltrow i was quite amuzed and months later they got married. what a kickin ass couple. one managed to steal the oscar and one is yet to become a musical living legend. well, i was happy to know that eventually they got married and now with a baby son. chris' fatherhood is an edible story for every gossip column. and for God sake, Chris broke down the idea that none british lads can surf. he can. i mean, he surfs dude. ok, until this point i was yet their fan. a rush of blood to the head did not amaze me that much instead of those new images the band brought to the surface, and their seemingly identical songs. what i did not realize was those songs brought the huge ambience the band would bring all the way to the next album...the must have X and Y.
i did not quite remember when i arrived to the head lines that before the album was actually on market the singles 'speed of sound' has been sold for more than 500.000 items. speed of sound was lurking the net. the trance filled single drag everyone's ear,includes my anxiety of the single itself. for more than weeks i still did not manage to hear the single. i wonder, i wonder, and i wonder. then came the day when i caught the video on MTV. and that neurotic face was there, again. after all these years. his dynamic awkward dance. his dance for God sake. the kind of dance that i really like to be drawn in right now. the first beats of the piano dragged me. i mean, really dragged me. the first several beats of the drums enchanted me.the video was...all that. until i caught the end of the video and the name of the director was there. speed of sound's video was one of mike romanek's masterpiece for holly mother. i reckoned the last time i caught mike's video was beck's and link kin park's faint which is still my favourite video up to this very moment. X and Y has hit the stores and for Holly mother it came first on the chart. none of the british band ever made that peak in america, beside the beatles. Rollingstone covered that cold play made their video in LA. a really rare case for british bands. probably beside U2. U2 is not a british band anyway. they are irish lads aight?

i could not continue writing this post cause chris blurred my mind with 'fix you' cold play's next single. this one is being shot by sophie muller. another american director. compared to ' speed of sound' i like this video more in a different kind of ways. i felt something really thrilling from this video. i have never really like Coldplay that much. well, if God blesses this guys then they will become a legend and i will manage to see their concert when that day comes. i will stand before the stage. catch them with my eyes and dance, and sing along with other die hard fans. i am yet a die hard fans but if these guys manage to keep their cool and their music boost my bumps and appreciation like now, i will be one.

lights will guide you home
and ignites your bone
and i will try to fix you..

ps:
notice the way chris plays the bulb several times in the video. i wonder what it means. does it refer to the 'lights that will guide you home and ignites your bone' ? whatever that is, the bulb has made a snychronized mesmerizing effect with the lyrics. its hypnotizing.
also notice the colors involved in the video. so chromatic, with ambience of red, purple, blue, and green.
and the most important part of the video, on the last part of the song when the crowd sang together as chris tries to finish the song...
thats the killing factor of this video...

i am dead. i am dead.

2005-08-27T20:31:00.000+07:00

at the moment i am writing a story about some people who seek for true love. the love of their life. the story is supposed to be a movie script later at the last part of the writing. while at the moment i am still doing research on the story. i told a friend of mine that i will write the story so fluent, so dramatic, and so well...i dont know. i told that friend of mine that this story will open people's eyes on the love that they are fighting for. whereevr that is, the love exists, whether that is true love or just a temporary passion or lust there are people who fight for it. the writing itself was build by some stories that i had absorbed these couple of months. its true that you can write something easily if you know the background, or the story probably belongs to you. it is arguable that stories or movies out there who had raised people's awareness are mostly based on true stories. and the one that i have been writing right now are losely adapted from the life itself.

the past few weeks since my returning to jogja i also had plunged myself into some friends' love story. and mine flocked around among them too. its getting even more complicated, yet then i realized that we all are fighting for this thing called love. we need clarification here on our so called love. our so called soul mate. our so called feelings. the emotional state that everyday surrounds us, torture us and even kill us. and there is no end to it.
damn. i am blocked, i dont know what to write again.
okay. there is this friend of mine who wanted to break up with her boyfriend and the boy said no. my friend, the girl, said that the guy had broke her heart so frequent that she does not know whether she can forgive him again. she said that has her forgiveness becomes so cheap? and is she that worth it to be fought for? that is a question you out there..
then there is this guy, a friend of mine too, who is losely attached to his old girl friend. a girl from his home town, a girl he could never escaped from. a girl, he said, whenever he gone she will be the end of it, he will keep coming back to her. the way he told his version of the story i got the idea that well, they are in love, but their mind said 'wait for another years.' things might change. and some things dont change. i notice that this friend of mine and that girl has something so quirky that i can call it love. probably it is love. the unspeakable truth where you and her, you and him, just can sing a song anytime you meet, you dont know or even you cant say it, but its there, in your eyes. god, why people love to resist their feelings? that includes me anyway. if only people know how to say their feelings probably everyone in this life would be relieved. towards their blocked and strangled state. love is frustrating most of the times. aight?
dont ask me dude, i am tired with hola love shit things...in the end i like being alone. okay, probably dont really like it, but i feel more comfortable this way. i dont hurt people. i laugh as much as i want. no body hurts. though by the end of the day i still feel alone. but its okay, everyone has their own share of loneliness.
on this phase of life, i am still 23, there are questions to answer, but some questions are really hard to be spilled out...

honey i love you,
why dont you just take it...eat it, dont fake it...
honey i love you, but probably you dont get used to or even hard to take the truth about yourself..
honey i love you but you make me cant love you anymore...
i dont want to cry because of this, but you make me wake up my dear..
that people have to choose, what state they want to live in..they breathe in..
probably you have fixed and choose that way and left me here alone,
waiting for another lover probably, but fuck you honey...
the day you went, i thought no one would ever replace that smile of yours..
the crazy smile you painted everytime we make love...as if what we did was not true enough for you...
or what we had was just a game for you? what was my heart to you? what was this feeling i have for you?
some kind of break time snacks for you?
i dont blame life for introducing us in that intersection of life, but i wonder if i can meet some one as pretty as you again..
by the end of the day i always wonder about sundays we spent...you would accompany me by nights...
i miss your hug anyway dear...i want to look at those eyes again, anytime i watch it you would turn away shyfully...
but i just want to make love to you...
cant you just come back...
will there be someone out there who love you like i do?
dear i am tired of questioning your leaving again and again again...
if i got a gun right here i would go to you and shot you directly to your forehead and search for the truth of your awkward leaving...
probably you are just some bitch who love to shag and sleep around...
probably i am just one of your endless adventure, of sex, and anything,
probably your glad enough to hump me, and then leave without a trace...
what was the smile for anyway...
fuck you baby, after all this time, i still want you...please come back..or
tell me where you are, i'll pick you up...
and we'll make love tonight on my warm bed...
help me, paint that smile again, leave some sweats on my bed...

above is question..

2005-08-19T20:42:00.000+07:00

adik gw sedang kena demam korea. susah jelasinnya, tapi dia jadi sangat 'korea' buat gw. hahaha. cewek kali ye. stasiun Tv juga kena imbasnya. menurut gw sih ini semua gara-gara teledrama awal banget yang kisahnya sedih dulu itu. cinta tak berakhir judulnya. gw sndiri ga nonton cuma secara karya-karya dari korea kurang lebih emang oke oke. mereka udah bisa masuk nominasi OSCAr berarti keren kan.
nah adik gw nih, udah lama ga ktmu, dan pas gw pergi ke tukang potong rambut langganan gw dibilangin klo dia udah ngeriting rambutnya. wah sontak gw kaget. terakhir banget dia bermain-main ama rambutnya pas dia mutusin untuk ngecat rambutnya merah. padahal klo diliat2 lagi adek gw yg satu ini orangnya rada tidak komunikatif, malas gaul, dan sangat individual. sebagai kakak, gw lumayan senang dengan keberanian dia untuk mengungkapkan maunya dia atas dirinya sndiri. soalnya semasa smp, sd, sma dia keliatan banget dicetak oleh orang tua gw. dan saat lepas dr orang tua untuk kuliah adek gw mulai bisa ngeliat dunia luar. gw rasa dia udah lama terkungkung jadi pas ngerti mau dan dia bisa apa dengan yang namanya kemerdekaan dia mulai experimen macam2. ya salah satunya rambut itu. untungnya kulit dia pas aja. ini yang gw heran. secara gw udah lumayan tan begini adek2 gw semua putih2. menurut aturan emang orang kalimantan itu kudunya putih2 cuma di kasus gw beda. gw inget banget dulu jaman smp pernah berenang dr jam 9 ampe 4 sore. angus sih. cuman kan ga begini dong caranya. sampe sekarang gw coklat angus begini. well, bukannya nolak keadaan diri cuma gw pengen aja kelihatan bersih. yeheheheheh. metro...metro.
buat adek gw, selamat experimen aja dah, asal ga semakin aneh. ungkapkan rasa itu penting jo. mending dr sekarang lo udah tau apa yng lo mau. kalo udah g ada kesempatan bwt mengungkapkan siapa lo sebenarnya rugi bro.
anyway, akhirnya video klip pertama gw selesai edit. dan kamis malam lalu, 18 agustus, udah disaksikan oleh beberapa pasang mata yang antusias apalagi mereka2 yang sempat ada di lokasi shooting. gw sendiri merasa deg degan. karena ini amatir. penerimaan orang kan beda2 ye. apalagi klo misalnya ada orang2 yang judgemental dan cenderung tidak bisa menerima kata 'eksperimen.' gw sendiri udah wanti2 ama band ybs klo mereka adalah trial buat gw dalam membuat video klip. secara gw sndiri juga sutradara amatir dan gw baru membuat 2 film amatir.

pas videonya selesai gw edit, gw liat tuh video berkali kali, berkali kali. mencoba mencari kelemahan atau sisi tidak baik atau ketidaksukaan gw akan video ini. cuma dasarnya gw narsis, susah menarik sisi itu keluar. yng ada gw bangga aja ngeliat hasil kerja keras gw itu. bandnya sendiri suka sih. mau nyombong dikit, video gw agak-agak hollywood gitu dongs. hahahha. gw sndiri kalo ngeliat video2 klip artis major yang nyoba membawa keramaian dalam video mereka suka gagal. hasilnya jadi cemen dan cenderung asal. isinya cewek2 cantik doang. well, ada sih yang kesannya berhasil dapet. tapi ada juga tuh artis2 yang cuma ngandalin sutradara handal bikin videonya tapi hasilnya biasa man. mereka cuma bangga videonya udah dibesut ama siapa gitu. kalo gw sndiri sih sdikit banget suka sutradara lokal, tapi dimas jay, eugene panji, hanung dan rudi masuk dalam list panutan gw. mereka style nya asik. walau kadang bisa ketebak karena udah sering bangte gw liat gambar2 hasil arahan mereka. maaf ya mas-mas yang gw sebut di atas. heheheheh. langkah-langkah yang gw jalanin kayaknya beda dengan yang pernah gw liat dr mereka yang secara pro bikinin video klip buat artis. lama-lama gw jd kpikiran untuk punya PH sendiri. punya kamera sendiri. biar bisa terus dapat job. dapat kesenangan. hahaha.
nah sekarang gw ga sabar untuk dihubungin ama band-band indie lain yang pengen bikin video. hahahah. setelah pertemuan td malam ada sih yang ngajak2 ngobrol gw. cuma ya gw ga ngarti bakal kemana pembicaraan itu kan. mudah2an aja menjadi hal yang baik buat masa depan. yang penting gw akan terus eksperimen. kasian juga sih kalo misalnya semua band atau artis yang video klipnya gw buat cuma jadi bahan eksperimen gw. mudah2an suatu saat gw dapat kesempatan untuk mengetahui ilmu2 visual ini dengan sebenar-benarnya. doain ye...entar kalo gw udah terkenal sebagai sutradara gw ga bakal ngelupain temen kok...hwhwhwhwhehehehwhwheehehe...
nah inilah susahnya, gw mesti fokus niy...skripsi gw ga boleh dianak tirikan. my God...

oya, week end kemarin sempat jalan ama miss renny. temen gw yang pintar dan manis dan well, gw bingung jelasinnya, one kind of a friend ini cewek. salut...kita udah lama ga ketemu, jadinya pas gw ajak ngopi doi langsung iya aja. biasanya kita emang selalu nemuin pembicaraan yang asik klo udah nongkrong. secara gw sndiri juga udah lama ga mubeng2 kota ini akhirnya pagi2 kita sempatin ngopi di salah satu coffee shop favorit gw di jakal 5. beberapa jam ngobrol sana sini dan akhirnya mendapat tanda2 bakal diusir, kita pindah makan siang, lebih tepatnya ngemil. buat gw bakso itu lebih ke ngemil soalnya. di sana curhat sana sini lagi. trus dr situ kita nge-dixie. easy dining begowl baru di jogja. di citos juga ada. hehehe. nah sepanjang 3 tempat itu gw ma renny ngalor ngidul sana sini. ngebahas cintanya renny, cintanya gw, pekerjaannya renny, pekerjaannya gw, skripsi gw...hyahahahhaa.
selama ngobrol ama renny gw baru nyadar dikit, walaupun dikit, kalo gw ini udah tua. kenalan gw ada yg 22 udah married. cowok man. gw udah 23, dan masih bertualang begini, kayak anak-anak. tapi ada lo cwek yang suka dengn model2 gw yang tampangnya ga tua tua ini. hahahahhaa. gw bingung, ini berkah apa musibah. soalnya dengan wajah begini banyak yang salah kaprah, bahkan under estimate ke gw. kalo udah begitu gua bisa apa...ahhhh. binun binun.

teh nia shooting film terbarunya akhir bulan ini, gw pengen banget ikut, secara gw kehilangan kesempatan emas ikut janji jhoni kemaren. sial sial!!! gw musti ikut yang ini, cuma gw g ada duit. ada yg mau bayarin gua ke jakarta dan nginap sebulan, gw mau dah disuruh apa aja....hahaha. jual diri kayaknya oke juga. lo enak, gw enak, gw dapet duit. hahahahaha. tae tae!!! yang penting gw berangkat ke jakarta man. doh, gw tiba2 ingat karakter diva di 'supernova' nya dewi lestari. pecun intelektual yang some how dewa banget. karakter yang mustahil. terlalu bagus untuk jadi nyata brur. terserah lah yee. udah best seller bingung mau dikatain gimane..
bokap gw juga udah sms supaya skripsi gw dikerjainn!!!! taeeee!! tai banget gw!!!
ya cukup. gw kerjain.

2005-08-12T17:16:00.000+07:00

31 juli 2005 adalah hari bersejarah. buat gw. sebelumnya gw warning buat lo semua yang some how drop into my blog and read all the stuffs i am strutting here. i dont want this posting to be one that brag about something but please treat it as an expression of life, a celebration of one's happiness of talent. what so ever. gw bingung gimana mau mengungkapkannya juga. anyway, gw cukup senang karena up to this point gw bisa ngerasain bermacam-macam experience. kata orang pengalaman lah yang membuat lo kuat, membuat lo ngerti, dan somehow many people akan rely on you. gw ga ngerti di mana nya tapi gw udah melakukan career jumping yang cukup variatif dalam umur segini. nah ada unsur bragging nya? mudah2 an lo semua hanya menyikapinya sebagai ya...postingan aja.

bermula dari saudara eko yang kerja di tongkrongan gw dan biasalah para pegawai di situ mulai kenal ama kita satu satu dan akhirnya kita mulai kenal satu sama lain. selang berapa lama gw sering nongkrong di 'situ' akhirnya eko mulai speak2 ama gw. ujung2nya adalah 'mau ga lo bikin video klip buat band?'
secara gw hanya pernah bikin video amatir (gw belum berani bilang itu film.heheheh) dan itu baru 2, dan hasilnya juga ga memuaskan. tapi namanya gw juga sebenarnya banyak mikir sebelum ngambil tu proyek, ahirnya gw ambil juga. cuma dengan satu niat. cari tahu bikin video klip apa rasanya.
secara gw kemudian melarikan diri dari jogja untuk alasan pribadi yang sangat mendesak, membereskan sesuatu. ya gitulah. akhirnya gw nyerahin pra produksi ama adek angkat gw, si moko, buat beresin masalah izin, alat, lokasi, dan meeting ma bandnya. anyway, the band called sukandajaya. mereka bilang sih nama itu diambil dr nama perusahaan pembuat es krim yang ada di jalan magelang sono. cuma ejaannya dibedain.

nah, selama gw cabut dr jogja maka gw pun sering kontak2 si moko soal perkembangan proyek ini. so far so good akhirnya gw nyempetin balik ke jogja 2 hari buat shooting video nya.
meski gw ga pernah ketemu ama band nya sendiri dan itu urusan si moko tapi dengan gw nya yang gw rasa emang punya bakat mingle dengan cepat akhirnya pada h-1 sebelum shooting gw bisa menyiapkan diri buat presentasi dengan mereka. rada capek sebenarnya.
gw tarik napas dulu...tiba2 gw ngerasa tulisan gw ini ga manis. ga enak buat dibaca. secara gw sendiri yang nulis, mungkin ini hanya gw bisa rasain sendiri kali. loncat satu spasi ya.

yang pasti kemudian gw mencoba ngeracunin diri dengan lagu dari band ini yang bakal dibikinin video klipnya ama gw. lagunya catchy. such an anthem song. lagu yang gampang dinyanyiin sama crowdnya yang suka ama band ini. bahkan gw aja sampai hapal. yang ga suka mungkin hanya temen2 gw sekantor. mereka bilang cukup. soalnya di laptop gw tiap hari gw muter lagu ini. mencoba mencari ide2 segar untuk shootingnya nanti. gw baca referensi sana sini untuk ngebantu gw nyiapin semuanya. dan semakin hari shooting itu mendekat gw semakin excited. rasanya kayak nembak cewek dan nunggu jawaban dari doi. istilah kata kalo lo diterima maka lo lo bakal bisa ngelakuinnya dengan lancar. and the other way around.
gw pun mulai banyak nonton video klip2 band sejenis di MTV. hohoho. secara dari kecil banget makanan gw emang MTV gw jadi punya banyak persediaan fantasi (menurut istilah gw) untuk bikin konsep video klipnya.
ah sial. sebenarnya gw pengen ngegambarin betapa excitednya gw akan semua proses ini ke lo yang baca, tapi kok ga bisa ya. sorry dude. ada kesenangan-kesenangan yang kayaknya emang hanya bisa lo rasain sendiri ya.anjing, gw jadi kesel sendiri hahahahhaa.

hari H.
rencana emang tinggal rencana. saat gw udah semangat untuk mulai take jam 7, dan perkiraan gw barang2 dan alat2 udah siap jam segitu ternyata molor ampe jam 8an. alat2 datangnya satu2 dan lokasi masih harus diset lagi. buat gw yang well...agak2 perfectionist persiapan yang telat ini akhirnya gw jalanin dengan lapang dada. orang ga bisa dipaksa brur. setelah dilihat2 lagi kru gw jalannya pelan banget, dibanding ama bandnya yang ternyata lebih well prepared. sebentar, apa lo tiba2 ngerasa kalo gw jadi ga puas dan banyak menuntut? apa sutradara2 lain di luar sana ngerasain hal yang sama dengan gw? misalnya team lo yang lo harapin bekerja dengan baik ternyata lamban. ah sudahlah. maaf. gw jadi cerewet. mudah2an bukan cuma gw sutradara di muka bumi ini yang cerewet begini. huahahahahahhhaa.
kru gw juga datangnya satu2. inilah susahnya kerja ga dibayar, dan yang bisa lo dapatin adalah segenggam pengalaman yang ga bisa dibeli dengan uang. kerjaan yang bisa lo jabanin dengan semangat yang menggebu2 dan keinginan untuk melihat semua ide2 gila lo jadi kenyataan.

set dibangun. alat2 datang. semua diset di lokasi. total jenderal akhirnya kita siap take pertama hari itu jam 10.30. oh my God. telat sekali. dan matahari pun mulai siap2 bikin kesel. catatan tambahan, buat lo sutradara2 muda di luar sana, siapin payung saat lo shooting dibawah panas. gw lupa barang satu ini. kemudian-kemudian...saat semua udah siap take dan gw udah semangat. ada masalah lagi. speaker yang gw bawa ga cukup kenceng buat jadi play back. kacau man, kacau..
gw pusing. untunglah team dari band bisa nyiapin ampli yang lebih gede buat play back. ternyata band yang sedang pura2 main kudu bisa ngedenger lagu mereka sendiri supaya mereka bisa nyesuain rythm. kurang pas dikit yang jadi adalah kejomplanganism. hehehhe.
inilah sialnya, sekali lagi...gw pengen ngegambarin fun nya hari shooting itu. tapi gw jadi males. nulis yang panjang2 bikin gerah juga bung.
yang jelas, hari itu band yang gw ambil gambarnya bawa crowd yang banyak buat figuran. jadi konsep gw bisa kesampaian. senang juga. karena gw sempat pesimis. apalagi pas h-1, notabene pas gw meeting terakhir ama band nya mereka malah ngga bisa membawa model nya ke gw. tau begitu akhirnya gw tawarin konsep 'terbiasa' dari video klip mereka. tapi pas hari shooting si model yang chubby dan manis itu datang. anaknya lucu. cantik. bukannya gw naksir, tapi dia punya talent buat jadi model. asal dia mau berusaha dikit dan berani malu.

jadi konsep yang gw pengen jadiin itu sebenarnya begini. standar aja sih. band yang sedang main, ada yang nonton, dan ada extreme sports di sekitarnya. emang ga perfect banget dan sesuai dengan bayangan gw sih. tapi 80% udah dapetlah. gw udah lumayan senang.
ngga banyak kesulitan yang gw dapat karena bandnya, crowdnya, anak buah gw semua bisa ngerti arahan gw. dan hari itu akhirnya selesai jam 3 sore. entah kenapa pas banget, karena perkiraan gw sendiri juga ga bakal lebih dari jam 3.karena matahari udah mulai males2an sebenarnya. dan yang gw butuhin adalah sinar yang banyak.
setelah ngebantu band dan team gw buat nyelesein beres2, gw cabut lagi dr jogja dengan pesawat jam 7. capek. but it was a hell of fun. dan laptop kesayangan gw jadi korban. jack buat speakernya memble karena dipaksain pake sambungan ke ampli nan segede gaban itu. sekarang gw musti melakukan penyesuaian tiap kali membutuhkan suara keluar dari speakernya. darn it.
di pesawat gw akhirnya cuma bisa memble sambil ngelihat foto2 pas shooting. mudah2an lo semua bisa ngerasa fun yang gw rasakan saat shooting lewat2 foto2 ini...gegege, amatiran gitu...kalo udah di major label mungkin foto2 kayak gini ga boleh beredar ya.
ya, hari ini kita bungkus!!

2005-08-12T17:12:00.000+07:00

posting ini gw dedikasikan buat nyokap.
tahun ini nyokap gw genap sepuluh tahun meninggal.
kepergian nyokap adalah kehilangan besar dan tak terkatakan buat gw.
to quote the saying 'kalo gw bisa mengulang waktu dan membawanya kembali.'
sayang gw ga bisa.
mungkin akhirnya gw bisa berkata kalau gw rela,
tapi ada saat di mana gw berpikir:
'kalo nyokap masih ada, bagaimana jadinya?'
dulu gw marah sama Tuhan karena nyokap gw diambil sama dia.
sekarang gw agak sadar bahwa ga ada gunanya marah sama Tuhan.
Tuhan tidak memberikan jawaban bahkan tidak menggubris kemarahan gw.
Tuhan menjawab semua kepedihan dengan waktu.
kepedihan berlalu seiring dengan berjalannya waktu. sekarang gw setuju itu.
gw (dulu) selalu berpikir bahwa saat nyokap ngga di samping gw maka gw ngga bisa bangkit.
so be it, gw bener-bener kehilangan arah dan ngga bisa bangkit.
ngga bisa dengan bangga menyatakan siapa diri gw sebenarnya.
gw butuh tenaga extra untuk menyatakan siapa diri gw sebenarnya.
gw sibuk bertanya pada Tuhan.
'Tuhan kenapa?'
Tuhan anteng dan tetap diam. dan waktu berlalu.
sedikit demi sedikit jawaban itu kelihatan dan bisa gw mengerti walau kabur.
Tuhan bilang:
'kamu tidak usah khawatir akan apapun. semua memang pahit. tapi waktu akan membuat kamu melewatinya. dan cara kamu melewatinya itu tergantung kamu. kebijaksanaan dirimu akan terus berkembang seiring waktu. kalau kamu bisa menerima kehilangan ini, walau pahit dan tak enak-itulah hidup, maka hanya ada satu hal yang bisa kamu lakukan: berjalan terus. ingatlah dengan impianmu, bertahanlah hidup, cari jalan menuju impian itu.'
Tuhan bilang bahwa nyokap gw diambil (mungkin) supaya gw bisa berjalan sendiri, karena kalo nyokap masih ada maka gw tidak akan bisa mengambil keputusan sendiri. tapi bagaimana dengan adik-adik gw yang ditinggalkan nyokap.
Tuhan bilang:
'rangkulah adik-adikmu, jagalah mereka, mereka butuh cinta yang besar darimu.'

maka dalam perjalanan gw sampai di sini begitu banyak helaan napas yang gw ambil. untuk menyerapi kerasnya perjuangan ini. mengerti betapa berat alasan gw untuk tetap berjuang,tetap hidup, bertahan.

Tuhan, gw mengerti.
tapi sampai di sini pun semua masih amat berat.

2005-07-22T23:57:00.000+07:00

beginilah laporan seorang teman yang sedang mengikuti Kuliah Kerja Nyata secara nama populernya KKN. ini hari ke 4 dia di sana, dan hal yang paling jelas yang mereka rutin lakukan adalah makan. makan. dan makan. dari beberapa teman yang lain, KKN memang merupakan program penggemukan terkendali yang dirancang oleh Kampus dan bekerja sama dengan masyarakat sekitar dengan kedok KKN. hehehe. wel, mungkin itu bukan inti dari KKN sendiri, tapi secara KKN sendiri ternyata tidak sesibuk yang dibayangkan ya memang KKn itu sendiri menggemukan. secara teoritis, mahasiswa yang ngikutin KKN itu bak manusia pintar yang disambut manusia berintelektualitas rendah yang kebetulan tinggal di pedesaan. sampe sekarang, teori menara air (bener?) masih jalan. bila yang namanya mahasiswa masuk kampung dan beredar untuk beberapa lama kemudian ngelakuin program-program yang katanya adalah aktualisasi ilmu yang mereka dapat selama ini, maka masyarakat sekitar cenderung memperlakukan mereka seperti dewi padi (mungkin yang ini terlalu berlebihan.hehehe) yang muncul di kampung dan memberikan berkahnya.zaman udah berubah sih nek (seorang teman ketularan bencong sebelah, jadi ngomongnya begini...), dulu mahasiswa punya kesempatan untuk menjadi belagu karena datang dari kota dan berkesempatan untuk mengecap sedikit ilmu kemudian menjadi belagu. lalu pas ada di desa dia menjadi semakin belagu karena well...dia punya sesuatu yang orang laen ngga punya. dari zaman bokap gw yang dulu KKn di tempat hampir antah berantah (ane sempet aja ngeliat lokasinya, lewat foto-foto...buat jamban, buat jembatan, deket sungai...dohhh. hari gini bikin jembatan, urusan pemerintah nooo). ada sih beberapa temen yang keliatan banget belagunya karena status dia adalah mahasiswa KKN. ngga penting sekali.teman yang satu ini sendiri, katanya, merasa terjebak dengan KKn yang doski ikutin. cuma 3 sks. tapi bobotnya begitu berat secara dia harus tinggal di lokasi 1 bulan. pengorbanan mental dan fisik itu cuma dibayar dengan bobot 3 sks. di mana keadilan di dunia pendidikan nasional. hehhehehehehehe.tapi beneran. kalo KKN cuma dibobot-in 3 sks ngga seimbang sekali. secara target KKN adalah aktualisasi diri mahasiswa dan so called ilmu yang dia dapet mbok ya bobot KKN itu naek jadi 6 sks. sebanding tuh. penderitaan KKN tidak bisa dibalas dengan 3 sks karena cobaan dan tantangan yang dihadapi lamanya berbulan-bulan. akal-akalannya kampus banget. bayangin, yang tertera di nota pembayaran kuliah lo orang cuma bayar 3 sks buat KKN (secara dia anak angkatan 2000 dan sks masih dihargai 30 ribu per sks). itu yang resmi, yang ngga resminya bakal banyak banget. mending itu mahasiswa anaknya koruptor yang duitnya banyak, trus dia nya royal ama temen, jadi temen2 kelompok yang laen ga pernah ngerasain kesusahan yang aneh2 saat KKN.kalo misalnya temen2 KKN lo semuanya pada pukil sama aja brur. KKN menderita. terima kasihlah pada masyarakat sekitar yang sudah bekerja sama dengan kampus dalam program penggemukan berkedok KKN itu. hahahhaa.balik lagi ke kehidupan sehari-hari temen gw yang satu ini. secara dia adalah anak aktif, temen gw ini ngaku kalo dia berasa dongo dengan ritme desa yang sangat pelan dan bahkan masyarakatnya hampir tak terlihat saat beraktivitas (bukannya mereka hantu). menurut dia seminggu pertama kelompok KKN nya ada di sana, dia betul2 ngerasain yang namanya liburan.secara dia adalah anak semester akhir dan kuliahnya juga udah kelar, dia ngaku kalo seminggu pertama di lokasi dia ngerasa yang namanya liburan itu begitu. judulnya emang liburan yang disamarkan dalam konsep KKN dengan proyek diet yang jelas-jelas berfungsi untuk menggemukan diri.secara KKN itu juga punya misi khusus, teman gw ini juga (dan kelompoknya) sudah salah menafsirkan misi dari KKN angkatan mereka. secara KKn mereka bertema 'pertanian' sementara program2 yang mereka hendak jalankan hanya menyentuh 0,10 % dari tema yang diajukan. namun teman gw ini dan kelompoknya akhirnya memutuskan untuk cuek dan jalan terus dengan program yang mereka adakan.

sedang arisan di rumah bu dukuh

ayam aneh di rumah penduduk...

bu dukuh tercinta sedang prepare buat arisan

gadis2 kelompok 18

latihan poco-poco

nampan hadiah arisan bersama ibu-ibu....

sampai hari ke 7, seminggu sudah teman gw di lokasi KKNnya.

seminggu ini teman gw ngerasa kalo dia balik ke kota bahkan pacarnya ngga bakal ngenalin dia lagi. secara dia bakal tambah bulet karena makanan sangat berlimpah, secara dia anak kos yang makannya sangat susah dan kalo akhir bulan bakal menambah daftar utang. temen gw ngaku kalo induk semang dia sangat royal dengan makanan dan selalu memberikan jamuan apapun bentuknya. induk semang yang sangat ramah dan terbuka. sebenarnya temen gw itu senang dengan kenyataan bahwa mereka tidak perlu kuatir soal gizi, tapi dengan menu makan yang bisa sampai 8 kali sehari maka butuh kontrol diri yang begitu kuat untuk bisa mempertahankan berat badan. makanan wajib memang 3 kali sehari, tapi penganan yang ada jalan terus. temen gw ngaku kalo di manapun dia bertamu maka siap-siaplah untuk menyisihkan sedikit bagian lambung buat makan. mending kalo makananya bisa lo makan, istilahnya pasti masuk, kalo ngga gimana? dari first look aja udah ngga nyenengin gimana mau dimakan? tapi itulah yang temen gw hadapi. kalo KKN bisa selamanya sambil kuliah mungkin dia males jadi anak Kos. secara anak kos susah sekali mengendalikan pengeluaran.
selama seminggu di lokasi temen gw juga bilang kalo dia jadi terbiasa dengan ritme hidup yang pelan dan musti berhenti di jam sepuluh malam, di mana motor dan suara keramaian sudah tak bisa ditemukan lagi, beda dengan saat tinggal di pusat keramaian. jam 6 saja, penglihatan sudah terbatas apalagi lampu penerangan, dan secara penerangan juga termasuk program KKNnya dia. seminggu di lokasi dan tidak melihat keramaian membuat temen gw dan temen2nya dia merasa harus memakai semua jatah keluar lokasi yang disediakan.temen gw ingat pas dia dan temennya balik lagi ke kota untuk ngontak pembicara yang bakal bicara di penyuluhan yang mereka adakan, temen gw ini dan temennya harus berhenti sesaat di sebuah Mall terkenal dan memuaskan hasrat untuk melihat mall itu, bahkan mereka berasa gitting hanya dengan mencium aroma AC yang keluar dari mall itu dengan kuat sekali. segitunya kah? anak kota yang hidupnya tidak lepas dr Mall sudah addict dengan Mall bahkan hanya dengan mencium aromanya saja.tapi temen gw bilang emang segitunya lah. apalagi pas temen gw bisa nyentuh warnet lagu untuk pertama kali setelah satu minggu.dia mulai sibuk dengan friendster dan mailnya. dan bila jatah keluar lokasi masih mengekang maka biasanya temen gw ini sering curi2 untuk jalan ke lokasi KKn lain yang tidak begitu dekat dan mengunjungi teman2 yang ada di sana. sejauh ini temen gw itu bilang kalo jatah keluar lokasi yang ada buat peserta KKn sudah hampir habis dan dia bingung apa yang harus dia lakukan kalo jatah itu habis, berarti dia memang harus nunggu sampai KKN benar-benar usai dan akhirnya dia bisa melihat peradaban lagi.bahkan temen gw juga bilang bahwa dia ngerasa seneng banget saat bisa merasakan berhenti di lampu merah jogja yang panas, melihat mobil yang seliweran dan dengan bangga berkata dalam hatinya bahwa 'dia terlahir untuk keramaian seperti ini.' ahh...

beberapa catatan tambahan:

1. temen gw ini dan kelompoknya mulai diserang flu dan nyeri otot tanda akan terkena demam atau panas.

2. mereka semakin sibuk karena tanggal-tanggal dan hari yang ada dirasakan penuh program

3. kepala dukuh desa mereka tinggal mulai kelihatan kulit aslinya, yang mana ternyata cukup menyebalkan dan membuat repot apalagi dengan tuntutannya yang begitu banyak. temen gw hampir meledak dan bilang 'emang kita gudang uang???'

4. uang adalah isu penting. temen gw ini dan kelompoknya mulai kehabisan uang dan mereka ngerasa perlu saweran lagi untuk ngejalanin program mereka

5. entah kenapa, tapi KKN yang cuma 3 sks dan penderitaannya cukup lama ini justru hal yang tidak bisa dihilangkan gitu aja dari masa perkuliahan. kuliah lo belum afdol klo belum KKN. bisa aja lo malah ketemu calon lo masing2 pas KKN itu. bener?

6. temen gw ngerasa dongo karena 60 persen harinya hanya malas-malasan, apalagi misalnya ngga ada program yang perlu dijalankan. menurut teman gw 'gw berasa dongo.'

7. temen gw ini pengen ngegaplok beberapa temen sekelompoknya karena begitu dominan dan keras kepala, berasa tau segalanya dan susah dibilangin

8. perpecahan mulai muncul di kelompok temen gw karena intrik yang muncul di sana sini, individu yang mulai menyebalkan dan mulai menunjukan karakter dominasi di sana sini.

9.temen gw dibilangin gosong dan perlu mandi susu saat sempet pulang ke kota, rambutnya udah kayak sapu dengan adonan minyak dan debu, wajahnya perlu dipeeling (oh yeahhh) sampe kelihatan warna aslinya...

2005-07-09T14:10:00.000+07:00

ini week end yang menyebalkan. well, kalo lo semua perhatiin posting2 gw, kayaknya semua week end gw itu menyebalkan ya. kapan senangnya jadi manusia kaya gini. semua hal bisa bikin lo merana, mikir, ga karuan, ga jelas mau ngapain. kalo udah gini, enak banget jadi individu yang selalu punya plan. jadi individu yang selalu sibuk. hehehehehehehe.

kok tiba-tiba gw ketawa. ada mahluk lucu yang selama ini gw kecengin, dan biasanya ngenet di warnet sebelah barat, tiba-tiba brojol di warnet timur ini. udah lama ga ketemu. hmmm. sayang dia udah ada yang punya ye brur. set dah wangi parfum die ampe sini brur. wanginya enak juga sih. ada aroma citrus dan aqua. kira-kira mereknya ape ye. bah dia mah mahluk gaul, super gaul malah, tongkrongannya club paling bonafid di jogja (gw tau karena sering ketemu die juga kalo sempat banget clubbing), dan well...gw penasaran sih kerjaan die ape. dan die masuklah tipe2 gw gitu...saya mau kirim salam untuk mbak melly terimut di luar sana yang mengerti banget tipe gw kayak ape. menurut dia sih, tipe gw ya yang bony banget.huhuhuhu. doh jadi malah ngebahas die. well, karena dia keburu masuk di postingan ini gw kaitin aje kali ye.

kalo diliat-liat juge si, die tuh tipe yang jdwal hidupnya juga kagak jelas. ya kyak gw dikit lah. sering ke warnet. jam-jam kerja begitu ke warnet berarti die kagak kerja kan? apa gw aja yang ga tau kalo kerjaan die ga kudu di kantor ye. hehehe. kalo diliat-liat sih die ame gw same aje.yang kalo sendirian bingung dan pelariannye terbatas banget gitu. oi bung, lo malam minggu nan garing ini mo kemane. bingung ye, jogja tuh selebar daun kelor doang, searian attractionnye abis lo jabanin. kagak kayak jakarte yang meski bikin lo jengah dengan polusinye tapi tu kota ampe yang kecil2nye bikin lo penasaran, memberikan hiburan dengan gayenye sendiri gitu.

ahhh. emang kudu sih kayaknye ye, gw di masa depan nanti memikirkan karir yang tetep bisa gw kerjain pas ujung minggu. biar ga basi begini dah. kalo dipikir-pikir lagi si, apa yang gw lakuin sekarang, hobby gw, profesi gw, kayaknye emang bise gw lanjutin lagi tuh buat kedepannye. tapi gw bingung brur. pan jurusan yg ane ambil beda tu ame kerjaan gw sekarang, kagak ada sangkut pautnye blas. bingung gw. gw sih kepikirannye mau ambil sekolah lagi nyang cocok gitu ame kerjaan gw sekarang. tapi kalo mikirin waktu dan biayanye, gw malah cenderung untuk otodidaktif ngelakuin semuenye. pake insting gw aje gitu. pan banyak di luar sono orang-orang yang ga kudu sekolah sesuatu yang berhubungan dengan interestnye die buat jadi ape yang die mau. banyak jalan menuju roma gitu cing.

nah terkait dengan profesi gw tuh akhirnye gw iyain juga tawaran seorang temen buat ngegarap video klip band temannye die. wah ...ini sih baru banget buat gw. secara gw biasanya bikin film amatir, itupun gw masih belajar dan harus terus improve sana sini biar jadinye bagus, ya at least enak dan mengerti ditonton dah. baru 2 kali bikin film amatir nan kaco begitu tiba2 gw dapet ajakan buat bikin video klip. band yang ngajak sih lumayanlah. maksud gw, mereka mainin sesuatu yang emang banyak dimainin skarang ame anak-anak musik. pop punk. kayak BLINk182 gitu dah. nah, band ini nih udah punya 1 hits yang wara wiri radio jogja, jadi lumayanlah mungkin dengan ada nya video klip mereka bisa narik peminat yang lebih banyak akan musik yang mereka mainin.

gw udah ngajak adik gw, si moko, buat jadi asisten gw selama proses produksi. si moko ini adek kelas gw di kampus. secara die udah ikut 2 produksi film gw, gw ngerti die gimane dan die juga kayaknya ngerti cara kerja dan style gw kayak ape. ya ude percaya deh gw ame kinerjanye die. dan secara gw bakal KKN ke tempat yang cukup jauh, gw rencanenye mau ngasih tuh proyek ke die buat dia handle selame gw kagak ade. bukan seluruhnye sih. ide-ide dan story line udah gw beresin ame die kemaren. die bakal jadi orang yang ngurusin detail ampe hari shooting. gw udah ga sabaran mau presentasiin cerita video ini ke anak-anak band itu.

malam ini gw juga mau tongkrongin tuh band main di lembah UGM. mereka pan ngisi acare di UGM, gw lupe acarenye ape. tapi ada shaggy dog nye gitu. pasti rame deh, hidup sayidan...hehehe. ape lagi ye.oiye, band ini rada lucu sih namenye. name band nye diambil dari perusahaan yang ngebikin es krim gitu, cume ejaannye aje yang dirubah. kreatif sih.

ya mudah2an lah proyek ini lancar ye brur, supaye gw juga bise nambahin 'sutradara video klip' ke port folio gw, hueheueueue.

btw, gw lagi kangen ame seseorang nih. susah ye, menyukai seseorang yang ngga mau dimilikin. bingung? selamet deh, biar gw simpen sendiri aje. kalo yang beginian males gw nyeritainnye ke lo brur. tapi mudah2an dengan ditulis gw juga bisa lega dikit.

ya udah ah. gw mau makan dulu ne. lo pade ngapain week end ga jelas binti nanggung gini?

gw tadi malam ke prambanan coy, ame temen2 KKN gw gitu. buset dah. ini aja gw baru bangun. beberapa jam mobile ngejual pakaian bekas yang akhirnya diobral dengan tag seribu sebiji itu juga ade ibu2 yang nawarnye kejam binti pengen digampar. masa ngambil 14 baju bayarnye 7500.aturan pan sebiji seribu, itu udah yang paling murah. susah dah. mane gw tuh bawa baju-baju gw yang waktu dibeli hargenye lumayan mahal deh, sekalinye dijual tadi pagi hargenye jadi seribu almost gopek gw kaget. ahhh. dunie dunie....

edun edun. udah ah ye, cerita begini kagak ada kelarnye.doain ye, weekend gw bise asik.

2005-07-04T23:00:00.000+07:00

premisenya:
aku bukan tipe petualang cinta. aku tidak mencari cinta sejati. mungkin cinta itu, affection itu hanya ada di sudut ruangan, secara bahasa inggris itu artinya adalah love is just around the corner. lo juga bukan yang desperate akan cinta.tidak pernah ada usaha yang begitu keras lo lakukan untuk menemukan that so called love. lo memandang sinis akan orang-orang yang begitu menginginkan kisah cinta yang manis.dan lo biasanya menghabiskan malam sendriian, kalo tidakpun pasti ada usaha dari lo untuk membunuh sepi. apakah itu dengan nongkrong saban malam di coffee shop langganan, ngalor ngidul ngga jelas dengan topik2 yang membahas umurmu yang hampir so called dewasa dan problematikanya, mu...sebagai manusia.lo berusaha membunuh sepi, dan terlewatilah malam-malam sepi tak berpenghuni dengan topik2 yang malam-malam berikutnya akan lo ulang, lo ulang lagi, dan menjadi kisah biasa dari seorang Lo yang akan menjadi dewasa beberapa tahun lagi, dan kisah itu menjadi akar dan awal dari sebuah so called persahabatan sejati. dan sekali lagi, lo lupa akan efforts yang membuat lo desperate akan cinta, kasih, whatever that is.dan buat lo...ahhh...apalah cinta itu, nanti-nantilah...agenda hidup lo masih buat karir, kuliah, dan kerja...kerja dan karir sama ya (diralat).
nah tersebutlah suatu malam jahanam, tepatnya siang biadab, di mana seorang...sebuah jiwa, yang datang dengan senyum, dan entah kenapa pada siang sepanas itu dia masih berniat untuk mencari lokasi lo..alamat, padahal lo udah tertidur pulas dan tak pernah berpikir, terlintas dia akan datang. dia menantang lo untuk have the day spent naked and humped. meaning sex.great had job. and anything.
saat semua nya selesai lo berdua kamar itu terlalu panas buat sex di tengah hari.dan yang lo bisa ingat adalah no one ever did you that good, darn it. shoot. dan dengan penuh kesadaran dia bilang...maaf aku 'keluar' terlalu cepat...whatever that is. dan dia pergi tanpa pernah menyebut nama asli, hanya sebuah nama panggilan yang katanya adalah nama umum orang memanggil dirinya.so strange.
karena sex itu lo kemudian well berharap, kalian bertemu lagi...dan akankah dia share his number so that both of you can contact each other some of the times. ponsel lo rusak dan dia menjanjikan akan mengirim pesan dengan 2 digit terakhir adalah 04. so mysterious.
2 minggu tiga minggu, bagaikan terkena sampar lo mencari si misterius. dan pada hari yang sama hampir 3 minggu berikutnya, lo hanya mengikutin insting lo lagi bahwa dia ada di sebuah tempat dan lo hanya perlu kesana, mengesampingkan kelaparan yang menantang dan matahari siang yang membakar.
kalian bertemu lagi, dengan keterkejutan pada masing2 wajah kalian.
malam itu dia datang lagi.saat isa lewat dan matahari tak begitu panas dia datang. bicara, bicara, bicara, dan dia mulai menciummu...lagi...lagi dan lagi, dan malam hanya bisu saat kalian bergumul lagi.
lo cuma tau lo menikmati semua itu. tak ada yang perlu ditakuti. dia sendiri, lo sendiri dan semua itu berjalan begitu natural. seperti grafik yang turun dan perhalan naik, seperti itulah gairah yang lo rasain di dada. malam tak begitu panas dan semua lembar sudah terlucuti,bibirmu, bibirnya berpadu. tak ada hal lain yang kalian inginkan selain menyelesaikan semuanya.
semua berakhir, malam merambat, dan dia pergi. hari akan mulai dan dia harus bergegas. lo terikat dengannya, lo ingin bertemu dengannya lagi lagi.lagi.
apakah ini cinta yang tidak lo cari, dia hanya ada di sudut situ, dan saat dia datang, dia datang dengan pecutan gairah seperti ini? kalian memulai sesuatu dengan intimasi.
salahkan siapa saat intimasi mudah terjadi, saat lo berdua menginginkannya dan tidak ada yang bisa menggugat lagi?
dan kini lo harus berjalan kemana?
dia tak ingin semua yang terjadi terlalu dianggap serius. apakah intimasi sudah kehilangan makna tersendiri dalam masa sekarang, apakah perkelaminan menjadi begitu hambar layaknya mainan sesaat dan saat gairah memuncak yang ada hanyalah permainan yang harus diselesaikan? kemana larinya semua gairah? perasaan bersama yang membara?
lalu intimasi itu hilang karena dia menanggap intimasi hanyalah kelokan jalan sebelum dirinya betul2 ingin terikat.kau bertatapan dan berintimasi dengan seorang petualang. kau adalah kelokan di sebuah jalan panjang baginya.
all the meeting, all that sex...

*terima kasih buat seseorang di luar sana.

2005-07-01T15:11:00.000+07:00

Seminggu yang lalu bintang melahirkan anak pertamanya. Bintang adalah nama temen gw, cewek, yang menikah pada umur sangat muda. Terlepas dari nilai budaya lokal dan ikatannya yang sangat menyiksa, mendesak, mengikat atau apapun itu gw berharap bintang menemukan apa yang dia cari selama ini.
Sebenarnya buat apa menunggu lama, bila lo udah yakin dengan apa yang ada di depan mata lo. Kalo lo emang udah yakin bakal spend the rest of your life looking at the same person tiap kali lo bangun. Bukannya mencoba mengancam atau membuat takut. Tapi ada some people out there yang menyukai ide ini.
Mungkin bintang lelah mencari. Mungkin gw masih pengen mencari, mungkin gw begitu menikmati pencarian gw. Sudahlah. Ada banyak jalan menuju roma. In the end, you will end with some one. Dan habislah sudah malam-malam sunyi itu. Mungkin di situ lah the core of marriage. Pertanyaan dengan siapa harus lo habiskan malam sunyi lo tidak akan tertulis lagi. Buat gw pertanyaan itu masih beredar. Malam-malam masih saja sunyi.
In the end, you will end with someone.
Gw belum menjenguk bintang. Berasa ga enak juga. Secara gw dan bintang sangat dekat. Sorry ya tang, gw belum sempat kesana, gw bakal kesana kok sebelum berangkat ke bantul. Tenang aja. Gw bakal ngeliat anak lo yang katanya mungil banget itu. Hehehe. Gw denger dari si amel. Anaknya si bintang laki-laki. Kata temen gw namanya ribet banget. Kebiasaan orang jawa kali. Mau ngasih nama anak musti hati-hati. Supaya ga keberatan nama. Katanya kalo keberatan nama bisa sakit. Karena ga cocok lah. Apa lah. Dan kata temen gw lagi namanya memang begitu sulit. Penuh arti. Nama memang ga cuman nama. Jadi salah satu kutipan sastra barat yang mempertanyakan sebuah nama bisa jadi enak untuk diperdebatkan. Apalah sebuah nama. Ngga bisa gitu. Karena nama seseorang mengandung definisi dan harapan orang tua akan si anak.
Nama gw kayaknya Cuma mengandung selentingan dari bulan lahir gw doang. Secara gw bukan orang jawa jadi soal nama juga akhirnya menjadi terkait dengan ungkapan sastra barat tadi. Apalah sebuah nama. Kasusnya beda dengan orang jawa.
Secara ini adalah anak pertama bintang, dan bintang masih sangat muda, gw penasaran bagaimana perjuangan bintang dan kiki (suaminya) merawat anak mereka. Kalau saja, kalau, bintang belum menikah, gw bisa pastiin bahwa bintang bisa jadi adalah salah satu temen berpesta gw yang setia. Lo tau lah perasaan kalau lo masih muda dan musik di luar sana begitu menarik untuk didengarkan dan dinikmati bersama teman-teman lo yang super asik dan gaul. Sekarang bintang punya anak, pastinya masa-masa berpesta itu sudah lewat. Everything would be about your kid. Dan waktu malam lo udah berakhir jam 9 atau 10 malam. Karena seharian si kecil menyita perhatian.
Gw inget sama my late mom pas adik gw yang bontot, si fanny, baru lahir. Anak kecil emang banyak maunya, ini itu, ngga jelas, karena secara vokal mereka masih basi (ngga bisa ngomong brur),begitu banyak yang mereka inginkan dari rengekan nya. Tapi dasarnya anak adalah harta titipan Tuhan makanya semua orang tua di bumi ini pasti mengutamakan anak mereka dibanding rasa letih dan sakit yang mereka rasakan. Walaupun, di tengah jalan pasti ada perubahan rencana oleh so called life. Yang kadang menyakitkan. Adik gw fanny itu, tidak pernah tahu Ibu kandungnya seperti apa. Sigh. Mulai dari situ hidup gw jadi berasa berat man. Hidup ini penuh chapter dan pola yang ngga gw mengerti apa maunya. Gw hanya bisa jalanin. Sempat gw merasa capek juga dan polanya yang menyesakan tapi keinginan gw untuk melihat seperti apa dunia di masa depan dengan segala kebusukan dan keindahannya membuat gw sekarang di sini.
Anak lo merubah semuanya dalam hidup lo. Gw juga ga tau apa rasanya, bagaimana kalo gw punya anak. Apa anak gw mukanya bakal mirip gw yang jelek ini, berbagi kecintaan gw terhadap dunia film, bakal suka menulis juga, bakal suka nongkrong juga, bakal pendek juga kayak gw. Tuh wanita, itulah gw, dengan segininya gw apa ada lo yang di luar sana mau melahirkan anak gw. Damn. Di mana kah lo? Lo yang gw tulis di sini?
Gw udah pengalaman menjaga dan merawat 3 anak kecil. Fanny, dan adik2 tiri gw-ella, abel.jadi gw sebenarnya udah siap jadi bokap. Cuma kayaknya belum bisa banget krn gw belum punya pekerjaan tetap. Jadi gw Cuma bisa menahan niat hati untuk menikah brur. Jaman orang tua dulu, pria 21an aja udah mau kawin. Istri itu hiburan layaknya. Saat malam gelap dan listrik ga ada, tivi ga ada, coffeeshops ga ada, hanya ada lampu teplok istrilah barangkali pelipur lara dan letih kami kaum pria.mungkin itu jugalah yang membuat orang2 dulu anaknya banyak. Tiap malam bercumbu, bercinta, wah. Capek pastinya.
Gw bingung tang mau nulis apa lagi. Sebenarnya gw mau mendedikasikan tulisan ini buat lo. Mudah2an lo ga repot menangani si kecil. Gw tau kita masih muda dan kayaknya hidup ini menjadi begitu cepat berlari sampai-sampai kita ada di titik yang ngga kita mengerti dengan semua pertanyaan kita akan masa depan. Gw berharap kita bisa bertemu lagi di kampus. Memang sih pikiran lo sudah ada yang mengambilnya, anak kecil itu. Siapa namanya kah? Ntar kenalin gw kalo gw kesana ya. Ngga berasa gw jadi om. Uhuhuhu. Anak lo ada lah perayaan hidup terbesar lo dan kiki. Mudah2an dia menjadi harta seluruh keluarga, seperti halnya gw menyayangi adik2 gw. Mudah2an kita masih diberi kesempatan untuk menerima harta kehidupan lainnya ya tang.
Gw agak takut kalo kita masih menganggap hidup ini Cuma arena permainan dan ngga bisa serius. Sesantai dan segila apapun Ozzy osbourne tetep aja dia serius kalo soal keluarga. Siang-siang begini apa yang lo kerjain tang? Si kecil udah mimik? Udah tidur lagi?

Gw ngelihat keluar jendela dan menyaksikan langit biru luas yang panas di luar sana. Menarik napas. Tuhan gw terjebak.

2005-06-22T10:59:00.000+07:00

hari minggu kemarin, kemarin ini, aku menyempatkan diri untuk nonton MTV movie awards. buat para pembaca blog saya di luar sana, perlu anda ketahui bahwa TV dan MTv adalah 2 racun utama yang perlu anda suntikan ke tubuh dan mata saya untuk membuat saya dengan cepat terlihat clueless dan tak punya semangat hidup. pendeknya, hanya duduk di depan Tv dan nonton MTv maka serasa puaslah hidup ini. jadi males banget untuk pindah sana-sini.udah pewe dah.tapi saya ngga bakal nyeritain tentang MTV movie awardsnya, well..banyak cerita dari event itu sendiri sebenarnya. di samping kenyataan bahwa Cruise emang kencan sama Holmes dan bagaimana kemaren itu, 2 hari yg lalu, si Cruise melamar Holmes. sebagai seorang wanita, kayaknya ga ada yg bakal nolak. dari sebuah blog yang saya selalu baca, karena emang sumpah lucu abis. selama ini si Cruise hanya menggunakan perempuan sebagai atau untuk kepentingan publisitas. katanya sih, dia tidak suka perempuan. you know, he's somehwat a fag. karena itulah miss kidman yang cantik itu menceraikan beliau. dengan umurnya yang cukup tua dan hubungan yang tidak jelas juntrungannya di samping gosip yang menyatakan bahwa beliau adalah gay. which is so funny.cruise emang diambang apa ya, hubungan yang tak menentu. di umurnya yang segitu emang seharusnya si cruise udah punya hubungan yang tetap alias still. dia emang udah harusnya menikah.tapi si kidman ga begitu bodoh kayaknya untuk menghadapi kenyataan bahwa si cruise emang gay. dohh hohohoh. sekali lagi saya ga bakal menceritakan tentang MTv movie awards, sekali lagi dengan tidak melupakan bahwa di movie awards kemaren banyak pencitraan baru dari para celeb, antara lain si Lohan dengan rambut barunya yang pirang dan image Jessica Simpson sebagai movie star. sekarang dia maen di sebuah remake film lama berjudul the wizard of Ozz, eh salah...the duke of hazzard. ceritanya sih jaman dulu masih keren. saya selalu ngikutin. KOk jadi saya. berasa aneh. gw selalu ngikutin gitu. petualangan 2 bersaudara dan keluarganya di texas sana yang tidak kenal takut dengan satu kota tempat mereka tinggal yang super adventurous.dan sekali lagi ini bukan tentang film itu.di MTv movie awards kemaren ada tribute buat sebuah film lama yang judulnya 'the breakfast club.' gw sih belum pernah nonton. tapi dari potongan2 yang diliatin kemaren sih itu film adalah termasuk genre film yang membahas dan menampilkan petualangan some losers di sekolah mereka. the breakfast club ini meng-address sebuah kelompok yang terdiri dari 5 orang yang masing-masing dihukum di sekolah dengan alasan yang berbeda. mereka semua kemudian harus bertemu, ya karena dihukum di ruang yang sama, dan kemudian harus berproses bersama untuk menemukan siapa diri mereka dan apa yang sebenarnya mereka inginkan. gw suka dengan film-film yang bertemakan self finding. bisa lumayan belajar dikitlah. karena jujur aja, gw juga belum bisa menemukan siapa diri gw sebenarnya. the breakfast club menampilkan remaja-remaja yang dilupakan kepentingan dan perasaannya oleh orang-orang di sekitar mereka. baik itu, yang sering kejadian sih, orang tua, teman, dan yang laen-laen.nah di ruang hukuman itulah kemudian anak-anak itu menemukan siapa diri mereka. dalam arti yang laen ya.kadang sih emang, bertemu dengan sesama orang bermasalah kita bisa mengaktualisasikan diri sehingga penemuan diri sendiri itu bisa bener-bener terjadi. di samping kenyataan bahwa pemaen2 film the breakfast club itu udah pada tua, bayangkan dong dulu film itu dibuat saat mereka masih belasan tahun. that was 20 years ago. dan gw belum lahir. tapi film itu menjadi icon. sekali lagi saudara-saudara, bukan film ini yang akan gw bahas. ada sangkut pautnya juga sih. keterikatannya terletak pada tokoh. mereka yang terlupakan. mereka yang perasaannya tidak diperhitungkan sehingga somehow mereka harus manage to do something supaya mereka bisa dilihat orang. sedih juga memikirkan bahwa kita harus mati supaya ada orang di luar sana yang peduli sama kita. ini adalah akibat struktur beton tempat kita tinggal, which is sangat populate banget di abad ini. maksud gw, bahkan tempat kita tinggal-those concrete walls-prevent us from making such a harmonius relationship with other people. aight? manusia menjadi tertutup satu sama lain dan kurang mengenal orang di luar tempat tinggalnya. so individual.bukan hak saya untuk judge sepihak bahwa orang ini adalah A dan orang ini adalah B. tapi kenyataan menunjukan bahwa ada orang di luar sana, yang memang sering tidak diperhitungkan oleh lingkungan. orang-orang seperti inilah yang harus berusaha untuk menunjukan pada dunia bahwa mereka harus diperhitungkan, dianggap, dan dilihat. memang orang-orang sepertinya harus mempertajam rasa supaya mereka sadar bahwa ada orang-orang di luar lingkunga gaul mereka. orang-orang yang bahkan untuk menemukan teman bicara saja susah. teman-teman gw banyak yang terikat pada temannya, teman se-gangnya, the so called gaul and true friends. cynic huh. saat mereka begitu dekat dengan teman-temannya yang dirasa cocok itu mereka tidak mau melihat keluar. sehingga mereka cuma mengenal orang-orang yang seperti itu saja. thats sad.setidaknya ada 1 di antara sepuluh orang, di lingkungan kita, yang cenderung tertutup dan bingung untuk bicara apa pada orang di luar mereka. saat mereka kebingungan itulah, kayaknya dunia di luar mulai menjauhi mereka karena mereka dianggap boring. dalam artian, anak ini menjadi tidak asik karena dia tidak punya bahan. lo harus punya bahan supaya bisa konek dengan dunia. you know the kind of things yang bisa buat lo nyambung sama dunia sekitar. apalah.nah, sodara-sodari (nama band lokal terbaru yang konsepnya agak NAIF dan sebenarnya ga usah NAIF banget, karena mereka malah niruin formatnya NAIF. sebaiknya jangan begitu. kok malah ngomongin band baru. dan gw cuma sebenarnya mengulang apan yang sudah diulas di rollingstone Indonesia), ini adalah cerita saya kali ini. cukup jauh juga ya sampainya. tapi begitulah. ada teman saya, well, kenalan, karena secara yang gw ga kenal dia baik dan kita beda fakultas dan kita ga pernah berinteraksi gw bisa panggil dia kenalan. kita seangkatan sih. but, ya gitulah. beda jurusan jadinya beda dunia.nah, kenalan yang saya satu ini, tiap kali saya bertemu dengan beliau saya selalu lihat beliau itu sendirian mulu. dan tidak punya teman. dan the most funny part tentang hubungan kita adalah, dia selalu menanyakan apakah saya masih berkunjung ke club A. club A adalah salah satu club paling prestisious di kota ini. gw ga tau sih tujuannya apa nanyain itu, cuma saking seringnya dia nanya itu tiap kali kita ketemu dan hampir ga ada topik laen selain itu maka gw kemudian beranalisa lah. ada apa dengan dirinya, ada apa dengan gw yang sering kesana, dan ada apa dengan club itu sehingga hanya pembicaraan itulah yang mengikat hubungan pertemanan kita.kesimpulan gw sejauh ini.1. dia ga punya topik.2. tiap kali gw ke club itu, gw ga pernah ketemu dia, darimana dia tahu gw kesana, dari temennya?3. secara yang dia ngajak gw ngobrol tentang club itu harusnya dia juga pernah kesana dong, dari gayanya ngomong sih dia ga pernah kesana. so?4. gw cukup bangga untuk menyatakan bahwa gw kenal dia, gw lihat bahkan di jurusannya sendiri beliau ini tidak banyak berhubungan dengan teman sejurusannya.5. beliau ini menurut term anak gaul sekarang, bisa dikategorikan sebagai orang tidak penting. dalam artian, tiap kali ketemu orang tidak punya bahan koneksi dalam urusan pembicaraan dan itu membuat dia dicap boring. jujur aja, satu cap itu juga datang dari gw. sorry ya bu, lo emang garing. dan semua yang dia berikan ke gw sebagai lawan bicaranya sejauh ini tidak begitu penting. see? sebuah bahan pembicaraan menjadi berharga karena penyampai dan penerima bahan mengerti bahan yang dimaksud dan bagaimana mengolah bahan itu menjadi obrolan yang asik, seru dan kemudian mengerti bagaimana menghubungkannya ke bahan yang laen. 6. sebenarnya sih dia orangnya terlihat cukup menyenangkan, dia punya sense of humor, tapi karena label tidak pentingnya itu membuat dia begitu membosankan. damn.7. terbukti bahwa untuk menjadi orang yang nyambung, lo harus banyak tau tentang banyak hal dan mengerti bagaimana menyalurkan pengetahuan itu. karena sebenarnya kalo lo salah cara menyalurkannya maka sekali lagi lo menjadi boring. mungkin itu yang disebut orang gaul. orang gaul itu tahu banyak hal dan dia ngerti bagaimana menyalurkan pengetahuannya yang banyak itu. ya ngga?8. maafkan gw karena melakukan analisis ini. to be honest, pertanyaan yang sama tiap kali gw ketemu ibu itu membuat gw agak kasihan dengan beliau. its very vivid kalo dia tidak bisa menyalurkan hasrat bertemannya dengan baik.9. gw juga mahluk yang ngga begitu gaul amat. di atas bukit masih ada bukit yang lebih tinggi lagi.jadi kalo dia pikir waktu malamku aku pasti ada di club itu kan mustahil jack. masih ada topik2 laen yang sebenarnya bisa kita bicarakan. bukan begitu bu?10. apa beliau pikir gw juga mahluk yang kekurangan bahan bicara, sampai2 kalo ketemu gw bahan bicaraan musti tentang dugem? weleh.
sigh. gw harap sih dia bisa menemukan bahan obrolan yang lain kalau kita ketemu lagi. karena jujur aja, gw juga udah jarang ke club itu lagi. secara yang gw udah tua, dan kuliah gw kudu diselesein. kalo gw ke club melulu kapan gw kelarnya. dohhhhh.perhatian, jangan menghindari orang-orang tidak penting. dekatilah mereka dan sebarkan pengetahuan anda, jadikanlah mereka penting juga. biasanya kan kutub yang bertolak belakang akan mendekat. huhuhuhu.buat Ibu yang dibahas di sini, tenang saja, nama anda sudah gw samarkan demi kepentingan privasi dan harga diri.

2005-06-19T12:10:00.000+07:00

minggu yang melelahkan. begitu banyak waste of money. bertemu dengan orang2 baru lagi. memikirkan banyak hal yang melelahkan lagi. ughhh.
akhirnya bertemu dengan kelompok KKN yang sekarang. sebenarnya menyenangkan. but somehow gw udah terlalu tua buat beginian. maksud gw nyari dana, kumpul ini kumpul itu, nyari ini nyari itu dan harus mendengarkan individu2 yang well...snobish. masih2 anak-anak banget. dan pusing mikirin kalo semua orang pengen didengar.
tapi baiknya kelompok yang satu ini orang2 nya dingin-dingin aja. kayaknya emang tipe-tipe yang ngga mau susah. kalo udah begini i know just how it would end, or probably bakalan kayak gimana...sigh.God emang udah ketuaan buat beginian.
dan rencana buat bikin film lagi masih harus dipikir2, kegiatan yang laen kayaknya bakal makan waktu banyak. energi, pikiran, kayak nya ngga sanggup musti menambah kegiatan dengan shooting lage. urgghh.
pagi ini aja musti bangun awal buat jualan some cakes yang sebenarnya, well...worth it apa juga gw ngga tau, bersusah payah buat jualan dapatnya dikit banget dipotong sana-sini. uh. ini badan juga capek. kalo ada mesin waktu buat mempercepat semuanya...yohohohoh. ngayal mulu.
ini adalah week end yang buruk. agak buruk. tagihan di sana sini. kegiatan yang merontokan fisik dan mental dan kantong yang bolong. alamat ngga jelas dan merindukan seseorang yang begitu manis dan ketemu minggu lalu. kemanakah dimanakah dirimu ndut? kangen nee...ughhh.
apalagi ya, well...kos2an gw sepi lagi akhirnya, anak-anak kos gw yang begitu rusuh itu pada liburan. ya mereka emmang harusnya liburan setelah semua kerisuhan dan keramaian yang mereka buat. tinggal ama anak2 itu berasa tinggal di film 24 hour party people. guess lah kayak apa...sementara dalam umur segini gw cuma nyanggupin jadi well...18 hours party people.hehehe. waktu gw tinggal sedikit nih...
nyelesein skripsi sekalian ikutan KKN, banyak keraguan ahhh....
rolongg...eh tolong....
tiba-tiba jadi inget 5 buah kue lumpur yang hari ini adalah bagian dari tim sukses kue KKN gw dan sebelum sempat dijual, tepatnya saat didata harganya tiba2 menggelinding di tanah dan gw beli. kasihan juga, belum jualan malah udah rugi duluan. maksudnya apa yaaa...tantangan di mana mana neghh.kue2 itu lalu berserpih pasir dan kita semua pada amaze dengan apa yang terjadi, akhirnya cuma bisa ketawa meaningless. ya Tuhan, cobaan apa lagi ini (daa...). dan sekarang kue2 itu ada di plastik di kos gw, maksud gw sih mau gw bersihin pake sikat gigi yang masih baru supaya pasir2 nya pada ilang dan bisa dimakan. sayang kan.
tadi udah gw comot satu, lumayan enak...ah...kue lumpur dengan serpihan pasir, agak gimana-gimana mengglelinding di lidah...pasirnya.hjeheheh.
ampun dj...

2005-06-14T09:17:00.000+07:00

this week is started with one thought that appeared on my mind. and bugging me all the time.
i come to the realization that i have been letting down so many people.
they have such big expectation for me, but then i let it down.it stuck in my mind that on this age all i can do is being selfish. meaning that, i dont try to listen to all those expectations from others. instead of making them happy i decided to do it my way.well, is it wrong anyway? i mean, people have voice in their heart. but i dont know whether i have been listening to mine all the time.
i just thought that it would be cool, if i dont have to listen to what people say and do what i like.its just not cool that many people out there determine to know what people should do.you know those people who judge themselves to be the one who shall say that this is good and that is bad?
ahhh, i lost the clue what to say.
its just that i dont like this condition. it worries me, if actually there are more people turned sad and sorrowful and even hated me for what i was saying or maybe didtothem.well, would people be happy if i always do as they say? then when come my time to do what i like? you cant always make people happy.
is there any book that makes you uncareless and would probably be the most loveable person ever lived?
i think that would be sucks right?
you cant be loveable all the time. you need drama, you need to quarel with others.cause if you dont fight then it all be straight lines.and that is boring.sigh.by quarelling with others you will find out the way and the tunnel you should take and you can take to make things better.and strangely it will force you to do things that please people.
i need privacy here.

2005-06-11T02:56:00.000+07:00

attention, this post is written down in bahasa.

udah sabtu lagi, week end lagi. seminggu ini lumayan banyak hal yang udah lewat. ya iya lah. seminggu cukup buat bikin plan menghancurkan dunia, dan minggu sesudahnya adalah waktunya melaksanakan penghancuran yang dimaksud.
sebagai seorang pria jalang,apalagi yang takut dengan namanya kesendirian, memang sudah seharusnya punya rencana hari sabtu besok. paling ngga nongkrong di coffee shop yg lagi ngangkat di sini atau cuma sekedar chit chat sama seseorang yang udah lama ngga ketemu (tiba-tiba teringat sama bli,apa kabar dia ya? i'll call him later dah). aneh juga bagaimana pria lajang bisa tidak takut dengan sebuah kondisi tanpa hubungan. sangat kontradiktiv, seringkali ke lingkungan sekitar yang sampai (dari mulut saya) bahwa 'well..orang seperti saya ngga serius soal romantisism walaupun katanya mengaku romantis' tapi seringkali saya malah memikirkan betapa banyak orang di luar sana yang mengharapkan saya menggandeng seseorang.mungkin kalo hal itu saya lakukan dan alami sekarang mereka juga akan say something. thats the world around you babe. dan buat my case,people always say something.
satu lagi, saat week end pastiin kamu punya duit man. tanpa duit, lo ngga bisa melenggang seenaknya, yang ada lo cuma mikir 'bah...gimana mau jalan, duit aja ngga ada.' buat pria lajang, duit penting. lagu koes plus udah ga jaman.udah gini budgeting jadi ada gunanya juga. i am such a big spendor.bukannya mau bragging, but i am not so proud of my excessive spending habbit.GOD.seseorang harus meredam dan menghentikan langkah kaki dan mengambil dan mengamankan dan menolong saya menyelamatkan uang saya dari pemborosan. kadang pengeluaran sekecil apapun akhirnya menjadi banyak.
kayaknya emang sudah waktunya saya menikah [eh hemmm...]. kata orang punya istri bisa membuat kita betah di rumah. well, despite soal sex -yang emang lebih enak dilakukan di rumah-pasti membosankan. kecuali kamu baru married dan kamu lagi hot-hotnya.tapi...married is so...far from my present list.
ada baiknya membiarkan jari manis ini tetap tanpa pelindung dulu (kali), supaya pikiran lajang ini masih bisa bebas mengembara dan meraih apa yang dia inginkan. karena di pikiran ini memang banyak yang masih mau saya masukan di port folio nya.sounds interesting huh...yeahhh.
anyway, besok ada temen yang membuka resto baru di daerah utara. sounds fun. bisa makan gratis kayaknya. hueueueueue.untuk sebuah week end makan gratis pasti pas.aight? jalan-jalan kecil sebentar, buzzing around the hood, dan penutupnya segelas kofi dingin yang diblend. aight? yeahhh.
well, ada beberapa proyek menannti.mudah2an jadi, tapi agak riskan juga.i am a new bie here.yoyo yo.lagi browsing2 soal itu nih. soal apa?
ntar aja ya...tidur aja deh...udah 3.30pagi. besok musti kampus bentar.
hampir lupa, barusan tadi kelar liat spektakuler ke 3. si wisnu akhirnya pergi. well, dia emang STD amat ya. layaklah dia keluar.and this far, saya sih menaruh harapan sangat besar buat mike.GOD. entah kenapa season 2 indo idol ini juga mengingatkan akan american idol ke 2.ada ruben. ada mike. sama-sama, well...gede...dan item, and mike...well, dia harus menang. tadi aja indra dan titi ngasih standing ovation buat mike. dari spektakuler pertama ga ada yg dikasih standing ovation.ayo mike. menang!!! hush. dia nyanyiin 'bahasa kalbu' nya titi dj, dan gw langsung having goosebumps dan pengin nangis saking kerennya itu lagu dia bawain. titi dj was as excited as me.

ayo mike menang!!! btw, sorry kagak ada gambar si suara emas itu. susah nyarinyee...hehe. dah ye. ane mau tidur dulu...

2005-06-07T03:47:00.000+07:00

its been a year. passed 7 days. since the first day i started blog-ing.its been fun, introspective, addictive, frequent, pathetic, and the rest.
blogging (as far as i know) has been a revolutionary finding in internet service, even in mass comunication service.since its birth, bloging has been the seed of men's voice (as far as i know too). and for a person with many things in my mind helps a lot.well, i guess, friends who have been parted away from me still can follow what my mind surpasses these days through my blog.
my blog is my home.
its my wall of grafiti.
its my record.
its (used to be) an empty space that filled with my nut-zy crafts and adventures.
i guess in the near future, somehow, something will compete the presence of blog.
anyway,
i am preparing myself for a new week.
new plans and everything.
later huh...

2005-06-04T12:36:00.000+07:00

its week end. and its an ending of another semester. and i am still alone (in the sense that i dont involve in a relation ship at the moment).most of the times, the thought that you are alone-especially when you tangled into it when you ARE alone-it kills you.sigh. in a weekend like this, that kinda thought kills you more.

anyway,my week has been nice. and eventually i realized that i have spent much money else where. especially in the net section. i love being online you know.recently i like to spend my times in mbak melly's place. she's one adorable sister that everyone has to know and make friends with.just yesterday me and her, nina, and mbak mima spent the days browsing around malioboro and the mall (its been months since the last time i went there, and i thought it would be nice to go there). well, eventually i found the mall is pretty boring. the bonus to previous' day's trip is my sore feet and throat. darn it.
lately, i have been really into pass things (read: fashion).

tomorrow, i will have my first bimbingan KKN. darn it. i feel too damn old for that too. i saw the list this morning and i captured the fact that it took 2 years for me to know and to realize that i have been wasting my times dude. or i just need the right time to be good? to be right? and the rest? hopefully those people are good.

i have been watching many TVs lately. its been nice. cause i love tv. the only things that prevent me from going outside my room is only TV. if only i have tivo.sigh. the Tv that you can pause. hehe.

anyway, i feel bit flat this week.

this post proves it.

darn it.

2005-05-24T08:34:00.000+07:00

too many things to write and i cannot think any other way that is better, well, blogging is about writing and the materials that you write down, so i think its fair enough just to enlist them.hehehe.some of the times, the starting lines of the posting just tangled you aightt???
one.
my movie's preview has been so not fun. i was tied with a distressing fact that some people really want to brag about something.i just dont like the way they act towards the event. it was supposed to be a together show, not apart.the hell i care, i just enjoy people who enjoyed my movie. it made me more comfortable to have another one in production before i turn myself to the next pedro almodovar. huahahahahahah. dream on. nopes!!i guess i will take the risk. any comment out there? talk to my hands, i am already fixed with my selfishness and dont really care about WHAT you have in mind.
two.
um...si manis just screwed up my movie with her/his somewhat true critics...well on everything. sorry andika for putting your story so low that i lost the soul of your so sad post. but, this far i know i can make people laugh, and i know i have the bites to tell a comical movie.huehehehe.
three.
eventually i enrolled myself (again) on the comunity service program.arrgghhh...leganya.what a relieve, i have many things in mind for this one.
four.
this past few weeks i follow the continuance of smallville (you know, that superboy soaps?) and guess what, i got so bored with things that happening between lana and clark.hahaha. suddenly i drop my thoughts to indonesian soaps. things are not so different at all.
five.
getting drunk was so hillarious.

thats it. for now. enjoy.
you know what, actually i got many pics for you guys to see...just wait kayy??

2005-05-15T13:10:00.000+07:00

calling all ye movie freaks!!
unhappy birthday premiere
friday 20th of May 2005
room K.18, 2nd floor
kampus 1, mrican
Sanata Dharma University

also showing:
shounji
happy birthday

its all free!

2005-05-09T20:21:00.000+07:00

good looking and bad looking (and some notes of today)

just now,i went to a book store. alone. most of the times i just cant go alone. i cant bare the loneliness and the thought of wondering places on my own. i am not the guy who likes to be alone. but this time i tried to beat my loneliness, well somehow there are moments when you just have to be alone and share your times with your own sanity and thinking about stuffs that you have done.aightt? so whats the deal with the title?
okay, i walked to the highest floor on the building and browsing the books, who knows that i might drop my sight to the kind of books that i like and i have the desire to have it. FYI, i just bought mrs.dalloway by virginia woolf and da vinci code by dan brown last week (the time when dad came and he went to a book store to buy some books, so i decided to add his bills with those books.hahaha).
so there was me, on the top floor. looking around.i walk here and there for couple of minutes, observing some fresh edition of my fave mags (but did not have the intention of buying it). as usual, i could not stand some kind of music that made me shiver to move (suddenly i caught the sound of Justin's like i love you) so there was me, again, shaking my butt to the rythm of that song. i guess some people out there, near by me, must have veen entertained by my private dance show. okay, back to the title.
suddenly, i passed my sight on this person. the person's name is disguised to be A.A is cute. really cute. my heart says something to see A. A is in my list of loveable person (you know, the kind of person that i want to love and be loved in return). A has everything. A would pass all my need from a person.A was so cool standing on A's own. and i looked at A from a far. sigh. i just rub my chest to know that i cannot have A. my mind just wondering around with the thought of having A.on my own.
then suddenly my eyes caught a sight of B.i met B just some of the times. but B is quite, you know...everywhere.B is also my type. but A was a bit stocky. there you go. and B was...tall but skinny. but B got the look. got the eyes and got the smile, got the chin.yumm.hhahahaha.
the title, why there should be the standard that says A and B are the type of cute persons? cute is when someone has the right bones? right eyes? proportionate body parts? the right skin? what else is right on them? why when I saw them i suddenly labeled them CUTE. whats cute all about? whats cute actually? and why these cute people most of the times have the bigger potentials from the so called ugly people to be on the hot spots. you know, good jobs, big paid.
whats God to do by creating and putting the standardized CUTEness to our awareness.in our dictionary of minds? do some people out there really care about cute and ugly people. and most of the times, in love, cute people are so unfair. they choose the so called cute people also to be in love with. and they justify that ugly people cant have them. then, cute people are only for cute poeple. and ugly people can only watch good looking people together.
there are this couple. i noticed them some of the times.frankly speaking, using the standardized cuteness...they are not the kind of good looking people. (see i am already using this term, i am so aware of the term that i am being unfair and suddenly i used it on them.sorry). but they are, everytime i see them, so in love. i could see that they need each other. they happy for each other. and it seems to me that each of them wont find the new one to be in love with. voila...this is a new thought.
ugly people realize that they have a small chance to be in love due to their well...not so good looking feature.so when they grab one they wont let it go and treat the one they already got as the possessions, well...for the rest of their life. you know, the thought that they cant always be in love.and they are lucky enough now to be in love thought.
while the so called good looking people...they know they have bigger chance in love, they can love the not so good looking people and the so called good looking people too. they have bigger choices and alternatives, cause they are good looking. so they tend to be pragmatic in relationship. they tend to easily let go their partner, any time. dump one and get another one. that easy.
not so good looking people, like me, cant do that. pity on us. what should not so good looking people do to struggle for love? cause in the end only not so cute people will also fall for not so cute people. cute people only belong to cute people.hehe.bitter huh.
why i write this?
this is just my stream of consciousness. my father said that there are ugly people and good looking people cause there are good and bad, and they complete each other. world wont stand in balance if there are only good looking people around. good looking equals to perfection, and when perfection is all around it would be probably boring. so some mistakes are needed to put new colors into perception.
i think, logic is useless when you think about these terms: cute and not so cute.i mean,i wonder who put the term in use for the first time.
should one pity themselves cause they dont have the look? many people would commit suicide if so. my stream of consciusness told me that the world's condition has been so justified with many terms in practice which are so unfair. but again, unfair completes the term fair.

today?
me and khrist decided to launch our movies together.next friday, the 20th of may 2005. about 6pm.we wrote this letter to be given to the department tomorrow.
khrist is a problematic person, for me, too.well...this far,i can tolerate...

2005-05-07T16:04:00.000+07:00

the sms that i got that morning was a warning. my father came here. yesterday.it was a surprise for everyone. and we were like, busy...hiding things. well, actually it was not that bad. i am glad that he still tolerate my indisciplinary attitude towards my thesis. sigh. i am not relieved myself.i am not happy myself to witness my goofing around habbit and tendency not to focus.shame. shame.sigh. again. anyway, as usual dad never stays too long when he visits us. i guess he wont let us spend his money, like a lot. but we always buys something when he is in town. and i know that my time is ended already for stuff like that. and again, he spilled me with stuffs that my ears would be hot enough to hear.and i know that he was and he is true.suddenly it slips in my mind..this kind of situation is the kind that i will face in the future.you know, about father and son things.but i already told myself not to be a forcing father, you know...the kind that demands your kid to do this, do that, dont do this, dont do that.i will let my kid do anything that they want to do with their life, as long as thats cool enough with themselves, the world, their surroundings, and their God.cool already? hehehe.
anyway, last night i left the hotel where my dad stayed (he left home this afternoon by plane directly to Pontianak) to visit a music gathering by some electronic artist. the crowd was cool. but the music was riotic. and the people later turned to be riotic either.fuck. i was trying to enjoy my time. again, the drum and bass session left me earlier cause i was late. duu huuu. the music was around the sounds of the 80s with many samples from the cure and many other cool tunes that i could not figure out, but the music was so cool.i noticed a Dj. his name was durga, he came from bali. and he played such a cool session for everyone. he knew how to maintain his grip on our addicted mind for music. we went crazy so many times on behalf of his music. hahahaha.but after that, the crowd went crazy and i escaped myself out side.its riotic enoufh for me...so i just got my fingers on my Marlboro lights and smoke.sigh. what a night. i met many new friends there, and some old friends.
okay, what do i left to tell? ummm...well i got some new rubber bands. you know, the ones that is so happening at the moment? i bought a shirt and got myself the right to buy rubberbands.yellow, orange and green.just cute.

anyway...please check my photo album, cause i have uploaded new pictures which were taken a year ago.remember when i wrote about my trip to borobudur? yeah, these new images were taken at that particular time..it took me like ages until i can put it here...it was nice, the whole family on a one day trip and we were so tired by the end of the day...these are some of them, you can check more of it here.
nice weekend everyonee...go rent movies, to the mall, be brats, sip some coffees, use your fire wire...be everywhere...this is weekend, enjoy your time, dont let it pass you just like that!

2005-05-06T06:42:00.000+07:00

i woke up this morning and received an sms from my father.

father: son, when will you graduate?

son: ...

i was waking up from a very nice sleep. it was 5am in the morning, and i drop my eyes onto the incoming message.i could not continue my sleep.i quickly took my bath and went here. i am going grizzly. he made me so awful about myself,all of a sudden. there are many people out there who are...proud enough to fight their father. i am probably one of them. but its sadder,even more, for me, to know that up to now, i still cant make him happy of what i am doing for my life.
all the way here, i suddenly think how happy he was when he had me the first time on his hands. on my way here,i saw a young father with his cute little son. they sat next down to the dirty river of mataram ditch,a current that passes their house.i wonder, did my father take me out in the morning when i was so small, greet the morning.
i wonder if he was very happy to have me for the first time, and now all i can do is piss him off.
God, please dont make me waste his love for me.

2005-05-05T09:04:00.000+07:00

what should one do when they face such a twisting story of life? i guess when people are aware to this kind of thing then they would treat their life like a...well, shit hole. i mean, have you ever met someone that, you know, feel their life is not going anywhere. stuck and they better dead then alive? sigh. that kind of people surely have a very dramatic life, therefore...there is this term...drama queen. someone who miserably consider their life like in TV soaps. i mean, somehow her life or his life (cause there is always the drama king) has this similarity to the TV soaps. troubles. ups and downs. tears and laughs. i mean, normal life would be probably consists of those things too, but are there actually people who treated those things like they are so big? have i met a drama queen lately? well, last 2 years i was having such friend.and she was like trouble some everywhere.enough of that. she's not the kind of person i want to remember. she is still a friend though.
i wrote this one cause today i am so dumb that i dont know its holiday. yes dear. i was dumb struck to know that this is a holiday.shoot.
so now i drop myself to the net and back again, buzzing things around. sigh. many people out there asked me, well..what makes me so addictive to this thing. i dont know what and how i should explain but i feel the thrill of this untouchable world. can you? i feel like falling from a point to a tunnel of no end and where each sight i make would sucked my brain into whole new perspective.isnt that cool. just a sight and you can learn things. and up to now, i cant imagine if i have to live without the word 'online.' and now, i drop myself to a porn site, well...2 porn sites. which i was not, i mean, not visiting like for ages...
i like these 2. unlike any other sites who conventionally follow the old pattern of porn, in a sense that well, i need sites who moderately put images into categories like 'i wanna **** you like an animal.' how cool is that? hjahahahah. i found such cathegory here...and well, the images in that categorys said so. i wanna bang you like an animal. hahaha. well, i am still buzzing those sites while writing this...imagine...
FYI, last night was YOga's birthday...we buzzed around and drop our ass to DR.again. well, previously we went to see a rap competition.many cool competitors. stylish rappers and well...average. but some are just cool.erno was cool.yeah, erno was there.we went like with berto, erick, me, yoga and....well just four of us. but later we split and the one that went home together was just me, yoga, and chandra.
they are friends who i just used to see from a far. now they are this close.
i guess i need new circle of friends, not that i would leave the one i have now. but most of the times i think that i need friends who i can really evolve with, and if these new guys i met just these 2 days can bring the sphere that i want in a friendship well...thats just cool.
now, i am blank...i dont know that today is holiday...and i still want to revise my thesis. where should i go? should i rent some movies?....sigh...lame.

2005-05-01T22:31:00.000+07:00

i feel like i owe some stories. for everyone who come here and mind their thoughts to buzz on some of my craps.its like hell, but to be honest dude i dont have any mind of stories right now. the thing is i might be too depressed to relate myself to a scenarion and eventually write down the details of it, or probably just a bit of it here. well, week end was the moment when expectation of a bright saturday night comes to mind. but wait, there is another alternative ending here i am saying. too recap, saturday was betty's graduation and some of my other not so close friends were graduated too. felt happy for them yet felt awkward and sad to myself.i bonk a lot i suppose. i went here and there and missed lots of things. i spent the saturday night alone, well nope...wrong memory card. i went to see a show on UGM and ended dissapointed because the DJ whom i wanted to see has gone to tawangmangu and played there, and i missed that cool show. fuck.the show on UGM itself somehow ended when that cool band stop playing, everyone was just gone suddenly and i was stranded there waiting for a DJ to play and when one DJ appeared from the dark he played a lame tune and that lame people goofing around acting like so cool while i was watching them like a pathetic asses, like i care what i did. i did care, if i didnt why i wrote it down here. darn. those were not the kind of people who enjoyed DJ. they better listen and dance to something else. fuck them.
okay, another week is starting here, or about to start. next week means:
1.catching up with my finale thesis.
2.start to edit my movie.
3.put the poster everywhere. anyway, i buzzed my saturday night by creating the movie poster for my second project.it was fun...
4.call my boss in Jakarta and tell him i had enough with his ignorance.
5.start to write my own stories and sell them quick.
6.arrange the premiere for my movie.
this far...these are my thoughts at the moment...sigh. do you care anyway what i wrote down here?

2005-04-30T19:34:00.000+07:00

i guess this post is a risky one.i made it with a rush on my head banging to me saying that quick write the post or you will pay a lot for the access. too bad there is nothing really cheap in indonesia.sigh.at first i thought that i wont make this post, cause my habbit is i write the post when i am online, compared to other bloggers maybe who does not have many spare times like me who write their post as a draft and then wehn they get the chance to be online then they will post it.i just thought that i have to write this post.
today betty graduated, her parents come and me and my brother come to celebrate, to greet her for exact.what a feeling to see her graduated. what actually did i feel to see her wearing the toga? i feel left.my friends are leaving one by one.i am just too busy doing things, sigh...lets cut this post, i could not think...what a weekend, i am broke...

2005-04-27T14:58:00.000+07:00

many things happened during days and eventually you can call it a week, but this one has not ended yet. i was pretty much busy with chasing the dreams, cause i really remember and really trust the idea that if you dont chase your dreams while you can, you would regret that for life. and i dont want to regret things when i grew older. there. so i am sorry dad if up to this time i still have not finish my study. sigh. i feel so terrible about this anyway, everyday. do you think i can do something, well there is. some one told me to stop doing chasing some of that dream. but i just could not.so here i am with my second movie. the shooting days are ended already. yesterday for sure. not pretty much memories were made, except that i am really tired in this project. just imagine, i was doing all the things on my own. i wrote the story myself, i shot the movie myself, i directed it myself, and only tyo helped me.i guess i have told you guys that most of my previous crew are busy doing the play performance. i have been there, twice...so i know exactly that they cannot be bothered. anyway, the shooting was finished yesterday when i took the videos where the casts are buying the sengsu. i remembered that in my whole life i was eating that dog meat, literally, once only and compared to what i saw yesterday the look and the smell was a lot different. so i just sit there and watched my casts eating that sengsu, hungrily. honestly, i almost vomit when i smell the odor of the food. it smelled different. i did not remember the exact smell of that food. but the smell ensure me that i wont eat that thing.to make it lot worst i met a cute dog in the same morning the afternoon we bought the sengsu, and before we went to buy the sengsu i met someone who later told me that the cute white dog died of breathing infection. what the fuck does that mean? well, i did notice that the cute white dog shivered all the time and he walked like a drunken puppy. the first time i saw that puppy i thought that he was just got out of his mommy's womb. but actually he was sick. darn it. he was too cute to die. enough of dog.
last week i was pretty mad towards some of my friends who, well...i dont know whether its cool enough to still treat them like friends. you see, they hide many things from me, they dont want me in their activities, they group themselves and do things on their own and they take some of my close friends in that activity. its pretty obvious that they dont want me. what else.a pretty obvvious rejection which made me feel terrible of having friends like them. fuck. who do they think they are. my brother told me to be cool. but i just could not. they have to respect my feeling. if they keep doing things like this i dont know if i still can laugh and see their face, ever again.

God. what did i do wrong. at first i was trying to be kind enough to deal with them, but lately they been butting everything.i am so lucky i dont have to meet them all the time. fuck. i guess there are kinds of people who think that they can manage what the society can do, how the society should behave towards one, well...i must have forgotten many things.

i'd rather edit my movie than noticing them behaving so lame.

anyway, enjoy these images, got them when we shoot the movie, or just go to the blog instead, the link is also on this page...

2005-04-18T21:09:00.000+07:00

another friend of mine lost one of his parent today, his parent. it was a big surprised, for me, and my friends. well, considering the condition of his father i would not be that surprised now. its just that the sense of losing some one close to you. to whome you share some even all of your blood fluid. the life probably just stops the moment you breath cause you realize that a life, someone who live for you and someone to whom you rooted your life has gone. its hard and i know how he feels.i dont know what else to say. the thought is coming back. i guess the day supports everything, the mood, the story, the day is dumb.a life was lost today,some tears are poured today, some laugh...a few one is shared today, some souls are tired and needed to take some rest, for eternity.i guess this post will be dedicated to my buddy rama.
dude, its time to think seriously about our life. no chance of goofing around, again.not much that i can do or say to you cause the life of men has been written on our palms. you, me, we got our own story, and sometimes that story collides on an intersection of life.dude, sorry i could not make it to visit you today. its not that i did it intentionally.but from my heart i sent one prayer for you and your family. be strong.i was like that, i was not that strong, but i manage to survive a bit. up to now.its sad to let go, but lets hope that where he is right now is the best place he will ever be.be strong.be strong.

2005-04-15T22:32:00.000+07:00

Just like shounji, the present project also started on friday. i remember exactly that it was around 8 in the morning when we start shouting on shounji. well, this second movie started a bit late, rather quite...very late maybe. we started shooting around UGM.took the guts of the conversation out. just a small piece of it.but well, we started anyway. and i do feel a bit awkward with this second project. many things burdened my mind actually. i am really occupied by things.damn.tomorrow we will start early, around 7am.i will take the road scenes.sigh.honestly i was a bit uncoordinated today and let so many people wait.i hate to do that and thats just my weakness.i felt dumb to myself.felt sorry for some people cause they have to wait under the heat of the sun.
yeah, we have to delay the shooting on the train station cause the despossition letter was just too damn late.this is the birocracy and it tangled me.got to meet many people and eventually can do the shooting.while actually the shooting will take place on monday.i have too. and lucky me, everyone's agree. dont give up on me guys, we still have deadlines to catch okay?
anyway...paying debts are so in my dead lines too. too shy to tell this but i am telling you, i got debts and never that proud of it. sigh.
i took memes to dinner just now and i told her how things are occupying my mind.especially my UnderGraduateThesis.darn.when can i start to concentrate back on it. God please.education tangled me.
anyway, tonight...i miss ardi pite. damn it.got no free pass.i will catch you next time bro. well, i am still quite tired by the previous drum and bass.drum and bass is a wicked session i am telling you, especially with wicked people...abah, izal, wisnu, sandra, via, jue, doni, putri, shaggy dog...what a night. may be enough party for now, gotta catch so many dead lines.and just now i sent another episode of the sinetron.gotta make more money dude. gotta make my own living. does it sound cool?

...may be enough party for now, gotta catch so many dead lines

being a grown up is cool. cause u can watch porn without considering other people saying that you are pervert, well? have i missused the term. i mean, those so called normal people call those who watch too many porns pervert too.so why bother?
actually, last 2 days i was thinking that in this posting i would write why such a man like me still has no clear relation ship.well, so many people are questioning and i have to make reasons to spill the reasons why i am still alone.may be some of you wonder that too.sigh. when you are with some one they ask. when you are not with some one they ask.so why bother.
i'd rather have lunch tomorrow with my friends. betty invited me and bro to a fishing spot...seems nice for the weekend. but it means that not long after this i would say goodbye to another sweet girl...darn.

2005-04-13T21:17:00.000+07:00

Today is hot, like toasted and burning. strangely, the afternoon is colored with rain and cold weather, the breeze is just a perfect one for those who seek nice night sleep. i guess the season is changing. try to be a bit poetic, my life is changing too. i am on the age where everything should change dude, and i am freaked out. my mind is still occupied with endless play time.which is fun actually, but time comes when i should quit fooling around with my life.sigh. i guess i have been discussing this idea quite often, i am freaked out everyone. anyway, today i buzzed around jogja to have the first look of shooting location for unhappy birthday. our trip actually has not been finished cause i had more appointment on the afternoon. but if you really know who i am, i love being in the state of bussiness. thats how i feel alive, the state where i really know and i really feel that i am actually human.yeah.hehehe. some people call it workaholic. but i think being a work addict is cool.you will reduce the possibilities of doing negative stuffs, and all you can do is just being productive.get that kiddo?
last night i went to the happening kedai kopi, met bunch of young flashy gay guys as usual, well..that place is for everyone right? cause some friends meant to reject the coming of those same sex fond-er.met some old friends, giras, boim, and also that dashing PS. we shared some stories, cause its been like...dont know...but we missed so many stories. anyway, i went there with my tail-sandra, and memes. many topics, love, cheap sluts, and should memes stays in doubt for her present boy friend, or just stick on the path, and instead of burdening her hubby, i said she should support him the best way he can do.well, i could call myself a love psychologist. doctor love.well, what a crap i told her, i messed my own love life, should i be more proud.i guess my path of finding that so called true love is still a long one...and i bet when i have found her, i just could say nothing. i guess true love silences everything, cause it is so damn beautiful that your time is spent, all of it, just by appreciating it.hahaha.

...being a work addict is cool.you will reduce the possibilities of doing negative stuffs, and all you can do is just being productive
these are some images from my trip with sandra today, i would also like to introduce my side kick, my blue japan motor bike that takes me everywhere all this time.actually it belongs to my sis, but i am pretty much a mobile person and she's not. so i grab the steer and put all my love and affection to the idea of adventure with him.hehehe. these are the potential shooting locations for my next movie.i also made a blog for this movie, but i realized that it takes more of my time and money to maintain that blog. so just wait. but i promised to always up date it, blogging is fun anyway.
well,
its raining and cold out there, but i am still going to another drum and bass event located on malioboro with sandra. i think it will be so much fun, cause the last time i went to the drum and bass show, it was a whole load of fun.new buzz, my dear friend tatang will give birth to a baby boy. i miss her so much.damn.sigh.
see, my life is changing...a friend of mine will have her own baby, and i guess my turn wont be that long, i love babies, i love making babies...and whose not?

anyway, bald never dies!! bald head rules!!

2005-04-12T02:46:00.000+07:00

Tonight, i spent some quality times with a very close friend of mine whom i already consider as a brother.well, i think he deserves to be called that way. cause he missed my birthday gathering, i treat him bunch of coffees, and we drank like there is no tomorrow. kidding. we just drank coffee and spilled some details we have been missing for some times. he got sick,i got busy with my thoughts, jobs, and life. we didnt get to see each other and we fed up ourselves with the stories just some hours ago.i didnt know when it was exactly that we like to share stories. but that makes him one of my most important person. you know the kind of person who does not turn his or her back from you when the world goes nuts? well, he is just the kind of person i meant.anyway, i dont know either since when drinking coffee become a habbit for people in this city. but i am glad enough.years ago, the first time i stepped my feet on this very city i found enough amusements at day time, but not night times.people got a very threatening puzzle evertime the night comes, they dont know where to go, and now coffee shops are everywhere.a friend of mine call it 'happening.'well, that friend of mine started a some what boutique with a hidden coffee shop at the back.
anyway, if you notice carefully, coffee shop gathering, flocking, gossiping, or whatever that is has become a culture. i think its agreeable to say that going to the coffee shop in the afternoon is rather cheaper than going to the lame mall where you would see just...nothing important, unless you are going there to trade yourself.sorry. but i think everyone who is going to the mall are exposing their somehwta possession. so called pretty girls would go with their herds, which are members of lame youth who think that being seen and to see someone at the mall is so damn cool, you air head, go to the sea.for the boys, they would go with their herds too, the young establish socialite wannabe on the level of college age. well, malls are filled with lame kids anyway.i just dont get it.or may be its me who cant afford things in the mall.i desperately want to buy it but just no money jo se.well, the spirit of custom made aka local stuffs just within me dude.
anyway, going to the coffee shop is also contageous for this lame socialite wannabe kids.i mean, rich kids going everywhere with rich kids telling nothing but well..i dont know, but lame rich kids are such bratts who show up the level of richness which belongs to their parents.every time i go to my regular coffee shop i notice those kinds of people. excuse me, i am only an ordinary distinctive guy who has friends of regular level and most of the times these friends of mine are being swept away just by the look. equality please.this is the curse of the coffee shop. only some people can really become a regular visitor.sigh. everytime money walks, whereever it goes it brings together with it class classification and strata. which is sick enough. thats probably most of my friends dont mingle enough with the world. the world has already killed their desire of social path before they can even enter it. God helps these kind of people.
today i met some of my prospective casts. some very short briefing and more appointments tommorow. i just think that i am missing things here and there and tried to enlist what have i forgotten.my old crew, i mean the previous one are quite busy with their classes.i jsut dont have the heart to bug them more.i need to do it myself.
tomorrow i need to do some survey i guess. to the train station, to the roads and streets, to the red lights, to the small river under the bridge.

its 3.30am dude, and i am a bat.

...a friend of mine called it happening
but i am seeking more times to go to the coffee shop, i even decided to write a story based on this habbit. do you notice that FRIENDS series featured this kind of habbit too, and also SEX and THE CITY series also featured women who loved to chit chat in cafe with their close buddies.

so, viva la coffee.gag.

2005-04-09T22:02:00.000+07:00

Last year when i was busy with shounji project i also did many coverage on the project. i was thinking of checking back the postings i made those days.it must be quite funny to check things that we wrote in the past. and i guess i does not include mistakes. mistakes that we did in the past, possibly, will only come with regrets.in one side it contributes to our development as human, on the othr side it shows our foolishness and possibly also come with low tone of moods.i read the other day in one of my afternoon regular visit (did i construct the sentence right?), that it is useless to spill the sadness on bad past and decided to start a new beginning. instead of doing a new beginning, start the same past and create a different ending.its agreeable to me in the sense that what if doing the new start but we still end the same way when we did the same past? so better just take that same scrambled and tangled past but slowly and kindly untied the tangled lines and whatever tangled there until it is viewable as a long straight line of good achievement.sigh.
...it is useless to spill the sadness on bad past and decided to start a new beginning. instead of doing a new beginning, start the same past and create a different ending

unhappy birthday, possibly can be conclude into road movie. you know, one that makes you must see many roads and journeys, am i right? i think it is a road movie, cause the character there has the mission, and the mission is sort of accomplished in one way but on the other way its failed.just check it out, when we have finished doing it of course.gaghahaha.anyway, the shooting will be, and will be taking place about next week, and next week will be filled with rehearsal, readings, readings, and dont know the rest. i am an amateur movie maker, i did it the way i know it.God help me this time so that i can do it. i know i can do it.anyway, visit the web site for this movie here.
what else? well, usually i would be found easily in kedai kopi during this time of the week, but i guess my bod is tired enough to go there and stay there like until dawn. me and my brother used to talk like until the place closes.we used to have many things to spill, but lately we are running out of topics.what happens bro? have our life becoming that happy now? that nothing can be shared? ghehe..what am i doing right? we supposed to be happy when burden's are decreasing but i am asking about that now. past it! i am too tired last night when i shackled my bones cause the music was just too damn inviting to be ignored. its the kind that bomb your ass dude.like what i stated, usually, where there is a good music you can find me on the dance floor, very shining with my bald head, and my groovy move. follow me...here...there...dum dum. hahahahah.
weekend everyone, now i would be facing this saturday night alone, watching some movies, and sleep gracefully for sunday is coming and church is waiting.

yawn.

2005-04-07T14:53:00.000+07:00

Do i need a big event to write a post? should i tribute to someone? a friend made a post in his buletin, well, sometimes, when the person, is worth it to be tributed to.sigh. if a writer needs support and motivation to write, may be this time its mine.the moment when fresh idea just does not flow and runs that smooth in your mind.may be its not my time yet to tribute a post to someone, well...to be truth, my friend is not that, well, grandeur enough to be written here.sorry guys, but show me more love, or something, and i will write about you here. well, there is this friend of mine, to whom i owe the meaning of friendship.may be one day dude, i will write about you.
may be i would recap things? do people out there care enough? well, my life is not that big unless i am paris hilton.even her PDA means something to hacker. whats mine that becomes worthy for hacker to hack? well, some straight lines recap would inform some body out there about your life, right? so i would start it with narration. i love narration, it talks like those movies which started with narration. the use of the first person narration works good to release anger. haha.well narration helps you to find out the state you are in, and puts your life in a bit of subject comprehension.gorky.
intro..intro...i have been self provoked with the state of domination, for others.details,details, i have been working my ass to finish my lame Uthesis which drives me to the ultimate waiting and boredom. at the moment i am building my career as a not so so screen writer and mostly feeling the independent attitude of movie making, thanks to arya kusumadewa, related to that i am preparing my second movie which is about birthday, love, friendship, comic, humor, and adventure.my father has been tormenting my sleep with his demand of me finishing everything soon, and taking care of his lodging bussiness, i dont what that looks like, but my life-i guess-is for something else.what am i talking about?
...mostly feeling the independent attitude of movie making

later, that means tomorrow, i will come to the sound of embassy by Tjs. this is the second sound of embassy's i am visiting, hopefully i can come to more rave music in the future, just need to savor the joy of dancing and feeling each tiny tip of the dancefloor with my shoes.that sounds cool.me like visiting coffeeshops with friends to share any craps in me and their life, that sounds releaving anyway.
gosh. i am 23, and i am lame.yuck.

2005-04-03T22:44:00.000+07:00

this is the image of our late pope. may he rest in peace. may all blessed he shared with us this year drive us to peace, always. may God takes him beside His throne. may the smiles he shared with us through all his life set an awareness in our heart the needs and importance of peace.good bye father.

2005-04-02T19:13:00.000+07:00

this is the day everyone. possibly the historical day for me and my parents. in which, for my parents that would be the day when their second child who is later growing up to be a stubborn and big spendor materialistic and impulsive man (add kinky to that), and for me would be the comemorating day.for just being me. glad with what i am and how far i have improved myself. just like what i stated in my previous posting, its hard being 23. i dont know. i mean i havent doing it yet. this is the 1st day.and um...not many greetings come this far.some people,to whom i am quite closely related to, even have not sent any greetings up to now. i dont expect that much though. why do u think birthday should be special? like you should place yourself in some minutes where you would play all the past tapes of yourlife and acting like you are mature enough to reconcile with your life and pledging that 'ok, i will be good...i will be this, cause i am getting older...bla bla bla..." well thats fine with me.yet, its just nice being synical cause thats how people would be able to degrade the life.as for me, that would be a bit entertaining cause you would be able to laugh on something. laughing on the casual habbit of people when they have their birthday.people should invent a new alternative way to comemorate their birthday.like shooting someone? getting laid? getting wild...dont just sit light some candles and say prayers which are lame. for conservative that would do anyway. its their choice.then whats my choice(dont u guys realized that i am mumbbling all these lines?). my choice would be:
these are cliche lines...but some are not...for real:
mmm, adding my list of getting laid nights.gag.hahaha.
getting drunk,getting wild.i have too.i am 23 .come on.
getting serious with my job.enjoy it.
my U.thesis is the priority.come on...deal with it.
falling in love, again? dont know...loves sick, sucks,and serenades...(sigh)
loving my beloved people more, i dont know how to deal with life without them,
i guess the foremost would be,have a more encounter with my divine creator.
i trully miss u God.

post script:

just got back from hugGos cafe to celebrate my b-day and the sony ericsson S700i competition in cooperation with MTV sky jogja. tyo got the latest prototyope of the cell which makes everyone jealous bout it. well, whose not...its 4 million and something.sigh. i am wet, some stranger share me their jack daniels and 2 cups of tequila and what was it..mmm...cocktail of black russia...yes yes...happy birthday to me.

2005-03-29T20:51:00.000+07:00

the template of my present webblog does not allow me to publish any spanish wannabe title (cause actually those spanish language i used before was, well, terrible). well, the previous sentence was actuallu not a good way to start this posting. to be honest, everyone would be confuse whenever they want to start a sentence. then the choice would be this flat cliche lines: everyone would feel hard to start sentence, then they would start it with this...hahahaha. anyway, this week is the pre celebration of my birthday, i would not easily and kindly share the date, but that friendster stuff is a mess.i am not the kind of person who likes to share the date of my number, come on...if you are my friend find out yourself! anyway, the friendster stuff announce everyone's birthday one week before it actually takes place. awful, everyday would ask me then...its kinda strange how indonesian celebrates birthday. they ask the birthday boy to treat, we suppose to be treated right? sigh.
now that many friends waiting to be treated, i feel awful...not awful, the word is such a mess. the thing is...i dont want to be 23!!! thats is so lame....
well, its not that lame, but the thought of being an adult, or just leaving your youth scares me. anyway, i am still a young man. the word YOUNG is still accessible for my identity. i think the fear is more than just, you know, rational, it has become irational. i used to wonder how it feels to become an adult. i used to think that when you have become a MAN, a respectable man, then the world would put respect on you. cause kids are often being underestimate. and for my case that goes on frequently. i am quite unlucky, frequently disregarded for my underated height. in short, i am not that tall. even there are girls who are taller then me, and some of the girls in the past, to whom i share an affectionate feelings were tall. sigh. i used to feel awful with my height. knowing that its just not enough. and that the world put more respect on tall guys.
tall guys can be a model, an actor, of course girls love tall guys. i feel low and losing my mood for love, if i consider that.
but the time has changed. cause the world believes that stanley fairouz osmond is more than a short cute guy, the world says that there is a great man with a great talent there. so, i broke the chain and smile to the world. i felt so wonderful knowing that my height is not a problem anymore, that love still smiles at me. ouuhhhh...so cliche...
sigh, again.
anyway, this is an open invitation for all of my friends:
my birthday will be celebrated on the some date of april, find that out first, and then you can come to the open air party.its a pot luck birthday party, so bring your own deserts, cakes and party things.
the event will start at 7 pm at kedai kopi. all of my close friends will be there, that does not include fake and posers. i have the hottest dj in town to shake the roof top for all of you guys...hahaha. the party will be like till...puke. thats cool enough?
anyway, free beer for all!!

(its all a lie up there!)

okay, i am turning 23. and i guess now, i am ready.

2005-03-26T13:04:00.000+07:00

i am not really surpassing last nite's aftershock of the unity party in TJ's. the party was having like 10 dj's. only some of them are familiar to my face and ears.well, recently i have been really aware to the idea that i come to any clubs for their music, and not their what so ever attitude that might follow.well, there are people who come to the night clubs just for: 1) prestige, saying that they have been there, once, and thats probably enough. but not for me. if they play the right music i will come again, again, and again.2) they come to get drunk; the most stupid reason ever known. when they get drunk then they will boast something sounds like: you know i've spent like almost millions to get chivas regal with my buddies-yeah, like i care. if thats what the night clubs are for, i guess there are still many places out there when you can get drunk and meet others who also come for the drinks, not the music. once you get drunk i would feel that you are so annoying. fuck up.once you get drunk u annoy people like me, who come purely for the music, purely for the dance floor. for God sake, how can you enjoy the music if u get drunk, all i know when u get drunk u would get mad easily.last night i met this kinda guy.he was really showing off.he did net get me pissed of, but...
when me and the buddies went out for some fresh air he was like tumbling among us and said something like 'sorry...i am drunk...'. is that tolerable.what made me mad, we were like competing on the dance floor and suddenly he walked pass me by and grab my ass.what the hell was that? its obvious then we were looking and observing at each other.thinking stuffs like...oh, that guy is cool, and he dances like hell.sigh.
well, last night event was...i dont know, kinda dissapointed with the line ups.they didnt give me what i expected. may be because they were playing back to back.which lately for me was not that cool. too many hands, too many samples, and u have to spin a lot. numan was not that great. jo van was like...not that great too. but rhino and billy played something cool. billy was giving somewhat like mid 80s and 90s spinning, i reckoned that he was mixing one of klylie minogue song.which was cool. cool.hmmm, when will i have another great spinners? waiting and waiting. anyway, this is the invitation which was used last night. and this was the coolest one among all invitation that i ever got.the design was cool and they have like 5 different invitation featuring 10 superheroes.

this one belong to billy's and sonny's session.i didnt get much of sonny's. he's flat last night.
anyway, FYI last night was a hell of a party with tyo, ori, resta, ardi, betty, bronto, dyah, and another dyah. its nice. i met some friends.
what else? mmm...i have launched the promotional banner of my upcoming movie.the one which still needs many check ups and checkings.i am excited with this. wish me luck with this one.kay? anyway, i have 3 different design on these promotional banner.click this one, and go to the webblog of the movie. i havent put many things there, sooner.i havent even fullfilled the casts you know.gosh!

you can see the colorful design of the banner, and thats how the movie would look like and feel like. rock and roll dude!!!!
yikes. i still want to write stuffs, but i am ran after some deadlines.actually i wanna share my thoughts about the movie i just saw, hitch (with eva mendez and will smith). i dont know, i just love the movie.kinda related with it personally.i am a love looser you know.
so, till next time.nice saturday, happy easter, go to church, dont be like me...hahaha.

2005-03-23T13:48:00.000+07:00

this is the beginning of a kinda nice weekend. probably, since...well many things tangled just that pretty damn fine. i mean, things that rumbled to each other and cooperated so fine to create turbulence to my state of mind. or is it just me who cannot accept the truth. the truth that the waiting means just have to wait and i have to manage myself to suit my pretty lame ass with all of these hectic state i am in and the one that i created myself.enough.i read yesterday in reader's digest that how we act towards a certain state will determine how we are. that looser probably will escape from the damnation of fate incase he or she can submerge into another positive angle of seeing things and start to build positive attitude towards the damnation, in short...get a life instead of becoming a mourning asshole.besides, the sun always shines no matter what, accept that the predetermination of man's life is not from a twisted sect manage to ensure you that tomorrow is the end of the world. to re-start the holiday i would make a confession that this year's easter i had not done any confession myself.sigh.i still believe in God. but the idea that a flesh would be the one who say that my sins are abolished now plays inside my mind.my God, have i been to synical lately???ummm...gee.again, i am not trying to say that i have become an atheist. but, i mean, only God knows what state i am in.sorry.and my God is the only one who knows why i dont come to this year's confession.
next. shounji had it review in MTV trax everyone.

gya gya gya. hahahaha. i am glad. eventually.well, this does not mean an end, but my beginning. yes, my beginning to work my ass on another movie. and next time i should be serious and more eager to tell my stories.not in a sense that i am boasting or something, but now i have the reason, that what i did was not merely having fun. this is only a review, its not an award, but this means everything for me, for my friends who work their ass damn hard to work with me on shounji. honestly, i am a bit helpless on the second project cause things are so tremblin everywhere for me.sigh.but, i will fight!!!!!
and...happy easter y'all!!!!

2005-03-21T12:38:00.000+07:00

betty has her final board exam today. and she's one step closer to embrace the real tough future, i guess.its kinda scary, because the future is unpredictable and makes u sick with loads of burden which wait for you. meaning that, being an adult is not that easy.sigh. next month i will have my board exam too, for sure, cause i dont want to stay a college students longer.haha.what a sick joke, that education tangles you in the end once you dont mean to do it.meant everything you want to do.be someone in the future, yet dont hold ur dream cause it might haunt you in the future.sorry dad, i cant graduate this april.but i will have my final board exam soon.hopefully that glads you, or at least make u calmer.the feeling of havent finishing this stuffs freak me out dude. hahahaha.what a way to wanna be. many things to do. write my script, thats how i pay my bills. finish my thesis. and...my community service will be next month. ouuu, thats sickening, just to think of it...

estoy mareado

2005-03-17T20:44:00.000+07:00

there is the time when the air just dont feel good, and the heat feels like a chill cold that submerge through your skin, when the night just dont feel that friendly for the moment, and amm...your head turns dizzy.it does not feel like the end of the world. but illness makes you feel like the day turns into night so qucik and the only confortable object appears to your mind is your cozy bed. may be thats the best thing i must have now.i remember a looong time ago i was that sick that i could not bring my ass up the bed.yes, you got it...up the bed. and i could not ride my bike.it felt terrible...terrible...so pretty much terrible...urgghhh...it was unbelieveable but that was the moment when i felt so sick.of anything, and none of those food i bought cheerfully said Hi to my diagfragma.
its true when a friend of mine said that when you are sick then health is the most expensive thing you will ever think of.
and tomorrow i have these 5 pieces of invitation for more rave-ing moment.yaw...mmm.a bed is the thing for now.and a good reading is a must, so that i can turn to sleep nicely.a glass of warm chocolate milk with vanilla topping or ice cream, yumm.and a...choco chips would be good. hehe.this way, sickness wont feel that terrible.
urmmm...bed, bed, bed...and a movie would do me good...

soy mucho ocupada

2005-03-15T14:11:00.000+07:00

what a week. this is wonderful. but i dont know whether my guts are there to do it, to survive the hectic avalon of my present life. its going to be very busy, and the word deadline is in my dictionary, again, eventually. well, i do not know, i did not know how it feels to have such deadline. and since i manage to become a scriptwriter, that was a year ago, i met such term.deadlines. i remember i was working on this premise and those company wanted me to develope the story, and i was dumbstruck cause i went nowhere until D minus one and my supervisor called me and message frequently to check whether i have been doing something on the story. and the day got closer and closer to my deadline and i was still as dumb as a donkey, i could not do anything with the story.i could not meet the demand of the story. some part of the story was really demanding that i was going nowhere and felt terrible if i made a mistake.yikes. and there was I, i remember quite closely that i was wake up until 2 or 3 in the morning to write the story (it must be submitted the next morning). i finished the writing. but i felt like writing some garbage that i did not deserve writing. well, my SP told me that just try it, so i wrote it. with a lack of knowledge what i wrote. he sent some materials to contribute things in my writing. yet, those packages he sent me became stranded on the corner of my dusty room. the materials were heavy i could not read it once. its about something big, heavy, and dangerous, and i need to put them in the story. gosh. i suddenly realized that i was told to write something about a damnation of a certain country, which is my country.sigh. that was hard. yet, i wrote it. and i did not know what i write.as i told u, it was a garbage. and now i wonder what kind of story managed to go into the company.the one which will produce the winning story.sigh.back to the deadline.
i dont know what i was born for but this is what i am doing now and i like it, somethings are good, and the rest is...well, i dont know, they find it good. the thing is i have a thing for writing (not meant to boast or something, but people need to make a living rite?). this far writing was and is good.i find the thing i can really related to and love to do.

well, this week some more jobs are waiting. most of them are of course, writing, and they have that deadlines. woops. i dont know whether i can make a frequent posting later on. i got a soap to write each day. and another soap for a day also but a day needs two ep. and my second amateur movie is also in line. and still many things to prepare for that movie. have i told u that i decided to change the title? yaye. it needs to be more rawk in a sense. and a...
well, i think a daily visit to kedai kopi would probably help me figuring out the stories? ump ump...

de mucho coincidencia

2005-03-13T04:51:00.000+07:00

many coincidence in life, in probably it only takes just one night for all of the coincidence to happen. do u believe in the so called serendipity or you are the kind who believes destiny and dare to fight againts your fate?

i was thinking that the title for my second movie project is going to be in french. i always sense that french sounds sexy (suddenly i remember before sunrise where July delpy refused to be considered sexy when she gets mad, cause foreigner thinks that an angry french woman looks darn sexy, cause they speak french?), yet eventually the old chosen title sounds lame and not selling at all. after all, its hard to pronounce that sentence. the french use pretty much deep r and loses quite some of the strong expression (according to my mouth, lips, and tounge). after some serious and not so serious talks with my brother, i decided to change it. now it is unhappy birthday. notice the difference on the choice of color and word, before and after. the new title is so fit in the sense that in this movie i would bring the spirit of old rock, the eternal blazing youth of jeans, the vintage air, and more rock and roll. unhappy birthday is a song from the smiths. and its solved! and i think that the latest chosen title would be more catchy. sigh.
there are some more coincidence happen just tonight. some belongs to budi, but i wont spoil it here. kinda tacky anyway. i am so exhausted.its 5 am something and i have not take my rest since, yesterday.i went out too much. and i neet to rest my ass here.lack of sleep is one major cause of acne attack everyone.and my face is one darn sensitive skin. acne is always a part of my issue lately. dont know. but all major cause of acne are my daily dish: the heat of the sun, stress, extra oil on face, lack of sleep, and unhealthy life style you name it.sigh, again.
anyway, its sunday, again, and today i would like to have more sleep. and working on my thesis and...dont know whether i would find more coincidence. well, i would enlist something here, just in case:
-i need to list the set
-i need to enlist the shooting schedule
-i need to list the places
-i need to list the schedule for the actors
-i need to break down the script
-i need to draw a screenplay for the cameraman
-what else...

darn i am sleepy. i am fading out. the light is out...

atareado de viernes

2005-03-11T03:26:00.000+07:00

how close you are to a person does not guarantee that he or she would share everything that she or he has to your sense of friendship. this is a harsh truth that i met tonight, actually dawn. i encountered this while talking to my mon hermano. i would never have known that he was with someone, the otherday, had not the waiter mentioned something about that on my face.actually i do realize that people have their own bussiness.there are things that people wont share with you, though you are their so called close friends, for the sake of their definite private life.the item which has been so expensive lately due to the presence of internet and satelite ( i heard that the most sophisticated satelite ever exist on earth will find out whereever you are and whatever you do, thats creepy!!). read Dan Brown's novel and find out about this sort of thing (he's the one who wrote the infamous The DaVinci Code,FYI).
back to the previous lines. my mon hermano's face was like busted. like i was not supposed to know that.obviously he wont share that with me.i was confused, in the sense that well...we share the subject about that bulging eyed-girl-whom-he-thought-was-playing-with-him sometimes ago, but now, its turning all around. i dont think that i have the exclusive unlimited access to my mon hermano's life but again, it is obvious to realize that he was setting a brickwall.eventually, he decided to go back home.i bet now he still think about that.its fair enough to know that he wont share that with me.well,again...he was busted.he was. and he was blushing.i knew it.and now i wonder how wide it would take for me to realize that we are not that open anyway to each other.i was thinking that i might be the only one who knows what he is facing the moment, and he knows what i have.for the sake of friendship and brotherhood i swept away any feelings of curiousity and pretence, he would tell me, unless he doesnot want me to know anyway.

for the sake of week-end, today is friday. my brother,komang,will celebrate nyepi,starting from tonight,this mid night.last year's nyepi was like...i forgot...but i remember that he was still in his old boarding and his girlfriend was here, and we were there accompanying him.and now,well...i dont know.i probably would sleep so tight to the pillow preparing myself to hit the floor tonight.its friday night everybody,time to shake.gag.yeah, a dj from netherland is coming to town, and for the sake of rave-ing purity,i come to seek the music and make my body turn around.yeah...hahaha.and tomorrow, there will be maliboro street festival. the whole malioboro street will be blocked. and i guess it would turn out like the kemang festival.well,i plan to take pictures...lets see.we will catch many nice moments then. and a...i will go there with my brother,budi...mmm...rosemary is going to launch her novel: kana di negeri kiwi on april...thats shocking.now i am not the only writer on the neighborhood then...hgahahahah....

le audicion

2005-03-09T21:40:00.000+07:00

i have always known that i never have that X factor to be a celebrity, yet yesterdayi still manage and spare my times to join the audition for that idol thing. the idol. the only reality show that produced the original kelly clarkson. the one which is the franchise. well, i sense that i have the thing for singing but aparently it is not that big. i used to join some singing competition in high schools and made it to the big five. but i guess time has really brought me the thing to do to feed my guts. and its not singing. well, anyone can have a dream of being on a stage with another singers or my brother call them vocalists (to differ those who sing with exaggerating attitude and those who sing so called from their heart). i always dream that well, one day i could sing with shania. u tell me...i could sing each of her song from her woman in me album. i was mesmerized by her voice, her songs, her appearance, and her...everything. i am a big fan of her since then. till now anyway. its the thrill that u cannot feel everytime i sing her song. well, for those who consider that rock music is the coolest ever might dont know how it feels to enjoy a country song. i dont blame people for loving rock songs or sleazy and lame pop songs anyway.

back to the audition.just like last year, thousands of people flocked to run for their dream. i bet all the people in the que line believe that its the calling of their life, to be a star, cause thats what the show has always emphasized all the time.if u think u have the guts and quite enough voice to sing, i suggest u try, who knows u could appear some minutes fame on TV. each year there are always strange stylissimo trying to make an appearance on TV. well, its their decisions to be the object of laughing anyway. Tv always manage to sell something right?
anyway, i came like in the middle of the day with some other anthusiastic dream chaser. we waited for 4 hours until came the moment, which was only 1 minute or so, to deliberately sang our song and to reckon that...well,sorry guys you are not the kind of idol that we are looking for, better luck next time. yeah...right. thousands of people came and probably only 20 something will be embrace and brought to Jakarta.
its this kinda phenomena that sells on TV. people love it.
anyway, when will the time comes for the end of reality TV?

club cultura

2005-03-06T20:58:00.000+07:00

this week movie is bad education. i dont remember exactly since when i decided to watch and follow any movie written and directed by the infamous pedro almodovar. well it started 2 years ago, i suppose, when i watched the spanish movie festival held by gajahmada state university. i first encountered with talk to her. a very poignant, yet thoughtful movie. a different way and taste of a country's cinema to portray life. thats how i would describe the work. the idea is rare, and the casts were...splendid. i found it humorous, yet hillarious and again, poignant. i dont know how to describe it in a more personal way, the work is such a captivating one, i wish i could write and direct such movie. i am trying, and learning. all about my mother was, again, sad, beautiful, genious.talk to her was honest, and the honesty of the images captivated my mind, body, and soul (if that's pretty enough). later, i managed to watch amorres peros (i have written about this one sometimes ago). some months ago i watched my life without me starring the cute monica potter and that hunky bear, i forgot his name at the moment. and last night i watched bad education. and again, those movies were so pedro. they were so honest, unpredictable, for some nations probably prohibited in their cinemas, and pedro's and his club cultura's movies were always colorful, green, red, orange, purple, name the colors you love. they did not use it like when u watch Hero, they just blend and was not orchestrated to be beautiful. the colors mingle with the splendid casts.ahh, i cannot tell u with words, u need to watch it urself, indulge ur sense with spanish ways of cinemas. one thing for sure, prepare urself, pedro always manage to picture sex the way it is, and i am astonished that the actors and actresses are so capable of doing it. whats more, homosexual relationships is a reoccuring issue in his pictures. indulge pedro, i say. do notice that pedro seems to love his actors and actresses so much that several actors can easily be found playing in most of his movies, like the one who is the leading man in this movie.

ps:
the title of this posting also addresses:
a)a brand of a custom made tee from bandung.
b)the band formed by boy george.

further readings and foundings:
cultura club

justo es alegre

2005-03-04T16:56:00.000+07:00

a magazine last month wrote that the only key to live longer than anyone you know around you is just a simple laugh. a really down hearted laugh, a big laugh, just a glimpse of a smile, and u will feel it. i always know that laughing will make u forget some temporary things going around your head, yet, that things which going around in my head never really walks away anyway, unless i really manage to solve it. thats it human. thats the thing. most of menkind tend to escape from their problems. this way a laugh wont work to escape ur burdened mind. but well, a research is a research. i agree that laughing is simply the cheapest medicine to erase ur blues. i remember that last night i had a big laugh with some wittiest girls i ever know this past years, introducing memes and sandra (as usual). we shared jokes on people around, yes darling we really love to talk about people, wondering when we eventually tired of making laugh of people. well, there was a worst case scenario of 'what if an exhibitionist encounters you on a mid day?' that was the biggest laugh yesterday.
about the article on the magazine, i did not really read it thoroughly, but the laughter should be accompany by 8 moderate stuffs or methods that will help you to see sunshine-inside ur heart-everyday. i am going to be synical here, all books of 'how to...this, how to that' never really work well for me, since they determine us to do something that they (the author) believes will work on us. its a one side judgement on people should really react to things happening around them. do u think its fair to let other people think that they really know whats happening to your life. you are the only person who know what happen to ur life. this way the life is creating some pretty good advantages for some people calling themselves experts on problim solving. well, lest just discuss it. i need to make a posting here anyway. hahahahaha.
8 steps toward a more satisfying life (they say):
1. count your blessings, from the mundane to the magnificent.
lets see what happened to my life this far, today:
-i have felt starving, thank you God, i learned that starving is torturing and that i need to prepare myself for future starvation.
-tyo thank God u lent me the money (which put me on the top list for great debtor of this year)
-i could seep my fave cold latte
-i decreased my debt level by returning edi's money
-i could write this posting...
2.practice act of kindness:
-mmm, i helped the parking man to park a cute girl's motorcycle...
3.savor's life joy:
-i could feel the AC here
-the afternoon sun rays was warm just now...
4.thank a mentor:
-i thank my brother budi for making me pleasant with all tortures that my surroundings created against me, possers, and fakers.
5.learn to forgive:
-i dont really hate people, but there are some out there who never really quit bugging me, i forgive u...
6.take care of ur body:
-this means that i really need to decrease the level of my nights out, clubbs, and getting high...i need to excercise, sleep more, stretching my fat bellies more, smile more, and laughing more...sigh.
7.invest energy and time in friends and family:
-i am going to pick my sister up from campus
-i always spend some quality times with my brother budi in kedai kopi
-i always chit chat around with the girls while having dinner
8. develop strategies for coping with stress and harships:
-mmm, i still try to find the answer for this one, since i never really (that) powerful to cope with my stress...i run here most of the times...

sigh.
anyway, this is weekend everyone. i am always depressed facing my weeked. dont know why...

futuro de mis vida sentimental

2005-02-27T02:22:00.001+07:00

janji joni will hit theatres everywhere in indonesia on the 28th of april this year. like the images i provide below (from the official movie website). the movie is being written and directed by Joko anwar and produced by Nia Dinata. Janji Joni tells the story of Joni (nicholas saputra)whose duty is to take rolls of movies to the theatres so that everyone can watch their favorite pictures on the big screen, yet one day when he is on his way to deliver the rolls, the whole city seems prevent him from reaching his destination while at the same time he is also on his way to prove his love to his future love (the adorable mariana renata).
anyway, i will also direct my second indie movie entitled mon anniversaire (which is fixed already and will hit the indie theatres everyhwere soon...ghahahaha)...well, wish me luck so that this project will be delivered, eventually to all of u viewers of cheap and silly movies. well...like joni, i need to prove manythings right. every people. i guess i need to take real steps to fix my ass from things that prevent me from escaping myself from this tangled life.ouugfggghhhhh,.,,,

some galeries, copyrighted from www.janjijoni.com , for more of images and cool stuffs just visit the official website!

niko and joko anwar (the one with glasses)

niko's screen test

niko's and mariana's screen test, i guess this one is for the poster

another niko's screen test

another niko's and mariana's screen test

rachel maryam

the adorable mariana renata [from a far]...hehehehehe

*all images are copyrighted of Kalyanashira Films.

I apratar dentro en caja

2005-02-24T04:41:00.000+07:00

these months are just rush for me. i have to finish the thesis i am writing soon. i have promised my father to graduate by may, yet my counselor said that it is quite impossible for me to do that. gosh. i am cornered now. there are many things i still need to run for and to finish. by april, a prospect on my career as a screenplay writer is quite promising, and my recent link on the industry said that many writers are needed back there in Jakarta. suddenly i remembered the topic me and my friend discussed some times ago. this eductaion needs to be finished. unless we want to stay and be a darn silly student for good. that's how they call it. such a lines of no future and no prospect. i have a career to catch. life to live. the industry is calling me.

help!!! if i am not puting this in priority i will be stucked. for good. nope...as long as i can manage to pull the tangling points...i know...i can go futher.

el vida de ileno conflicto

2005-02-21T18:34:00.000+07:00

most of the times i dont actually feel that i am quite responsible to my life. shame on me. but thats the fact. i am less responsible than my sisters do. up to this moment i am such a trouble maker for the men of my age. suddenly i remember a brother of a friend who happens to be as useless as i am. duuuh. well, i dont have the right to justify, yet...from what she said i can conclude that the guy i meant here is that kind of person. in fact there are many useless people in this world. i am one of them. i reckon that my father used to call me 'destroyer,' since everything that i touched suddenly broken. i did not know the exact reason. but i knew that those things wont last and things will always break that's why u need to buy a new one. he always blame me on anything and call me a boy of no importance. telling me that i cannot do anything else beside asking for money, breaking those stuffs he bought, and the rest that i could not remember.and now, every achievement that i made did not really mean something to him. i wonder, to whom i can really share any goals that i have. my friends do not really understand it all, and only a few really matter to me. therefore i feel less proud of myself. do i spill it all?
i am quite stuffed with that. got too tired and feel so relieve that i am out of the house. but then i get the idea that i will never really escape myself from my parents. there's always a piece that makes me back there. back in the house, where i could find no peace. to be honest i feel reckless there. its all changing and i dont feel quite at home.

now here i am, a more trouble maker and a more less responsible creature. i dont likely feel proud. anyone out there feel likely to survive without someone standing near to you and can really appreciate what u have done, what u have achieve.

i manage to find myself an escape for all of that. damn i hate writing this. i just want to be home. i want to go home. where ever that is now.

Michael Buble. home. album: it's time.

Another summer day
has come and gone away
In Paris or Rome...
but I wanna go home
...uhm Home
may be surrounded by
a million people I
still feel all alone
just wanna go home
I miss you, you know

And I've been keeping all the letters
that I wrote to you,
Each one a line or two
I'm fine baby, how are you?
I would send them but I know that it's just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane, another sunny place,
I'm lucky I know
but I wanna go home
I got to go home

Let me go home

I'm just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I'm living
someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside
when everything was going right
And I know just why you could not come along with me
This was not your dream
but you always believed in me...

Another winter day
Has come and gone away
in either Paris or Rome
and I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I'm surrounded by
A million people I
still feel alone
Let me go home
I miss you , you know

Let me go home
I've had my run
baby I'm done
I gotta go home

Let me go home
it'll all be alright
I'll be home tonight
I'm coming back home"

listen to Michael Buble's single home here.

ps: dont read this, its just an unprecious note of my emotional state. i dont like to write it anyway, but it just came out.i just miss everyone i used to know in the past, and the past that captured me.

la vida de fiesta

2005-02-19T12:51:00.000+07:00

i told my mon hermano that i need my money back. i know i need some money so that i can hit the floor tonight. u cant go without any bucks of money in ur pockets if u want to hip the night. i say, it must not be in the club, well...i never spend any bucks of money in a club, the drinks there are way expensive, except if u know some guys there who will give u free drinks. and except if the club is a cheap one where a regular drinks will only cost u like two third of the hippest club in town's price.
well, my brother is not a party junkie, but he plays in a band that belongs to the life like this in particular. so night life is not escaping from mine and his life. both of us has our own plan that night. its friday night, what else can happen? its like many of those club songs that runs in the hip hop and RnB tunes. dress like you will die tomorrow, and lose ur self like there is no tomorrow. life is a heluva moment dude. hahahahahah. my brother is going to play with his band in one dreadful club in town. never wonder though why him and his band ended there this far. he said that the management would shift the image of that place. imagine a place where go go dancers, kinky guys, almost-bitch-whore on sights, and pimp daddy all around. yea. not a kind of club i dare to step my feet into. so out of my dictionary.
mine is another rave scene called SonicWave. yeahh. featuring a dj plays in the range of progressive trance. well, the night was wholy belong to the rave. the top 40s is somewhere out there now, though i still can groove myself with any club songs. we started like 11pm and ended dreadfully at 3. ougghh...my record is unbeatable. the first time i went to that so called cool club with sandra we came at 10 and died gracefully with a soaking shirts, dark eyes, and soar feet at 4. sigh. rrrhhhaaaaaaaaggghhhh. and now. the djs spin like crazy. and the ultimate show belongs to the trance scene. he was so wicked that i could not stop moving. i dont take pills guys. so i was imagening what will happen to those who take pills and they dance on my floor. shits. dont think about it. those kinda guys are party pooper.

anyway, i went last nite with sandra-of course-my club partner in crime sister, tyo, and memes. well memes is an average clubber and she was starting her stardom. hahaha. and tyo was a surprising one. he has the endurance dude. may be its because that was his first time. my first time was unstopable and i could dance any movements in my thoughts. last night i was a bit losing my groove dude.
oyeah. some party poopers tored the night with crime. they fought each other. i almost got hit by a glass of beer and a girl got cut on her neck by the same glass i guess. yes, i am not kidding dude.she was bleeding.
in the end, the tiring night ended at 3. the party continued to a 24hour lounge on the east. we laid like hopeless brat there until 6 in the morning. i messaged my bro and he met me there too. we played pool and sipping expresso and listening to renee olstead. ohhhh...
no no no. tonight there is another scene on the club in the eastern part of the city. another rave scene with focus on tribal and bass. yeahhh....will i be there, with sandra? ohhh....oughhjhh...i can already hear the music, the crowd, everything...ahghhhhh.
anyway, i need to sleep then.

rutina a aburrimiento a aparcar

2005-02-17T10:41:00.000+07:00

to start with everything. this has been an awful hot week. i notice the flue is spreading, and guess what...another rumor that another kind of storm is going to hit the city by 21st of february, damn.when this kind of shit is going to end. anyway, i am already down by this fuckin influenza.up to this moment i have sneezed like 7 times. and its an air conditioned room.suddenly i remember the thing that a virus easily evolves and spreads in an air conditioned room.ahh...too much movies.resident evil anyone...or...what else? suddenly i loss it. anyway, mon hermano suddenly appears like days after the last time i messaged him. why should he appears anytime he needs my help.yet, anytime i think i need him around he is just that hard to be reached. u face this sort of situation too. i wonder what is happening with the present world. we have the so called sophisticated gadget that ease us to reach each other in just minutes. so that we can listen to each other's voice,though just in the form of audio, yet why we seldom use it. i mean, why we dont have the eagernes just to know someone else's matter whom we think are our close relatives. i am afraid this is the modern world individuality.when eventually no one is interested in no one's matter.is this the so called privacy? i guess its not it.
may be that is it. the motives to reach each other, to contact, to get close with someone close to you, probably your relatives decrease each day. and in the end there is no trace of the social relation ship. the doom of the modern man? when that time comes i guess star bucks would be empty from people with the eagerness to chat at noon.
anyway, i am still waiting loads of stuffs this month, this year, gosh its like forever. no wonder people hate to wait. its the most boring status.what r u doing? i am waiting. and its like forever.
i remember i was waiting a plane one day and because of heavy fogs and no plane can reach sights of the landing field then the airport was closed like 2 days until the sky is clear.
sandra lost her cell again. someone sneaked into her room while she was in the bathroom. its the second time already she lost her phone. damn. thank God i never lost mine. well, i lost something else in the past. i lost some money, i lost pair of shoes. and its always the same scenario. these thieves possed to be someone i know, he was looking for me, and when he knew that i was not there he's gone already with my lovely shoes.
so much things you waste from ur big mouth when it comes to the boredom huh? me too...

me siento solo esto el día de los enamorados

2005-02-14T21:45:00.000+07:00

each year is the same. but i dont know, didnt remember exactly whether last year was raining like this. i guess its the whether that makes it worst. it was raining from noon to night. like there is nothing quite significant. there is anyway. today is that fucklametine day. have i started blogging on last year's vals? why valentine is so damn important for some so called romantic day. like me and netha's predicted yesterday today will be the day of the fucking pink to socialize its lame mood everywhere u looking. rain and pink. awful combination. why is it so damn big? why everybody is selling those lame roses. why people cannot enjoy being alone. why cannot i enjoy it? i try to call everyone to kill this awkward evening. i wanted to kill it. everyone is being lousilly romantic and awkwardly feeling L.O.V.E....yeah...why there is such day anyway, what makes it best is the rain...okay, rain...i am 22 and something and so far i am soluna...maybe i should make a movie about a perfect loner portraying my being lonely as a person. having so called friends, many friends, only some are really loyal ones, and the rest are possers and fakers. i wanted it to get over soon. i am pretty lame with night times. u tell me. raise your hands night-lamer.this post is lame too. i guess i need a cup of latte.i need to kill this suspicious thoughts evolving in my mind now.i guess it will blow.or it wont? what a lame, what a shame, what a fame? what rhyme...o, synical mind come to me lets kill everybody!!

fin de semana la conversación un hermano

2005-02-13T04:07:00.000+07:00

int. kedai kopi. night.
me sit on a chair which belongs to all cafes on the world. its tall and round. le sits on the same kind of chair in front of the long table. crowd at the back are socialized and laughing, and speaking. O.S. a light jazz is heard along this conversation.

me:
this french fries is no better than the ones that i used to eat in DR. its quiet bulgy and chubby there..

le:
whats chubby?

me:
the french fries...

le:
there's no suchthings as chubby french fries

me:
there is, i used to eat it everytime we go there, dont u reckon that?

Le then eats some of the fries.

Le:
well, it does taste a bit funny...

me:
its skinny here...

Le:
old ones?

me:
probably...

a silence. Me looks around. some cute hunks on sight. some socialized wannabees come in sight and make a scene. bitch and posers.me turns to Le.

me:
are they the kind that u mentioned?

Le:
what kind?

me:
behind you...

Le turns his back...and makes a silence.

Le:
almost, from head to toes...

Me sips his iced latte.

Me:
i am tired with the shops. they're like mushrooms. but i know that somehow they will soon die.

Le:
its industry anyway...

another silence, and Me goes to the toilette outside the coffeshops. more people are coming in. this time they are the mid mature guys, insomniac dudes. Le looks above and catch a sight of 21inch TV above his head.its new there. so he is a bit surprise.Me comes from the toilette and sits back on his chair.

Le:
i think i'll have another cup...

Me:
are u sure?its the second...

Le:
i like it...

Me:
watch your kidney...

Le:
its not my kidney i am afraid of...but i remembered the last time i drank too much coffee...

Me:
the one you could not sleep and having rush in your heart?

suddenly the crowd takes the whole noise infront of us. and Me and Le's voice is dissapearing. its 2am. and sunday already.
topics Me and Le had that night:
future job,
B girl,
our thesis,
movies,
cosmopolitan,
boobs,
more coffees,
etc.

fade out.

me con el future

2005-02-11T21:11:00.000+07:00

people wonder how they future would be look like, well...i do too. but i dont like to predict the future. i love to let it be a secret. just do what you have in front of you. dont make up things too hard. but also dont pretend that life is that easy. it is hard baby. i know its hard. if i hadnt been that strong i already hang myself years ago. but the mysterious future keep calling me to open its door each day. so here i am.

anyway, not trying to be bragging or boasting but there are some people out there who are glad enough and supportive enough knowing the stuffs i am doing now.they told me to be productive and be someone in the future to reconstruct the flaw that this nation have in the industry. well, i dont feel that i am that big already but the idea that i will be able to create changes challenges me. this is my wonder in the future. can i do it? cause many people put their hopes on my back. they think that what i am doing is such a cool job. but honestly, it does not make enough for my living expenses. i need something regular and put this cool job ever (a friend of mine said that doing this thing is the best thing in the world, many people dreamed of having such job) aside as my side job.i need a regular job that makes me able to fit myself with the writing things, thats it. cause i do realize when i have a project then i would take much of my time.i will be gone like weeks, even months, and if i am doing things like Lord of the Rings then i would be leaving for years and when i am back my beard would be long enough to sweep the floor.naa...kidding.
well, i guess people are always in this phase. i was wondering what would i be in the future, some clues have already being presented by life itself and i have met them on my way, and now i am doing it, but i wonder-again-will it be the one, the ultimate creativity of my life time and eventually people will know me to be one of those people. i dont want to be stiff and satisfied already with what i am doing. for me there are doors of creativity that i need to explore, to feel, to live with, to experience.
because everything has its flaw lines then people have to anticipate this flaw by doing other things, and when the other things also brings its flaw to one's life then there will be several more alternatives to hinder it. gee.
life like Carrie Bradshaw is a un sueño hecho realidad. people would want to live like her. living in the middle of NYC, notably in one luxurious apartment in down town Manhattan, when the day comes then it comes to gossip times with your partner in crime, when night comes then lets decide to hit the floor, or flirt a hunk somewhere on the corner, no matter how old he can be, when the night is so late, two choices: spend the night alone, fuck someone. case closed. or the third one: write it down. escape your stuttering mind through writing taht will make you infamous in weeks cause your writing also appears at Vogue. when the weekend comes, well...go to some painting exhibition, may be there you'll find another hunk to spend the night with, or may be he would paint you naked, and if you are lucky then he will be the one. the right one.
ahh...it is so hard being carry bradshaw. and its getting harder cause she loves shopping and mahnolo blahnik. give me a break.i am living in a third world country, notably in a country which sets it corruption level on the 3rd position from the top.
i got to break the flaw.
a tiny bit of plan, with another plan to retrieve the flaw.
see, the future is still mysterious now. one question: during the attempt you make to kill the flaw, can u still be able to hangout with your buddies just for a cup of coffee in you fave starbucks? thats a question about the future.
i would be so much afraid to know that i will lose my quality times with friends and having no more chance to sip my fave frappucino cause i am so damn busy.
question your future...

disolvio la gran musica banda

2005-02-10T22:11:00.000+07:00

the title of this posting. the rain that pours during the day and night. the mood. its complete. a break of a band. well, many bands, even famous bands disbanded in the end.well, some are lousy bands, one hit wonder, who can only provide nothing but lousy songs.though, i enjoyed some of the lousy songs. you name it, creed disbanded, steps disbanded, westlife disbanded (though it was only bryan), even evanescense has to lose ben mody. sigh. its a prove that nothing is lasting. but some things are.like good friendship. have u found one?anyway, disbanded bands meaning that one has to say goodbye to the other.its not easy to say goodbye. i was half alive when i had to say bye to my mom. she was burried and i was crying like it was the end of the world. it was, for me at least though eventually i met the realization that life should not end there.and here i am continuing my life.
well, orion disbanded some days ago. i got the news from sandra. sandra cried to that. i understood fully how she felt. orion was,or lets use is instead since they still have 3 members left, a great band. La gran musica banda. orion plays latin songs.i met the band while they were still playing in the food court where me and sandra eats everyday. the food court located near by to our campurs and dorms. the place is always full everyday. it gathers many kinds of vendors who used to sell their foods on the streets. they call it kaki lima here. but the government decided to put them in one place so that they wont bother the trafic, beside i think it is cleaner than they time they were on the streets. and a lot safer of course.
anyway, orion played lots of latin songs. they played spiritfully. they played lively. thats why me and sandra are they big fans. up to this moment. their songs are the one that would make you dance. u would forget that its a public place and no one in Indonesia would dare to dance on that kind of venue.well, things are different for me.if only its okay to dance there while others are eating i would dance. i mean it. i guess thats why most latin people love to dance.and latin people dance exotically. notice tango, salsa, and what else? well all of them are exotic for me.they got that nice hip movement.i guess thats also why latin ladies captured our eyes frequently. helo jeniffer lopez, helo cruz, halo salma. orion plays good latin songs and some of the songs are my favorite.

"ami wawa alamaire...amiwawa alamaire, amiwawa...amiwawa...amiwawa alamaire"

i hardly memorize the lyrics or even the title of the songs but i love them.that much.it makes me want to dance.most of the orions have long hair that go to their shoulders. they oftenly played with black uniforms.and sometimes they play somewhere else cause i know that playing in one place only wont make them able to afford their daily lives.i know how hard that is to work for ur damn ass life. they came faraway from cilacap to play latin songs here in jogja.
now they disbanded. i already sense some sort of break in the near past. i know somehow that its gonna end. i know that everyfans would be sad to know this. cause our foodcourt wont be the same. no sexy, sultry, hot latin songs to accompany our dinner.no wild imagination that one wish he or she can dance there while other people see them dance among the heat of the food. no long haired guys playing latin songs. no more. its over.
this sunday they will leave jogja. even some of the previous members of the band has been gone soon enough that we dont know where they are now.

too bad. cause they are good. they got the groove, for a latin band.

miercolez de ceniza

2005-02-09T18:25:00.000+07:00

i was taking a stupid quiz in a forum which have been so popular lately. the quiz targeted to seek, to analyze how old r u actualy inside, assuming that the actual age is just age and your pyschology determine your real condition. some got younger than their actual age while i got older than my actual age. all this time i believe that my being kids all this times is basically because i am still a kid inside, i believe that it will take so much time to make me realize that i am growing older through these years. yet, the result of the quiz told me that i am not an adolesence anymore. i have wonders on sex, future, love, work and so excited about it. in fact thats all the things that occupy me. i was asking myself: i am not that kid anymore. neverland is not my place cause i am growing up, even faster than some people who took the quiz. i was pretty much believing that compared to people around me i am still young at heart but the result of that quiz did not say so. i have those thoughts in my mind that justify who i am now. wonders on love (sex), jobs, future and i am so excited about it. i am excited.i am always excited to things in front of me. thats the way i view the future. the result of the quiz did not even mention a single thing about me having a tiny winy bitty piece of my child hood. some weeks ago i was still sure that i am still a kid. since i believe that even if you are getting older each seconds but you are still a kid to your parents and there are parents who cannot accept the fact that their kids are getting older and that makes them concern so much abour their kids since they always view them as kids. remember the movie the father of the bride? steve martin could not accept the fact his daughter is getting married. he still believe that his daughter should stay at home. when this happens to someone then its hard for them to face the world.

well, its not that i am bothered enough by the fact that actually my heart lies to me. but its the future.

in fact that i am always thinking about the future. ohhh...I am a man now. put yourself all together then. i wonder if this topic would make a good premise for a movie. what would a man do if his damn heart actually is lying all the time to him. that all these times he believe that he is a kid but when he takes that stupid quiz he is much older than he thinks.

anyway, its ash wednesday today.the wednesday that marks the beginning of fasting month for Christians. for fourty days one is obliged to eat as much as once a day during the fasting day (wednesday and friday) until the easter comes.one is also abliged not to eat they favorite food during the fasting month as a sign of deep sorry, and great tolerance for what Christ has done to save us. hopefully this year i can really put my self within this holly state. i have been a wreck and a bad ass in the past years. never been that serious to do any religious stuffs. i am far away from Him. do not You think so? i do not want to leave Him anyway. i do not want to be the one who is left behind by Him when I need Him. i believe all this time that i can do it by myself. well, in some particular moment there are things i need His deal within that bussiness. do You get that?

ahh. i am 27 now.seriously, i am 27, having a body of 22, and really wondering about my future.

poco razonable de sospecha

2005-02-08T19:30:00.000+07:00

not many things happened today, from morning to noon. i met my brother, again, the fat one, komang, he was with his girlfriend, lucy, the inconsistent lover to whom my brother is having delight affection. sigh. well, love is blind and love has its own way to fit her fat ass between two potential lovers (now, where is the one for me?!!). okay. i have nothing to say to what happen to them beside that, okay, i will see how far you go now.i have been very supportive to both of you, and the rest of the ways belong to you. quit being kids and being inconsistent huh.
good news, the storm wont come. the latest report on the potential wreck was yesterday and scientist told that the wind was changing its current to the Australian sea (i guess its not the name, but its located on the north west of the australia, so its an australian sea.hahaha). well, many readings have been done to any events which possibly taking place this whole year, but dont you think that we will lose the fun to know that thing A and thing B will occur, suddenly we manage ourself to prepare for the event and eventually we shift the things that should happen and in the end it does not happen. i guess God will be dissapointed.will He?
surprise: i have finished my analysis everyone, i am 90% to my escape from the department. well, it aint over till the fat lady sings right? but where is my fat lady? well, hahahah....got nothing to say beside that i am so excited to finish the analysis and eventually i know what i am writing, i know what i am analysing, and i know how to put American's ass down. yeehaa! its like a quenching orange juice after a very long summer. how is it feel anyway.
mmm...i was watching a very nice movie yesterday, i will spoil anything related with the movie later, or u better check out my review on 'currently watching' on the right of this page....mmm, i wonder where's my other brother, budi, he told me that he will contact me today. but its night already and no sign of him.
hey, tommorow will be Chinese New Year, its a new year for the chinese, of course you freak, ahh...i miss Pontianak. on that kind of event Pontianak will be so crowded with any kind of Chinese Cultures, from dragons, firecrackers, foods, oranges...yummyy...
hey, i put a link on a music i composed sometimes ago. check it out...its on the right page too....

aliento de calor es tormenta

2005-02-05T20:52:00.000+07:00

a friend today told me an unlogical assertion about why Indonesia is having such a bad whether by the end of last year and the beginning of this year.let me share one thing really occupying my mind presently. a local paper has been fuzzing around with an official paper from the sultan that within the next week, presumably until the 10th of February, a tropical storm will hit Jogja with blowing wind that will reach the speed of 75 k perhour.meaning that is a quick burst to your face, you are lucky to be alive then. the letter also said that everyone should becareful by the 9th until the 10th since the 'presumably' storm will be on its peak of action. yikes. i thought jogja is the safest place on earth.well, it is not. since the huge mount merapi is sleeping prettyly behind the view of this city.on one point it is a killing time bomb, since anytime she could wurp her larva out and once in 1980 something i heard about the hot wind that killed many people, plant, and animals.on the other point its a prestigious tourism attraction. yikes. natural disaster is not in everybody's dictionary i think. but the previous tsunami in aceh was really a threat for every human being. its a quick sweeping.okay, i am panic now. i am such a panic bitch now.but i wonder why people around me are acting like nothing is gonna happen. am i the only one who is bitching around about the unfriendly whether?
the sultan told everyone to pack important things for the worst case scenario. what are they anyway? i have not packed my stuffs. dont go out. dont stand by a high tree. thats some of the warnings too.ahh, i am already imagening the scenes in that twister movie starring helen hunt.indonesia is not america anyway where every area has that underground bunker to hide yourself when storm attacks. indonesia is the not the country where its people are taught the pre storm precaution. like its Japan or arizona or arkansas or any place where storm hits the spot annualy. i wonder whether people are acting normally since most javanese are not neko neko and tend to be nrimo (accepting everything as God's will, and everyone has his or own luck, you die now thats what written on ur palm, gotta take it bro. since when i become synical). well, but i am already anyway. if i gotta die, i will die.thats what i believe. so dont bring any issue of future parameter goal bitch. God speaks here.
the thing is what sultan said will be obeyed here. he is the representation of God. and Jogja is a very mystical place and spot anyway. jogja is cornered on the middle by the southern sea on the south, which is also mystical and full of myths with its queen of the ocean known as Roro kidul who likes to 'take' people in to the sea. and on the north we have that proud mount merapi. and its said that those two powerful items, the southern sea and the mount merapi is the protector of this city,and the sultan's palace is the item that maintain the balance of the natural frenzy made by the two items i mentioned above. What Sultan's said mostly will come true. and also this one i assume. ahh.
well, the wind that going to blow on this city is called the tropical storm. is it? since now is still the rainy season, but the whether is hot anyway. i guess this is the cause of the storm. the difference of the temperature, the hot wind colides with the cold rain. and it breaks the balancy.oggjjj....what an analysis.
anyway, this is an image of a tropical storm happened last year on the carribean sea.it looks awful to me.

does it look awful to you? i am starting to imagening things when i look at it.this is an issue everyone.get panic!!
more of the tropical storm here
and here
lets pray for the best,and pray for us in here.
i am crossing my fingers now.wish for luck.
tropical storm, i am ready!
ps: there are some club people here, who presumably will hit the floor in hours to come, dont they know that a big wind is coming, and i assume it wont be wind only, but with high tide water, no no no...dont they sense the panic?

aprendizaje americano de potencia

2005-02-03T20:03:00.000+07:00

last january, which was the one in 2004, i took my final task to set my ass free from my department. which is becoming a personal issue for me. like one of those people who are too loyal to their almamater. well, its not me but its hard to leave. yet, the future has calling each of our name and mine was called like 2 years ago. when eventually i knew what i really wanted in this life and to live with it. life sure is a long road since it took me almost the whole of my life to realy find out what i want with my life. and now i will really hit the road with my so called talents. well, i wont underestimate my talents. happy for having it. proud of it.speaking of my final paper. known as the undergraduate thesis.i am writing a paper confronting American so called hegemony. for those who dont know the meaning of the term, it means super power, specifically power to influence others globally that America somewhat having her grip on each of our fuckin ass and she knows just how to control us. do u like how it sounds?
personally, i am one of those who are already being hegemonized. i love america. yet, it is also fun to know that right now i am having the chance to ridicule what most americans are proud of.well, recently its very obvious that most human in this world hate America for what they did. for what they killed. for what they destroyed. for what they took.anyway, i still have to do it. i have to put america down. for the sake of my graduation. hahaha.
up to this moment i have sank my ass for hours to seek for that weak point. the bottom line. the item which makes America impotence for God sake.thanks to my conselour all researches eventually leads me to the underlying weakness of Uncle Sam. horaayy! just some clue, hegemony is the other easy name for America's mask of capitalist imperialism-what the fuck is that-which have attacked us like decades, seconds of our lives. some hours ago i was typing the paper and i heard roxxete on the radio. hours later i moved out and here i am and guess what i heard on the songs list? the roxxete. thats hegemony everybody. America is in each sections of your pretty ass life. well, the question is hegemony wont be existing without our consent. we are the one who give the consent. American stuffs and anything are not guilty pleasures anyway. America is some civilized people to which we are turning our heads to. Hollywood, Billboard, Grammy, Oscar...hallo!i live with those things. gee. is it that bad to be internalized by McDonalds? thats a rhetoric question.

look at the picture here...its also a hegemonic one. the actual situation not many of african american gain a prosperous life. this image is persuasive, for those to believe that life there is equal. but the issue is still arguable up to this moment.
give me time and i will sink Uncle sam's ass to the bottom of the grave. hahaha. i will point out her weakest point without which she is not what she is now.

diantre impérial

2005-01-30T20:41:00.000+07:00

moi est occupé en apprêt est mon thésard, moi subitement matraquer falloir américain est industrie.à vrai dire, mon a admirateur culture le américain. en tout cas, tableau en récemment trouvé.quel est amusant.

image est la Maison blanche avec de Lord of The ring.

word reference
synical one
synical two

savourer!

*pardon my french

nemo abitere

2005-01-29T13:35:00.000+07:00

mon list et amitié qui dure:
don't let me be the last to know
dont put pretty face on me while u stab me behind my back
i listen to you, i empathy you, can you do the same?
if that wont work we wont make it, trust me
chit chat in the coffeeshop
caring short message
tell me when you need me
ask me for help
we dont need to meet frequently, but tell me millions if we meet again
if u dont like me, tell me, dont let anyone tells me that you dont like me
how can you be so sweet at front while bitter inside?
whats the story we've been sharing this far?
whats the laugh all about?
it hurts just to know that what we have built this far was just shit
sorry then...

jour du mariage
aujourd'hui mon meilleur ami entraver une jules
elle est depart
seul moi être abandonné
elle est depart avec son mari
elle est courage soulever leur enfants
mon route est encore long

*pardon my french

beau famille...

2005-01-25T17:59:00.000+07:00

its not always easy to have one stranger inside your house. not just inside your house, but deeper, into your selfish, egotistic, already to crowded with troubles life. what if it is not just one, but the whole bunch of famille in one big shot. someone you might never consider to be a part of your life years ago. people whom never really pass your thoughts. you never think about them and years before you are just strangers passing on the street.without never really saying 'hello.' someone who lived at the back of your house. a neighbor. people you dont actually know. these lines are such egotistical sentence. i am trying so hard to figure out my feelings, towards them. my psychiatrist said that it helps to defy what, and how do u actually feel towards the cause of your problem. they were problems for me.

i get used to my old life that its hard for me to take the idea that i am stepping, i was entering a new phase of life. a chapter of my life that i eventually had to close and putting most of it to the so called memories, inside an album,and only able to witness, to remember them by watching them. pictures which already old. old pictures where my childhood in a very faraway place was the only memoir of happiness i ever had.

i realize exactly that i have a link which is missing. a link which actually really helpful to determine who i am now. but up to now, i dont know what it was and where it had gone too. i am too tired to search for it, cause life has been calling me to follow him. i would be left behind if i keep looking for that blur piece. though its blur, i remember exactly that within that piece was the greatest love i ever have, hold, embrace. i am being too moody with my lines huh? but i guess i dont brag about my sadness cause i do know what i am missing in the corner. its an important piece.

as time goes by, after the loss i had years ago, my pages turn colorful, again. for three years or so my pages were dim and i can only see blurry color of ashes, white but not exactly white. i have to bring these people to my senses. accept them as what we know as family. they are my familie now. was it that bad when you loss someone that you really love. i never thought that i could lose someone. but i did.i loss my mom.

she's the missing piece i told you before. she's the piece with the greatest love. and i could only see herold pictures now. which makes me quite sad cause i only have a few of them.

now i have these people with me.with whom i have to share my thoughts. my life. the bond of blood. we came from the same root. we have the blood of our father running within our veins. they are some of the smiles within my life. hopefully tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow i can understand more, appreciate more of them to my life. let me introduce you to them.

the only boy on the picture, the most chubby ones is abel.the little girl on the front posing like a model is ella. and the smiling little girl at the back is my beloved fanny.

abel.the apple of our hearts.

ella and abel a year ago.

shoes on the shelves...

2005-01-23T18:35:00.000+07:00

some light philosophists ever said that you are what you wear. i guess that works for what shoes you are wearing too. since what you wear includes the sight from the top of your hair to the bottom of your toes. ever since i know that good stuffs might cost you a lot, i have been working my ass not only for my meet ends meat, but also a proper, confortable and fashionable shoes. darn the fashion world. they demand you to look good all the time. okay, lets forget it. since the demand is actually coming from our consumptive state of mind. well, economic principal works here. the more money you make you tend to know expensive brands. premium stuffs. the so called stuffs, label, or brand, that will guarantee the thing called satisfaction. as a person, as a consumer, satisfaction needed. yet, there are no exact brands or label that can provide you such a deal when you wear them. the most comfortable shoes on earth might be the cheapest one you ever found. well, if the shoes expensive but you are not into it mind and soul whats the point then? i love chinese people who wear the badminton shoes wherever they go. it seems light and joyful. just like the wind. since its quite flat for my eyes. and i think it fits for kon fu stuffs too. thats why it so popular on the main land. just a thought anyway. and when you r dying for a comfort, its ur state of mind that forms it.
anyway, shoes are for feet. thats the only reason i bought my shoes. some of mine were bought by paw. they were quite expensive for me that eventually i begged him to zip his card. gag. well, lately i have been doing a stiffy job, which strangely is actually really enjoyable, and it gave me money for more shoes on the shelves.
each shoes of mine brought histories, and tiny bites of laugh with it.fortunately i can provide you with images. gag.

jack purcell by converse. i reckoned that it was the only item left on the store, and i already fell for him, so i bought it. the size was minus a half for me, but i bought it anyway. the color was off brown. i took it everywhere. i wear it like hell. i skate with it-i used to skate-and enevtually he had to say good bye completely from me. it is really worn out. it's my legendary shoes. and he is my first converse ever.

i went to adidas and bought this one. it was fred durst era. fool me. this stupid pair did not stay long. i dont know who held them now. someone stole it from me. darn it. i put outside of my room. nothing really strange that night. the first time in the morning after i woke up, its gone already.

i go back to converse. again. this time i took the beach-cut. mine is blue-ish with floral prints on it. i took to my previous holiday in prambanan and lombok. well, this one still's my best.

after the holiday is ending, i decided that floral blue prints are way too crowded for my khakis and street edge fashion way. i read a fashion book from Japan. and this one is always hot. mine is the creme one. he still walks everywhere with me. up to now. one of my favorite.

this is reebok running shoes for men. mine is white with off white and red stripes on it. one of my favorite too. feel so lose that you dont actually realize you are wearing it. am i too much with my words? haha.

converse one star. mine with blue star and red stripes. i met him in the studio. one of my guess was wearing him. this one look stunning when he's completely worn out. i seek for this adorable leather for years. and now its on my shelves. my most favorite.

my eyes are on...

gola harrier

gola aztec

gola cyclone

tiger onitsuka mexico edition-this one also appears in Kill Bill vol.1, the one Uma Thurman wears when she fights Lucy Liu. yeehaa!!

anyway, here are some of the shoes links for you, incase you would like to shop online, or just go to eBay instead. more shoes on my shelves...haha!
converse
gola UK
onitsuka tiger

rosemary and other bite of crackers...

2005-01-22T20:17:00.000+07:00

there is no point of argue-ing about your life. maybe there is. despite the issue of predetermined life. sureal fact called destiny. and your fist called faith. gee, i dont know how to start it. i just want to say that there is no point of feeling bad about your life. cause the worst you think about your life, you have not check around. there's much more unaccepted situation. a condition which you think is almost impossible and might only takes place inside a work of roman. i did realize her situation like years ago. but i never thought that it is much worse than it was years ago. she's a friend of mine.

she's one of the most talented among 200 students. and she might be the most unlucky ones. if you think that your life is unfair, and u think that you might be the jinx of life's elements and that your palm only says 'bad luck.' notice your surroundings. but i am also not saying that she's a bad luck. she's the one who feels that way. she feels bad about it. and to me she is distressed towards it. she told me that she's an unwanted child. since last year, to me, her life got worst. am i exagerating. let me tell u the things then. since her parents think that she's unwanted, they dont really care about her and her life. she's been living with her grand daddy ever since. she knows that her parents dont want her around. she told me that when her grand daddy died, yes he died last year, she was losing her protector. have u ever imagined not having the support from your parents as long as you live, not having the chance to love them and be loved by them. may be it sounds harsh but i really want to yell at her parents and telling them to look at this way, some one needs their attention. if you dont want her now, why you brought her here now. now that she's here you left her alone on the corner, figuring out how's she will walk the next day. i myself cant take this issue really hard. she can't spend the Christmas alone. she always needs to talk to someone.how could it be they ignore their pretty daughter. she's not just pretty. she's smart. witty. talented. any parents would want a daughter like her. God if only you could hear me. i want you to reach out her heart so that she's strong enough to walk through this phase. reach out her parents too. bring them back to her embrace. every kid needs parents. someone who can take care of their feeling. embrace their loneliness. putting down the fire of their life. giving guidance. financial stability. I met her yesterday and i went down to my thoughts thinking about her. if only there's something i could do. there was something i could do. she wished for a hug, and i gave her one. i believe that a hug can raise relieved feelings when ur down. i read it somewhere, and been practicing it all the time when i need a quick spiritual boost. for everyone, if u find her on ur way, u come across this curly pretty girl, give her a hug, she needs loads of it. i mean it.
at first i was going to tell you how's my life, how's my weekend-which is like usual-alone, and things. but my bite of crackers are no more sweet, i would like to talk about rosemary.

2005-01-20T13:31:00.000+07:00

some images i got from a friend on previous tsunami's casualties. this is a global disaster, and lately the nature has warned us, probably this world will evolute really soon, and some form of life will vanish drastically,like us human. i watched on TV that Jakarta and some part of borneo, and eastern java swept by flood. those natural event took casualties though smaller in a mount compared to the tsunami,but no one would ever wish for another high tide waves sweeping our lives away won't we? i think it is now the time to really put attention on how we can make a tolerant world for the natural environment's condition.we need to be more tolerant on our natural surroundings.the possession of brain inside our heads really turned us into egotistic mean individual.we cultivate the earth until the level of extinction and disaster. no wonder movies already portraying the idea when the earth is no longer proper place to breed human life. that sounds hard. so if we would like to live longer on earth, we should be more friendly and tolerant to it. this i believe. remember that only a few of us care about this issue, while the rest is still ignorant. help those ignorant people to start caring about their surroundings. stop exploitating.
no matter what happens,give yourself fully to God and be good, so that anytime your life taken by the Creator you will be ready,i strongly believe this one.

far away waves

its getting closer!

satelite images of the tsunami's

waves coming,and slowly entered the beach, washed away anything infront of it, watch a guy managed to survive by holding on a leave of a nearby coconut tree

big waves coming!!

notice the height of the wave, it's really huge

some people in this image might not make it to escape from the wave

the look of the wave from a passing by plane

some amateur videos on the tsunami
video 1
video 2
video 3
video 4
video 5
video 6
video 7

anyway, the images i put here are those which will put our attention to how was it look like when the wave suddenly stood strong 20meters from the ground and washed away anything infront of it. i dont put images with bodies, they are improper enough to be put here, very recommended for strong hearts. or you will faint.on the bottom i also put some video links for you guys to watch. its amazing. in the sense that i also feel the thrill of the waves.i am sorry if later on the links are no longer availabe since i guess it will gone soon. save the videos incase ur interested. we were really swept away,weren't we?

2005-01-18T18:38:00.000+07:00

the invitation from my dearest friend has come.

Tatang will get marry next two weeks, and she've been busy preparing things for the once in a life time celebration of her life (we catholic believe in the so called till death do us part, since we are bonded into rule of no divorce, a marriage can only be separated by power that we human cannot deal with-which is death). whatever she has decided for her life, i am fully on her side, supporting her. i realized myself that its hard, and i dont know whether i will thrill myself like i did when cimot get married some times ago. suddenly i was histerical. i didnot know what actually happened. but i knew i was sad at that time. there was a bit of denial on that.the ultimate fact is of course their life will change completely after the holly promise.

i remember exactly how me and tatang used to be a powerful duo. we went to parties together. we shop together. we duke the night in the club together. we chat in random cafe's in this lovely jogja together. we went to Jaksa (jalinan akrab sastra; a welcoming gathering for freshmen in my department) together and hit the groove for freshmen. we always did it. we love to do it. i like it with her, we can share things and she has always been on my side when the world turns against me. she can put her mind still on me by not following the rest of the world turning against me. she's still there. and i am thankful for that. this is my best friend's wedding. ahh. she's going to leave all of us. all her proud friends.

rumors may evoke on her wedding. but human cant tell their life, can they? there's always a bit of twist in man's chapter of life. and whatever the rumors can be. i am still here dear bintang. u would always be the star of my heart dear friend, sister. shines. just shine for me. i will shine for you too.

i am crossing my fingers for your luck, always. hopefully this is the wedding of your life time. be happy, be proud of it. don't regret anything. if later on i cry on your big day, its a tears of happines for you, though a spark of sadness tangled within that laugh. but just a bit.

this is my best friend's wedding.

golden globe winners!

2005-01-17T13:13:00.000+07:00

breaking news, the golden globe winners have been announced. many said that the winners in gloden globe are predictions of winners for oscar.no one knows cause things change and taste differs. personaly i am cheerful to know that eventually natalie portman is aclaimed for her portrayal of a striptease dancer in closer. she will shine more next year.teri hatcher also won for her come back on screen in desperate housewives.her career might boost again. because after the hit success of lois and clark she was like vanished from TVs and cinemas. i read somewhere that after the show she lived with her single child and earning their living from dubbing voices for Tv commercials. quite pity for her. Hollywood is hard baby.

dicaprio also earned his first award ever after only being nominated in oscar in the 90s for his role in what's eating gilbert's grape. i did not watch it anyway.

well anyway, these are some shots from the glorious winning of some actresses and actors. view the complete list here.dont forget to watch the show at indosiar tonight.

clive owen won for closer

teri hatcher won for desperate housewives

leonardo dicaprio won for the aviator

natalie portman won for closer.

2005-01-16T22:26:00.000+07:00

yesterday budi told me that he is going to be here, in jogja, today. while i was imagining what we would have done by this hour-the three of us, with miss beth-since we are the famous b three. gag. suddenly, he sent me a short message telling me that he passed the chance to go back here till today. darn it. nothing pretty much important though. just the thought that i should find my agenda today. i have told myself not to be dependant to friends. once, i was placing myself in a crowd. too tight that its hard for me to get out. they made me depend my night so much to them. i learned my mistakes. if that was a mistake. i guess the term that friendship has its high and low tides fits to what happened to me.friends come and gone. only a few really stay and really listen to what you say, and you dearly also want and need to listen to what they say.
well, budi told me that he wanted to share some stories. it was strange how we started this relation at the beginning. i was such a pain in the ass for him. until i eventually i quit bugging him. and both of us gone in our daily routines. until came the moment that we realized that we fit, we can actually talk things together. now we are close friends. and he is still my brother. may be he is the kind of friend that wont go away, for me. hopefully.
related to this,i just watched mengejar matahari by Rudi soedjarwo. friends come and gone but the memories spent with them never gone.

compared to AADC-whats up with cinta i prefer chasing the sun (mengejar matahari.red). the premise is simple. the shots were great. and its dark. but somehow i felt like watching a dark hongkong wannabe flick. i supposed, rudi soedjarwo really influenced by wong kar wai or at least tsui hark. the pictures were somewhat made to be dark and dim, and on the corner of each shot they dont really explore the light. let it dim. and it was so hongkong. the set took the image of hongkong evenmore. there is a slum area in hongkong where small and cheap apartments stand together side by side creating a limited air situation where beggars, triad, and other sort of criminals flocked. anyway, no jumping pictures or missing stories in this one compared to AADC. the ending was losing some of the thrill given by a very nice beginning and a good body structure of the story. i just thought that other caharacters beside ardi (played by winky wiryawan) should be explored bit deeper.cause the death of obet and the captured of danar really hung on the edge of confusion for me. Rudi soedjarwo must put more parts for these guys. anyway, fadli baadilah who played danar really captivated me. i think i must write a character especially made for him later on. yeah. an action one. what do you think. and ade habibie would do good as another hunk in my movie. gag. yeah,i think that would be cool.

among the movies i rented, i also managed to watch ocean's twelve.which apparantly hasn't finished. i told myself to watch each movie my foster father starred in. that's george clooney. gag. i wonder how it feels to have a father like him. and how itb feels to have a playboy father. looking good on his age. and how it feels to be his son. will i inherit his greece hair cut and look and his playboy habbit. fruits alwats fall next to the bottom of its root. hahahahhaha. what an imagination. i know thats impossible.a surprising fact is that my dad wont ever marrie and have children. i read that he was sort of dissapointed by one previous relationship that he thought women and kids will only bother his free state of mind. poor women. one surprising fact-again-he's one from two famous men ever appeared on the cover of vogue. vogue never put a man as its cover. but my father made it. haha.
and i was imagining one day of clooney get married to the most prettiest singer i ever adore. shania twain.

how would their kids look like? can anyone tell me? anyway, i just watch my mom's latest video called don't. taken from her latest album, her collections of her best singles with couples of new songs and remixes. i wonder how she always able to write a very good hook and tunes in her songs. she's on the top of successfull concerts of all time. her concerts always sold out. her records sit on the fifth peak from ten most successful records of all time.sigh. she's just damn pretty.
anyway, i came back from the mall and bought some candles, dried wooden sticks and glass jar to decorate my white room. i am so excited. i guess i would buy a fish for my room. i've always wanted a fish in my sight.lets see what happen tomorow.
i get to register myself for the new semester.
sigh.

2005-01-15T19:28:00.000+07:00

Bob is the first person, to whom i have affection, i met today. he does not know me. may be he does. we met each other ocassionally. but we never talk. cute is relative, and for me he's chubby (whats the point then?). the thing is, i just got back from a very hectic holiday, if thats what holiday was. many obligations due next week. and on april i gotta finish everything in this city, get my ass back to Jakarta. urghhh. they call it the new year resolution. what so ever. anyway, holiday brought me several thoughts. that going to the dentist really cost u a lot. they put u into their appointments. they pulled so many of your teeth without any clear reasons why those teeth need to be pulled out. well, i realized though that my teeth are bad ones. the doctor cleaned the plak (is that right?). and put some, what they call it, additional layers to my fractured teeth. its cleaner than before. the whole braddy went to the dentist. and some younger fam of mine cried. no wonder dentist always scared little kids. well, dad told one of my siblings to become a doctor one day. so that u'll get richer quick and can drain people's money. gag.
hey, the big fight i was really worried about never really takes place. instead we talked egotistically. we didnt really talk. my father was not such a father who really talks with his kids. he's telling you waht to do and he thinks you can make it the way he did. and i found out that, without my recognition, that he already built somewhat a company, to which he wanted me to take care of it. knock knock.a predetestined future. but i somewhat like the idea. me holding a company. that means i can still write scripts. but i dont know. i dont think i belong to companies. i mean those regulating stuffs. they are just not my thing. a manager who is also a screenwriter. how's that sounds to you?
well, Aceh is still in destruction. many people go there to help the need. the medias called this situation somewhat ' weeping Indonesia'...'mourning nation'...i dont know the situations there, i suppose its very terrible. i have a little calling in my heart to help them. but i couldn't. i dont have the capabilities which needed to help those people.

i just wish things get better and safer for everyone in Aceh. cause honestly, Indonesia is really a hell now. and i think its enough to weep. this nation really needs to gets up on his ass and do something. lets recover.

anyway, my usual burjo is now open and gets bigger than before. its one of the place where i used to escape my solitude. at least i can meet and talk to someone i know. Jogja is still calm i guess. i found out that many students are going home for the semester break. or at least the new year's holiday for some private college-like mine.

well, the day after tomorrow the new semester will be started. and i will spend the next 4 months to finish my study. pray for me everyone. the study has been expensive enough for my parents. and i dont want to be described as one who does not appreciate education by slowing my phase in learning on the bachelor degree. cause education IS expensive and many people out there are not lucky enough to get the chance to study and live the life like i do.

i need to appreciate and responsible more with my life.

i guess thats my resolution.

2004-12-31T19:42:00.000+07:00

just like last year, this year i spend the new year's eve alone. apparently the whole braddies-thats my fam-went to some resident out there for my father's being appointed for a new position in his current office. he's moving to a new office, on a new place. anyway, i visited jakarta for like 2 days for a very solitude Christmas of my own. jakarta was raining cats and dogs when i arrived. it was like those noir movies. the sky was dark. many fogs above. and those times up there suddenly i remember movies in which the planes crahsed down. yikes. i watched too many movies. a horrid imagination you stanley! cut it out. thank God i landed safely. i took a cab and searched for a nice hotel where i can watched jakarta in silence for at least two days before actually going back to Pontianak.jakarta was nice during rainy season like this.i was quiet solem for me just to sit and lay in the hotel hours and hug someone. yeah someone.dont want to brag about this. its like paris during the victorian. when everything turned a bit sentimentil and moody. and the sky added the tone of your romantic evening.

anyway, Indonesia mourned a lot this week due to the big quake and tsunami that followed on the 26th of december. that was a terrific horror to end a year.a record. since i recalled a news which stated that this catasthrophy is the 5th worse natural disaster in a century. wow. i think its worst. it is. its never been this awful. i mean this is a disaster. like thousands of dead bodies on every corner of the currently dead city. Aceh is completely ruined. if Pontianak is located on the epicenter, no doubt that this city will also be swept away. i watched a news this morning saying that the calculation would precise that the reconstruction of a new aceh (aftermath) would take like 5 years until Aceh can really recover. its terrible, considering it current status as a military zone due to the possible atack of GAM on the area. now its completely blown away by water. may be its right...that we wont put attention to recover Aceh's condition had it not been this disaster. anything might be possible.

may God give strength for everyone losing their beloved ones in the disaster. may each casualties be blesses and fogive for their sins for they are being taken earlier. no one knows God's plans.

well, Pontianak has changed a lot this past few years. i hardly know the area anymore. many things are new for me. i visited my junior high school. the best school ever. i bought the old favorite meat balls i used to eat when i go to school there. i remember that its already expensive before the crisis and now it get a lot more expensive. but i think its the best meat ball ever. ever. nothing beats this city for its food. chinese food especially.

ahhh, so much things i missed about the city but somehow i know that i hardly belong here, my heart is out there. for something bigger.

anyway, i will leave the city in days a head. sigh.

what do i miss?

2004-12-26T13:29:00.000+07:00

a friend of mine asked me what will occupy my time during few days before i eventually leave this city heading home. she bet that i would end up buzzing the lame friendster stuff. its a bit true. but i found myself stuffed with friendster things already-but the fact that i still wonder whether my friends are increasing still stunnes me. how much i will get today. what kinda people will connecting themselves to me. well, friendster is sort of a looking through the glass friendship. what you see is not always what u get. people put pretty pictures there to attract others. though the network already stated that no nude pictures, baby, animals, or cartoons may enter the profile still many bare, almost naked people, even pictures with penises flooding the site. beautiful dicks, but no way jose. its not their place to astonish people. explicitly, they are dick head. enough of them.

the thing is my friend only 30% right about her readings on my sleazy weekend. i watch movies. thats how i dozed my laziness. well, i should vary my movies later on.i would like to write many different genres and find unique plots and twists. thats it.

okay, recap: i watch virtuosity and the animatrix, among other movies i rented. surprisingly it has same based ideas. crime that takes place within codes, numbers, softwares, hardwares, world of illusion and simulation. thats the thing about those 2 movies. whats more is that they have the same way of entering the virtual world. some plug in on the back of their heads.and zoops...they are in the matrix.

in that virtual world. russel crowe apparently the nemesis in virtuosity. ahh, he still looks study there. in gladiator he is already a beef. yumm. hahaha. and the animatrix is said to be a prep for those who up to now cant figure out what the matrix is all about. i was there,i mean losing the ideas on what neo and trinity were doing in 3 movies. its quiet tiring to simply understand what happen to the world in the matrix world. the raise of the machines (knock knock), the fall of men by the robots, the destruction of the world which cause the birth of zion and 01 'so called the nation of machines.' sigh. and after long understanding of those 2 movies-gosh!-apparently i recall that the matrix was also based on a movie back in 1988 called akira.

simply genious and amazing, my all time favorites. read the manga ones and up to now still looking forward to see the actual movies. akira was full of blood shed, psycho power, cool rides, nice explostions everywhere, nice heroine. its cool. just cool. and like all movies i stated previously, its hard dude. i heard that akira spent 2 hours and something. thats hell of a ride for animations. but again, akira was uncompetable. none of present animations can compete akira.

well, i will be back tuesday. be back with loads of pictures. cant wait to meet abel. he's so stuffed. okay, today's lesson is virtual reality.

2004-12-24T08:50:00.000+07:00

its Christmas eve everyone!! whoops...eventually, this is the result of a tiresome waiting, possibly. cause for some people in the world, its the Christmas eve that counts, the waiting that counts, while when the Christmas itself comes the joy would cease a bit. and that happens on me too. i love the waiting, i love the night, i love the whole months, weeks, days we expect the birth of savior, but when it comes suddenly we realize that it will be away shortly, since the new year also emerges a head. its not a waste though. its just that the joy decreases a bit. and for a guy like me who happens to enjoy the waiting so much then it would be a lame week a head before new year's eve. thats it. and breaking news everyone:i wont be home for Xmas eve, Xmas day. i got this ticket destination Pontianak next tuesday. arhhhh. whats the point anyway? surprise: i am not that blue anymore thinking that i would spend the Xmas here alone. by far, i guess i can survive. oh come on stanley: its only blue Christmas. it wont get any worse. yeah. meaning that i would delay everything until the next tuesday. until i can meet my siblings, parents, families, old friends, the real trees, cookies. gosh.

i wonder, if now i already feel okay of not spending Xmas at home, what will happen within years a head? i'd be this awkward young male spending Christmas alone, all alone, and i would feel okay about it. has the harsh life formed me so well, this hard? like a pavement on the road, concrete on the walls? does modernity has something to do with the loss of natural feelings towards Christmas? people cannot lost their ideas on Christmas. Xmas cannot be compensate. the real thing is the best thing. would Xmas ceased day by day that the feeling of togetherness during Xmas eve suddenly dissapear? ohh, i am freaking out. who can't live without Christmas raise your hand! i will.
anyway, tonight might be the second Xmas eve i evet spent in jogja. which is dull. cause the first time i spent Xmas eve here was very much dull either. i knew no one. i was like 'what am i doing here...i suppose 2 stay at home with my families, going to church, whatever makes me happy this evening.' i thought that i could not come home. but now my father wants me to go home. i am expecting a battle of wit with him. i dont expect this. may be he does. and many plans changed this far. i am totally unavailable for janji jhoni. and can only be available on the set by january. sigh. darn.darn.darn. thats it. enough for plans. apparently, Rachel Maryam is also enrolled in the cast. it would be great to meet her on the set.
my sisters would embark themselves to Pontianak today. and i will take tomorrow's plane (if available), or either the 28th, since i enrolled myself at the latest time---okay this line is not usefull anymore, since its obvious that i will go home on the 28th. i went to Batavia air to check the queues. i lost my chance. okay then. 4 days left.

meaning that i should enlist things i can do on Xmas day by my own:

washing all my dirty clothes so that i'd be packing clean clothes when i'm going home;

clean my room so that it wont get any dusti-er after i get back home cause it seems that i will be home really later on in February;

what else? calling Budi and spend Xmas with him? so gay. well, i think he would be here.

suddenly i remember that once i had these old Christmas records, with songs from Nat king cole, frank, jim reeves, elvis, Andy Williams, perry como--ahh they were men who built the way i am now. bit vintage.

many people go home for Xmas, many people dont. and i am in the middle. i feel awkward, but i also feel less distressed.

i suppose i should listen to more Xmas songs today. its Xmas eve anyway. tonight there will be a big mass. see u there? well, i have these images from friends abroad who also celebrate Christmas with their fams, enjoy it: thanks to matt, and mewesq

merry Christmas everyone!